Chapter 25-26

25.

 

“Going to another country doesn’t make any difference. I’ve tried all that. You can’t get away from yourself by moving from one place to another. There’s nothing to that.”

                                                                      Ernest Hemingway, The Sun also Rises

 

On Thursday Anna finally felt better and she went back to school. Kristin was one jittery jumble of excitement. To her astonishment, Jack didn’t seem to be catching the cold and she wasn’t sure if the fizzy tables had prevented her from becoming sick or if it was pure adrenalin that kept the germs away, but she felt great.

Wednesday morning he had sent an email already at 4AM; his cat had again gnawed on his paw. He had to teach and then take him to the vet.  That same night he had dinner with a friend and she had missed their nightly chat immensely. She had tried to watch some TV, but it only bored her, so she read the article he had sent her. It was interesting and she enjoyed the hidden sarcasm, or maybe it was because she heard his voice as she read.

Eventually she decided to simply go to bed; she probably needed some extra sleep anyway.  She was in bed already at 8:30 and with the sleeping pill’s help had slept straight through to six in the morning. When she woke up, she was very sleepy and the stomachache she had been carrying around for a few days was gone.

Only 24 hours until I am with Robert again!

When she came home she noticed the invitation on the refrigerator door. She had completely forgotten that Jack was going to a party on Sunday and of course she hadn’t bought a present for the birthday boy.

Frustrated, she turned on the computer; maybe there was a bookstore or a toy store close to Robert. Then she could “zwei fliegen mit einem schlag treffen” as grandpa used to say. She checked her emails, Robert hadn’t written to her so she wrote a short one asking him if he knew of any bookstores or toy stores in his neighborhood.

As she was searching on the internet, he came online.

Robert: hi

Kristin: hi, I have to get a gift for a 4 year old boy tomorrow.

Robert: there is a bookstore on Ave E and 68^th Street. The subway stops on 67^th street.

Kristin: great! I have to go there first then I think I will walk. Do you want to meet me?

Robert: sure, txt me when you go in the store and I will start walking.

Kristin: I don’t think I will be more than 15 minutes.

Robert: do you want to get lunch on the way? we could have thai.

She was just about to say yes, the thought of going out for lunch with him was enticing, but she soon realized that she would be nervous the whole time.

I wish this wasn’t a secret! I wish I didn’t have to hide this!

Kristin: the only problem is that I can’t even kiss you in public.

Robert: no problem we can have it delivered.

She sighed agonizingly.

Kristin:  ok great!

Robert: so you are not sick yet?

Kristin: no! amazing! I normally get sick.

Robert: positive thinking helps. I’m very positive and good things come my way.

Kristin: I’m always afraid to want something too much because then it never seems to be mine.

Robert: what else are you afraid of?

She thought about it for a moment.

Kristin:  I am a little bit afraid of the water.

And one day I will tell you why.

Robert: me too! i used to surf a lot but I am more careful now. I have had some close calls lately.

Kristin: but you still surf?

Robert: yes, I still love the water. She is the mother of all.

Kristin: true! maybe you can teach me to not be afraid of the water.

Robert: sure that would be fun! have you ever been to Hawaii?

Kristin: no

Robert: we should go there sometime. it’s wonderful!

Kristin: is that an invitation or a promise?

Robert: both

Oh Hawaii! Oh Robert!

She sighed longingly and rubbed her face.

Why do I feel so sad all of a sudden? Ignore and suppress! Ignore and suppress!

Robert:  are you afraid of anything else?

Kristin: I’m not afraid of the dark because i have amazing night vision

Robert:  of course you do! like your namesake.

Kristin: I’m afraid of pain, not physical pain. I have given birth twice… but emotional pain.

Robert: me too.

Kristin: I have had plenty in my life

Robert: me too!  but i never look back, the past is the past.

Kristin: but I believe that whatever happens to us during our formative years never truly leaves us alone. We can move away or pretend it didn’t happen but it will always be there.

Robert: that is true, but never forget that we only live in the present.

Kristin: I wish I could do that. I am always haunted by demons and regret.

Robert: not me! each new day is a gift. I never regret anything.

It sounds so simple, so easy! Maybe you can teach me how to be like that. Because I need it!

Robert: this is my busy time of the year; the end of the semester and then I really will have to start to work on my book to make the deadline. I am happy I have our meetings to look forward to.

Kristin: thank you and likewise.

She looked at the time, it was already 10:30, and she had to do the grocery shopping before she picked up Jack. John always took the train on Thursdays so she could use the car to buy the groceries.

Kristin: i’m sorry but i have to go now. will i see you tonight?

Robert: i’m having dinner with a friend tonight but i will see you tomorrow. Txt me from the store.

Kristin: i will! See you tomorrow.

 

She rushed to the store only to realize she of course had forgotten the shopping list at home again. She bought what she normally got; apples, potatoes, milk, juice, bread etc.  and a few extra things like napkins, toilet paper and cleaning fluid. Rushed home again and threw in all the groceries in the refrigerator before she took off running to be in time to pick up Jack.

Is there some kind of natural law that when you are sure you will be late you end up being first? Kristin stood outside the pre-school and waited, trying to catch her breath. Ryan’s mom was second and they had a discussion about the dry weather and that now there were only two more months before the summer break. They decided to try to have a play date soon again.

Jack was in an excellent mood; he skipped and jumped in front of her. Kristin smiled when she saw him and started to chase him on the sidewalk. He giggled and tried to get away but she was faster and got hold of him and swung him up in the air. When he came down she grabbed him and held him tight and covered his face with kisses.

“No kisses now,” he said and tried to wiggle away.

How would the kids take it if we get divorced? John could live in an apartment and come and have dinner twice a week and put them to bed and then he could have them in the house on the weekends and I could go to the City and be with Robert.

Her entire solar plexus got tight when she thought about this. A whole weekend with Robert would fill her with the same joy as the first warm sun in February or the first crisp cool fall day after the long hot summer. A whole weekend, Friday night to Sunday afternoon. They could go out for dinner on Friday, they could walk along the river on Saturday morning, lay in bed the whole afternoon, go to the movies, sleep late, make love. And of course kiss and talk and kiss and talk and kiss and talk, until her lips hurt.

She let out a deep lust filled sigh.

 

 

         

                                                                26.

“One, two, three, four, five,

Once I caught a fish alive,

Six, seven, eight, nine, ten,

Then I let it go again.”

 

Daddy had Emma on his shoulders and the cooler in his hand filled with sandwiches and lemonade. Kristin and Jonas walked on either side of him with their fishing poles. For the first time in weeks, the sun didn’t shine from a sharp blue sky. Everybody was waiting for the rain to come, they heard the thunder in the distance as they walked and the sky was covered in a grey blanket, but not even one raindrop had made its way to the ground yet.

Everybody was complaining; the farmers begged for rain for their crops, the forest owners were terrified of dry lightning (one spark would turn the parched forest into a blazing fire), the housewives complained about the dust that come in through cracks and the clean laundry that was covered with a film of beige grime when it was brought in from the line. The only two not complaining were the snack bar owner by the lake and Eddie’s ice cream; both did big business this summer.

When they came to the lethargic river, they sat down under one of the trees and put their fishing poles in the water. The dry, burned grass was sharp against their bare legs.

Daddy sat with Emma on his lap, playing with her tiny toes.

“This little piggy went to the market; this little piggy stayed home; this little piggy had roast beef.”

Jonas jumped up and pulled hard on his fishing pole.

“I got something!” he screamed.

Daddy picked up Emma on his hip and walked over.

“Slowly,’’ he urged Jonas, “or you will just scare it away.”

But Jonas pulled his line up on the riverbank and on the end of the line was a small silvery fish. The hook was stuck in the left eye. Daddy started to laugh.

“You must have hooked it with pure force.”

Jonas was quivering out of excitement.

“I felt it!”

Daddy laughed some more, he put Emma down on the ground and she extended a tiny little finger and touched the shimmering fish.

“You probably felt it touch the line. A skill in itself.”

Jonas beamed up at daddy and daddy beamed back.

“Now we can use this little one as bait and maybe we can get a big one.”

Daddy grabbed the end of the hook and pressed it even deeper into the fish’s eye.

“Don’t hurt the fishy.” Emma said.

Daddy laughed and picked her up in his arms.

“Little princess.” He swung her around so she giggled.

Kristin felt nothing even touching her line; she doubted that any fish could live in the slow moving hot water. After an hour it started to get boring to sit there with her pole, but Jonas sat and stared focused on his float with the same dazed expression as when he watched TV.

Daddy was spinning Emma around.

“Gregory Griggs, Gregory Griggs,

Had twenty-seven different wigs.

He wore them up, he wore them down,”

Daddy lifted Emma high up and then low down, and she giggled with her whole belly. Kristin started to walk along the riverbank and the last thing she heard was;

“To please the people of the town;

He wore them east, he wore them west,

But he never could tell which he loved the best.”

 

Daddy was different this time; he seemed happy and she hadn’t heard the unbearable sounds of a beer can in the morning or the scraping of the metal cap against the glass whiskey bottle neck. Two sounds she could make out through sounds from the TV or people talking. Even though they were little noises, they were full of fear and hate and disgust.

On the other side of the river was another family; they sat on the riverbank with the fishing poles in the water. The mother and the father were accompanied by twin girls, their black hair was cut into bobs with straight bangs. The only two adopted children in town. Daddy had told her the little girls came from South Korea. But Kristin remembered that there used to be another little girl in the middle of that family. A little girl with the same blonde hair as her mother. A little girl with the name Teresa, Kristin always thought the name sounded like a princess from a fairytale.

Jonas had still been very small then because he was always in the stroller, but she had been old enough to remember. One late fall day the little girl with the blonde hair had disappeared. They searched the woods, they searched the river, they searched the lake but she was nowhere to be found.  Kristin’s mother and other mothers had been whispering at the playground, she had as usual heard everything. There were whispers about men, dangerous men who came and took little girls, and there were whispers about the father of the little girl and there were whispers about the tribe reservations.

When the first snow came the whispers stopped and then after the long, cold winter when the sun started to warm again, a bird watcher from out of town saw something white in the water on the moor. When he had poked it with a stick he had realized that it was a child. He had vomited all over his pants and shoes.

Every parent in town scared their children into avoiding the moor. Even grandpa used his stern voice when he demanded that Kristin promise never to go out on the moor by herself.

It took a few years, and one day the mother and the father of the little blonde girl had brought home two new little girls with slanted eyes and black hair.

“You can never replace a child with a new one; a lost child is always gone.” her grandfather had said and for once her mother got angry with him.

“Leave them be papa, don’t you see the joy these children give them?”