Chapter 19-20

            19.

“Sweet April showers

Do spring May flowers”

Thomas Tusser

 

Sunday morning was an early wake up, she had started to get used to it by now. Heard the seagulls, thought of Robert’s cottage in Maine and that he had asked her to come and visit one time.

Turned on the computer and found an email waiting, it was sent late Saturday evening.

Thank you for calling me this afternoon. I had a really good time talking to you, and I really enjoyed hearing you voice.

Then she had to turn off the computer because Anna woke up and came walking to where she was sitting by the computer asking what she was doing.

“Nothing! Let’s go downstairs so we don’t wake daddy and Jack.”

They tiptoed downstairs; outside the April sun was a royal yellow sphere hung behind the naked black tree branches. The seagulls were still there but she hardly heard them by now.

“Can we make French toast?”

“Sure!”

Kristin opened the fridge and brought out the bread, the eggs and the milk. Cracked four eggs in a flat bowl and poured in some milk (and of course this brought out the thought of Robert to the forefront), added some vanilla and some cinnamon. Anna stirred with a fork, pierced the yolks the way Kristin had taught her.  Put a big blob of butter in the pan and dipped the first bread slice.

“Do you want to set the table?”

“Yes,” Anna said, opened the drawer and took out four forks and four knives. She carefully placed them on the table. Kristin took down the plates and put them in the little girl’s hands. Anna carried them gently to the table and put them out.

Both of them stopped when they heard Jack march across the floor in his room and threw open the door.

“I am awake now.”

He skipped down the stairs and ran out in the kitchen.

“What are you doing? Are you making French toast? Yummy!”

He pulled up the little stool that the kids used to reach the kitchen counter and pushed into the corner of the kitchen cabinets.

“Can I dip?” he asked and grabbed a piece of bread.

“Yes, but don’t lick your fingers.”

He pushed down the bread in the batter and pressed with his hand.

“Careful, don’t smash it.”

Then he was done and jumped down from the stool again.

John woke up when the French toast was done, he yawned, looking completely exhausted and this frustrated Kristin to no end.  

After church, she decided it was time to plant the seeds for the year. She put her hands in the dirt. Dry, dusty dirt. She looked up in the pale blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. When she dug, the dry soil lifted and filled the air with a sandy smoke. And it went into her eyes and nose.

Do I really have to water in April? Where are those darn April showers?

“Look at this!” she said to John. “Look how dry it is.”

“I don’t know,” he shrugged, “isn’t it always like this.”

“No,” she could feel the irritation growing in her stomach, “ever heard of April showers?”

Robert would know, he would know what I meant.

John shrugged.

“I guess you are right.”

“You have to make lunch today. I don’t have time.”

She tried to make her voice neutral, but she wasn’t sure she succeeded.

“What am I supposed to make?”

“I don’t know, go and look in the fridge.”

Neutral up my ass.

“You don’t have to be so nasty just because I ask a question.”

Kristin pretended she didn’t hear and started to dig again.

 

Anna came and helped her. Jack would rather sit in the sandbox with his trucks. She showed the little girl how to make tiny, shallow rows and carefully spread the seeds out. Then fold the dirt over again and pat lightly with her hand. Then they watered until the dirt was soaked.

John came out with a tray with sandwiches and juice boxes. They all sat on the blanket and eate. Kristin constantly looking at her watch, waiting for night to come so she could go and sit by the computer and hopefully talk to Robert.

In the afternoon, she got a chance to write him an email.

Can you chat tonight around 8?

Then she had to start making Sunday dinner. She suffered through the whole ordeal, felt like a teenager wanting to escape her parents.

Perhaps I’m having a delayed teenage revolution. I never really had one.

 At 7:50 she turned on the computer and he was already online.

Robert: Hi there

Kristin: Hi! How are you?

Robert: I am good, how are you?

Kristin: I’m ok.

Can I say that I miss him or is that too much?

Robert: what have you done today?

Kristin: we planted seeds.

Robert: nice, what kind?

Kristin: carrots, peas, radishes, watermelon, lettuce and beats

Robert:  i miss having a garden. it’s lovely

Kristin: yeah don’t think i would survive out here in suburbia without one.

Robert: I know what you mean!

Kristin: the ground is so dry this year though. no april showers so far.

Robert: you are right! they will come eventually and then we will complain that it rains too much.

Kristin: probably the day i plan to wash my sheets or something.

Robert: I love how the sheets smell when i can hang them outside up by my cottage.

Kristin: yes, they smell wonderful!

Robert: did you hear they predict this summer will be hotter than last

Kristin: I hate hot weather!

Robert:  me too!

Kristin: we agree a lot!

Robert: yes, i had given up hope that you existed, little wolf.

The words bounced their way into her body, made her cold all over and her throat tightened.

Kristin: those are strong words and they give me goose bumps.

Robert: me too!

Both of them were quiet for a while.

Kristin: let’s talk about something less scary.

Robert: ha! like what?

Kristin: we already discussed the weather but in these circumstances politics or religion seems safe.

Robert: lol

And so they did. Agreed that neither of them would ever vote Republican. Agreed that they couldn’t understand what the big deal was with gay marriage. Agreed that religion should stay out of politics. Agreed that at the moment the world was too selfish and too preoccupied with superficial philosophies to take care of things that matters the most.

And it was incredibly wonderful to agree, and agree and agree.

Kristin: I haven’t agreed with anyone this much for the whole weekend.

Robert: aww sorry to hear that!

Kristin: thanks!

Eventually, she had to go to bed even though she would much rather sit here by the computer and talk to Robert all night long.

 

 

20.

“County fair, county fair,
Everybody in town'll be there
So come on, hey we're goin' down there
(Hey) Little girl with the long blond hair
Come win your daddy one of them stuffed bears
Baby, down at the country fair”

Bruce Springsteen

 

The carnival was in town; the music from the rides and the people laughing and screaming had made its way to their apartment. They were going; Kristin and daddy. Emma was too small and Jonas had a summer cold.

She stood by the door waiting for him to get ready.

“Daddy, are you coming?”

She could almost smell the popcorn and the cotton candy and in her pocket was a five dollar bill from grandpa. Hers, and only hers, to spend in whatever way she felt like.

“I am almost done,” daddy called from the bathroom, “don’t rush me or I will cut myself.”

She had on a new t-shirt, baby blue with a horse on it (it was new to her, one of mommy’s friends had given them a whole bag full of outgrown clothes) and dark blue shorts. She felt pretty!

“Ok, here I come,” daddy said and stepped out of the bathroom. He was buttoning his shirtsleeve shirt.

She barely had time to say goodbye to the others, dragged daddy by the hand.

He smelled good, her daddy, aftershave and soap. And he was handsome with his broad shoulders, brown hair and dark blue eyes. She held his hand, hard and content.

It took forever to get there because daddy had to stop and talk to everybody.

“Hey Jimmy, long time no see.”

“Where have you been man?”

“What is up with this weather? When will we finally get some rain?”

“How are the kids and the wife?”

“Good to see you! You want some?”

That was when Kristin turned her eyes the other way to not see when daddy took a mouthful of the flask that someone handed to him. She dragged him harder by the hand.

“Come daddy!”

He laughed and walked with her while the other ones laughed and said, “She knows how to take care of her old man.”

Tilt-a-whirl, the whip, a Ferris wheel, bumper cars, rollercoaster, a funhouse and a merry-go-round. Heaven for  two sensation seeking people.

“What do you want to do first?”

Kristin hesitated; took in the lights, and the movement and all the noise. Tasted the excitement in the air, sucked it down inside of her, let it fill her up. Sweet from candied apples, buttered popcorn and cotton candy. Musky from the sweaty people and the dry, parched dirt, that filled the air with a light beige fog.

“The rollercoaster!”

Up, up, up and then dooooown. Both of them laughed out loud.

On the Ferris wheel, her hands were sticky from cotton candy.

In the funhouse, they stood in front of the mirrors for a long time. She knew it was an illusion, a trick, but she was always equally fascinated.

 

They hit everybody hard on the bumper cars, her daddy yelling.

“Get him Kristin, get him.”

And she steered and backed and hit. 

And they shared the popcorn and the lemonade sitting on the dry ground when the sun was setting.

In the dark all the lights glimmered in red, yellow, blue and green and Kristin was high on sugar and happiness. And she wished this night would never ever end.

 

She didn’t know what time it was when they started to walk home, but it had been dark for a while and she was tired.

“I am tired, daddy.”

He picked her up in his arms and she put her head heavily on his shoulder. Fell asleep while he carried her. He put her gently on her mattress and covered her with the blanket. The last thing she heard was her mother giggling and then they closed the door to their bedroom.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with these birds.”

Her father’s voice woke her abruptly. Daylight flooded the room and she saw that Emma and Jonas were already up. She walked out in the living room; the others stood by the balcony door and looked at daddy. He stood outside in his underwear waving his arms at something.

She climbed up onto the couch and looked out the window. The small maple and the ground were covered with seagulls. They were loud and wouldn’t move, no matter what daddy did. Waved, shouted or cursed. Eventually he came into the apartment again.

“What the fuck is wrong with these birds?” he grumbled and went out in the kitchen and opened a beer.

The hissing sound of the carbonation leaving the can was sharper than a knife in Kristin’s ears.

“Kristin, get ready for church,” her mother said.

“Is daddy coming?”

Her mother shook her head.

“Hurry up!”

 

Kristin had fished out a dress from the closet; it was clean but wrinkly. Her mother didn’t seem to notice. She pushed the stroller with Emma and told Kristin and Jonas to hurry up.   

“I forgot to eat breakfast,” Kristin said and stopped short.

Her mother groaned but didn’t stop.

“You’ll have to eat later.”

“But I am hungry.”

Her mother stopped and grabbed Kristin’s arm.

“Then you should have eaten something.”

Her grip hurt but the voice hurt more. Her mother let go of her arm and started to push the stroller again.

 

Her stomach was growling when they sat in church.

“You ask God for forgiveness for your sins, whatever they may be. Lying, cheating, stealing, being cruel or plain selfishness.”

Grandpa’s voice was strong and full of fire.

“But before you can receive the Lords forgiveness you must forgive the ones who have betrayed you and you must ask for forgiveness from the ones you have treated wrongly.”

The lady in front of them was sweating on her neck; small clear pearls were gliding down and disappeared inside the collar of the dress.

“The Lord forgives easily but for us simple humans, it is harder. We are filled with pride and imaginary strength. But to be truly strong you have to bend your knee and ask for forgiveness. And perhaps even more importantly we must be ready to extend forgiveness to those who have done us wrong even when it hurts our pride and vanity.”

She started to feel almost faint in the warm church. She hadn’t eaten anything since last night and she hadn’t had any dinner at all.

“The one who lack empathy and claims no responsibility for their actions carries a hole inside. We are only true images of God when we see everybody as equals and acknowledge our own weaknesses. Jesus himself was tempted by the Devil, Jesus himself felt abandoned on the cross. But he asked his Father to forgive his perpetrators. In his hardest moment he still had empathy for others, even the ones who hurt him badly.”

She stared out the window and thought of a fresh baked roll with butter on from the bakery on the corner a few houses down from the church. When the sermon was over she would ask grandpa for a quarter and buy one.   

“Good sermon today, Pastor Berger.”

“Beautiful as usual, Pastor Berger.”

Grandpa stood at the church door and shook the hands of the parish. Ladies in dresses and men in their Sunday clothes. Kristin stood close by and whispered.

“Grandpa.”

When she had whispered twenty times he turned his head and looked at her.

“What do you want?” he whispered back.

“I didn’t have any breakfast. Can I have a quarter to buy a roll?”

Grandpa reached for his wallet and gave her two dollars.

“Buy a whole bag and bring some home for the others too.”

“Thanks grandpa,” she said and he bent down so she could give him a kiss.

She ran down the street to the bakery. The little bell jingled when she opened the door. There were a few other people from church in line already. Kristin craned her neck and looked around the grownups. Kaiser rolls, dollar rolls, finger rolls, kummelweck. All lined up in beautiful golden rows.

She left the store with a big paper bag in her arms, the lady in the bakery knew that she was Pastor Bergen’s grandchild and had given her a few extra rolls.

No one knows that I got those extra ones.

She opened the bag and took one of the rolls in her hand. Stuffed it in her mouth and swallowed it almost whole. Took another one and swallowed it down. After the third one she started to feel partly satisfied and she still had ten to bring home.