Chapter 23-24

23.

“Don't think you realize the effect you have over me
Please don't look at me like that
It just makes me want to make you near me always
Please don't kiss me so sweet
it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
And please don't touch me like that
makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow”

Jewel

Anna woke up on Tuesday morning with a horribly stuffy nose, so she had to stay home from school again. Kristin took another of the fizzy tablets, now she didn’t even taste it anymore.  She dragged Anna in the stroller with Jack walking next to it complaining again. When she came home, she texted Jenna and said she couldn’t walk this morning but she was welcome to come over to the house if she didn’t mind Anna’s cold.

Jenna showed up at nine, looking dark under the eyes.

“You look tired.”

Jenna nodded and rubbed her face.

“Yeah, Tom has been working so much lately I never have anytime to myself and then I wake up in the middle of the night and think of things.”

Kristin knew exactly what she meant, when there was no time during the busy day hours to think she also woke up in the middle of the night and laid awake for hours. Enjoying the silence and the ability to think about everything in peace.

“Another thing no one tells you about before you have kids is that when they finally sleep through the night you still can’t sleep yourself.”

Jenna laughed.

“Yeah, the whole mother thing is twisted in unrealistic positive proportions. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children but it would be nice to be a grown up without the kids sometime too.”

Kristin smiled and thought about last Friday. When she was a woman, a grown up without children in tow. And how amazingly wonderful it had been. She hadn’t planned to say anything; it just kind of jumped out of her mouth.

“You know what we talked about last week?”

“Yeah,” Jenna said and looked at her with evaluating eyes.

“Well, I did something with someone.”

“No?” Jenna sounded only curious, not judgmental.

“Yeah, I met this man at a museum a few weeks back and I saw him on Friday and,” she couldn’t help but smile. A silly happy smile.

“What did you do? Did you have sex?”

“No,” Kristin shook her head, “well, we didn’t have intercourse if that is what you meant.”

“How are you feeling? Very guilty?”

“No, no, no,” Kristin felt confused, “no, no guilt. It just feels so extremely right.”

And I am scared to death I will lose him. I am terrified he will disappear and I will be left feeling lonely again.

Most people didn’t know everything about her childhood, some things she kept to herself. Of course they knew her father had been in and out of their life. But she always toned down the impact, always toned down the hurt, always toned down how it still could haunt her and scare her to this day. And some things she never shared. Some things are better not touched, because if you touch the tender scabs, the wound will burst open again and the pain will dull your present life.

“Wow!” Jenna said, “what are you going to do?”

“We will see each other on Friday again.” And she started to babble about Robert and how wonderful he was but Jenna interrupted her.

“Will you tell John?”

Kristin got filled with confusion, to tell John had never crossed her mind. John was on the outside of this, she and Robert were on the inside.

“No, why would I do that?”

Jenna shrugged.

“I don’t know, I was just thinking.”

Kristin started to laugh.

“What is so funny?”

“I just started to think about our mothers when they were our age. We thought they were so old and boring and it just hit me that they probably talked like this with each other when we didn’t know.”

Jenna laughed too now.

“Yeah probably.” Then she got an excited look on her face. “We should google him, have you googled him?”

Kristin shook her head.

“No, I hadn’t thought about that.”

Jenna looked thrilled.

“You can find out a lot about someone if you google them. Come on!”

Kristin started to giggle, she felt like a teenager about to look in the yearbook at a boy she had a crush on.

“Ok, lets google him.”

They turned on the computer and waited for it to boot.

“Let me do it.” Jenna said and Kristin got up from the chair. “Write down his name, his address and his university on a piece of paper and give it to me.”

Kristin grabbed a notebook and wrote down everything she could think of, even his birthday, July 28, 1961.

“Oh goodie,” Jenna got a very carnivorous smile on her face.  “Give me ten minutes.” She waved her hand at Kristin to make her leave.

Kristin went downstairs and made sure Anna had everything she needed. After about ten minutes she walked back to the computer and saw that Jenna had opened ten different tabs.

“Ok, let’s see,” Jenna sounded extremely satisfied with herself, “he has been married twice, he has lived in four different states, he bought his apartment in 2001, he has written eight books and his students think  that he is either the best teacher they ever had or that is he an arrogant asshole.”

Kristin was impressed and uncomfortable; was her life so easily traceable?

“ You are good at this.”

Jenna looked over at her with a mischievous smile.

“Do you want to see a picture of his ex-wife?”

“Yes!” She leaned closer to the computer.

“Tada!” Jenna opened a tab and showed her a picture of a woman with brown hair and blue eyes.

Kristin tilted her head to the side and looked at the woman. She gave off an aura of sadness or perhaps feebleness.

“Ok, she looks…” then she stopped because she didn’t know what else to say.

“Boring!” Jenna exclaimed.

“Well, she doesn’t look the way I thought. She looks fragile.”

“Yeah! You are way hotter!”

Kristin started to laugh.

“Look at her and look at yourself. You could break her in two.”

Kristin laughed even harder but then she stopped, she felt disrespectful.

“He loved her so she must have something special.”

Jenna nodded her head.

“They worked on a book together, and they are both professors. I believe that he met her when he was still married to number one.” Jenna opened another tab, “Look at this.” She pointed to an article from a newspaper. “Number one was an associated manager in a store, and look here at the dates when the book was written and the second wedding was.”

Kristin looked closely and saw that he had only been married for about two years when he started to write a book with the woman that would become wife number two. A few years passed and he married woman number two.

“That can happen,” she said.

“Sure, but he didn’t tell you he had been married twice, did he?”

Kristin shook her head.

“Ok,” Jenna said and looked skeptical. “Anyway, what the students say is even more interesting though. Look here,” Jenna opened another tab, “it is like every other one loves him and every other one hates him.”

Kristin read and she realized that Jenna was right. One student said that he was the most inspiring and helpful teacher and the next one called him arrogant and without people skills.

“You know how college students are,” she said to Jenna.

“Hmm,” Jenna said, “but look at the other professors. Either no one likes them or everybody likes them, he is one of the few that seem to have the students completely divided in their opinion of him.”

Kristin shrugged.

“I guess he just rubs some people the wrong way.”

Jenna started to smile and then laugh drolly.

“I guess he rubbed you the right way then.”

Kristin felt her cheeks get hot.

“Hey!” She punched Jenna lightly on the shoulder. “I remember I hated some professors in college because they weren’t nice and you could tell they would much rather do something else than teach.”

“Sure, but those teachers nobody liked.” Jenna sounded very sure of herself.

“But because some of his students don’t like him doesn’t mean he is not a good person.”

Jenna looked at her sideways with an unconvinced expression on her face.

“My grandmother always said you get the truth from babes and drunks.”

Kristin shook her head and rolled her eyes at Jenna.

“Yeah, yeah. He has been nothing but nice to me.”

 

After Jenna had left, she cleaned up the house and tried not to think about all the things she had found out about Robert. Tried to get rid of the disturbance it caused in her happiness. She almost succeeded.

John came home at his regular time so after dinner and Anna’s early bedtime, Kristin took a walk. Her body missed the one it normally got on Tuesdays. She made up her mind to ask Robert some questions later.

As usual he was online when she logged on at 8:15. The green dot next to his name made her smile.

Kristin: good evening professor

Robert: hi little wolf! how are you today?

Kristin: I’m good, not sick yet.

Robert: that is good! i really don’t want to have to wait another week to see you.

Kristin: I know! i need to see you.

Robert: awww  how is your daughter?

Kristin: seems to be a regular cold.

Robert: I’m pretty resistant to colds.

Kristin: try to have two kids in school then you get sick all the time.

Robert: i can imagine, i’m exposed to my students’ germs though.

Kristin:  but they cover their mouths when they cough and don’t wipe their noses on their sleeves.

Robert: lol! that is true.

Kristin: could I ask you some questions?

Robert: sure

Kristin: what exactly happened with your ex-wife and you?

Robert: to make a long story short; she was very demanding and struggled with depression for years. i tried to help her but nothing I did could make any difference and the only outcome was that i sacrificed myself and my career for nothing.  now I have realized that you are only responsible for yourself.

Kristin: ok. you wrote in one of your emails that the women you had been dating weren’t capable of true intimacy. But why are you then hanging out with me who is kind of unavailable?

He was quiet for a moment; longer than she thought maybe was necessary.

Robert: clever girl! well, we both seem to be looking for something that is missing in our lives and i don’t have time for a full time relationship at the moment. Is this ok?

Kristin: as long as you are not only toying with me?

Robert: nope

You better not be! You better not be! Then I will get seriously mad. Or I will die!

Kristin: do you like teaching?

Robert: both yes and no. it can be rewarding but it can also be very draining.

Kristin: do you think you are a good teacher?

Robert: yes i do.

Kristin: how come?

Robert: lol i’m starting to feel like i am being interviewed for a new job.

Kristin: maybe I am sent out from the national student organization to see what you professors are truly made of.

Robert: lol! i better watch out then. i feel like i know my subject matter and know how to engage the students. but of course some students are not reachable whatever you do.

Kristin: ok, has that changed a lot since you started to teach? when was that anyway?

Robert: i started to teach 30 years ago, and yes the students’ knowledge levels have decreased drastically since then. but not only that, a lot kids today seem to have very little interest in an education. they want to do as little as possible.

 She reread his answers again, there was something, a delicate warning bell somewhere but she couldn’t pinpoint what it was yet, so she simply ignored it.

 Kristin: ok that was it i think.

Robert: ok, what do you want to do on Friday?

Kristin: can i have a repeat of last Friday.

Robert: J certainly. i will give you more if you want.

Kristin: more food?

Robert:  lol, not what I had in mind but yes i will for sure feed you.

 At nine she said goodbye and went downstairs to spend some time with John. He was watching TV as usual and didn’t seem to be up for any small talk.

What did I do before Robert? Did I watch TV every night? I don’t even like to watch TV.

Annoyed, she looked over at John.

“I’m going to the City on Friday.”

“Again?” he didn’t take his eyes from the TV.

“Yeah, I need some me time, away from the house and the kids.”

“Ok.”

“We should go in together soon. Do something, maybe go to a museum.”

He looked over at her, but he didn’t turn off the TV.

“Sure, whenever you want.”

She knew that this meant that it would never happen if she didn’t make the plans herself. She sighed tiredly.

Before she went to bed she turned on the computer again. Robert was still online.

Kristin: I just wanted to say good night

Robert: good night

Kristin: and by the way I would really like to read something you have written.

Robert: they are scholarly books and are not easy to come by. I can send you an article if you like.

Kristin: thanks! and good night

 

The dream was affectionate and gentle.

She stood barefoot on a porch looking out over a big wild garden, felt the worn old wood under her feet.  It was summer but not balmy, only delightfully warm.  Sunflowers to the right by a fence and next to them tomatoes, a big brown dog was laying in the deepest shade under a magnificent oak tree. She had a basket in her hand, and she knew she was heading to the tomatoes to pick some for lunch.

She took a step and stopped, her body felt different, not as supple as usual. Surprised she looked down at her stomach. She was pregnant, maybe six or seven months. Then he was there behind her and put his hands on her stomach and his chin on her shoulder. She felt his body pressed into hers, like it always had been there.

“How are you guys?” he whispered in her ear.

And the baby kicked fiercely against his hand.

 

 

 

                                                            24.

 

“There are things which a man is afraid to tell even to himself, and every decent man has a number of such things stored away in his mind.”

Fyodor Dostoevsky

 
One morning when Kristin woke up she heard voices from the kitchen, it was early, she could tell.  The sun had just started to rise and filled the room with murky light.  She listened carefully and soon realized that it was daddy’s voice. He had only been gone about a week since mommy kicked him out together with Fritz. She stood up and walked out into the living room. No one could hear her when she walked softly and barefoot across the floor.

The door to the kitchen was cracked open and she stopped outside and listened.

“I promise Linda, this time it’s different.”

Her father’s voice was filled with affection.

“I won’t drink anymore, I won’t leave. I just want to stay here with you and the children.”

Her mother said nothing.

“Look at me, Linda. I promise you!”

“You know I want to believe you, Jimmy. I do! But- ”

Her mother didn’t have the chance to finish her sentence before her father spoke again.

“I know, darling, I know I have failed you, and let you down, and hurt you. But this time it will be different. I promise!”

Her mother sighed powerlessly. 

“You know I can’t resist you, Jimmy. I never have been able.”

“I love you Linda, I love you so!”

Kristin heard some kissing noises so she went back to the bedroom and laid down on her mattress again.

Her father’s words had lit a fire in her chest. This time it would be different. This time they would be a family for real, forever. He wouldn’t leave, he wouldn’t drink. He would be like other daddies and come and watch when she played softball and he would get a real job. Mommy would never have to leave either and she wouldn’t ever be drunk again. She would always be home, and there would always be food on the table. And she never had to wear dirty clothes, or be afraid anymore, or be hungry or fight when kids said mean things about her parents.

And maybe they could get a bigger apartment or even a house. They could have a backyard, and they could barbecue in the summer and have pumpkins on the stoop at Halloween. And she could have her own room, and not have to sleep on a mattress on the floor with Jonas and Emma. A room with a bed and a desk and a bookcase.

Maybe they could even have a dog. A black poodle or maybe white. And it would dance next to her when she took it out for long walks every day.

She clasped her hands and prayed. She never did pray much, it didn’t seem to work very well for her.

Dear Jesus, please help my daddy. Help him to be strong so he can stay here with us. Dear Jesus, I want my family to be like every other family. I don’t want any more fights. I want a house with my own room. And I want mommy and daddy to be happy. Dear Jesus, please help my daddy.

She stayed in bed until Emma woke up; they walked out in the living room together. The kitchen door was wide open but the door to her parent’s bedroom was closed. No one was awake anymore except for the two of them.

“I want mommy,” Emma said and started to walk towards the closed bedroom door.

“No, she is sleeping.”

Kristin took the little girl’s hand in hers.

“Daddy is back and they are sleeping. Come lets go out in the kitchen and I will make you breakfast.”

“But I want mommy!” Emma pouted with her lips and looked angry.

“Mommy is sleeping!” Kristin didn’t raise her voice, only tightened the grip around Emma’s hand. “Don’t cry! I’ll pinch you if you cry.”

Emma’s lip started to tremble but she didn’t cry.

Kristin dragged Emma to the kitchen and filled a bowl with cereal and milk. Emma spilled half of it on the floor but it kept her busy for a while.

When daddy finally woke up, it was midday. Mommy had chased them out of the house as soon as she was up and they were not allowed back until lunch. They were all sitting by the kitchen table eating fried potatoes and eggs when he came walking into the kitchen. He had on his old jeans and nothing more, his brown hair was messy and he hadn’t shaved in a while.

“Mmmm,” he said and smiled, “something smells good.”

He gave mommy a kiss on the lips and she smiled and caressed his hair.

“Hi little girl.” He bent down and gave Kristin a kiss on her head.

“Hi big boy,” he said and tousled Jonas’ hair.

“Hi princess,” he said to Emma but she started to howl, so he didn’t touch her.

Daddy sat down on the chair next to Kristin. She looked at him from the corner of her eye; he had a green and yellow bruise on one of his shoulders and a few small purple round ones on his neck and to her surprise it looked like someone had scratched his back.

He took two eggs and a heap of potatoes on a plate and squeezed out a ton of ketchup on top and started to eat.

“What about some coffee?” he asked and mommy got up from the table again and poured him a cup.

“Thanks lovely,” he said and held on to mommy’s hand for a moment.

And they looked at each other in that way that made Kristin happy and jealous at the same time.

This time it will be different, this time it is for real. Dear Jesus, please help my daddy!