Chapter 21-22

21.

“Monday, you can hold your head
Tuesday, Wednesday stay in bed
Or Thursday watch the walls instead
It's Friday I'm in love”

 Robert James Smith

 

Anna was sleeping later than usual on Monday morning and when she came out of her room she looked all puffy eyed and tired.

“Mommy, my throat hurts.”

She put her hand on Anna’s forehead, maybe she was a little warm but it was hard to tell when she had just woken up.

“I am tired mommy.”

Anna hung her head.

Days like this she wished they had two cars, but they didn’t so she had to get the little girl dressed and put her in the stroller. Jack protested loudly over that he had to walk and Anna got to ride. When they came back from pre-school, she put Anna in the big chair in front of the TV wrapped in a blanket.

I can’t get sick! I can’t! If I do I can’t see Robert on Friday. I can’t get sick!

She desperately searched through the bathroom cabinet and found a tube with those pills you drop in water that are supposed to keep a cold away.

I can’t get sick! I can’t!

She read the instructions. “Take every 4 hours but not more than 3 in 24 hours.” As usual, the instructions made no sense whatsoever. She took one; it tasted like a bad soda.

Anxiously, contemplated if she would tell Robert and eventually she decided to write him an email.

Hi Robert,

My daughter is sick and normally what the kids have I end up getting. I really hope I won’t be sick on Friday but I thought I would forewarn you.

She fed Anna juice and ice pops and made her chicken soup for lunch. She vacuumed and picked up toys and clothes from all over the house.

Why is the house always messier on Monday than any other day of the week?

 The little girl watched one movie after another until they had to go and get Jack. He was equally upset on the way home that he had to walk and Anna got to ride. But when they came home and realized he also could have an ice pop and watch a movie he was happy again.

When both children were situated by the TV she went upstairs again to check her emails.

Hi Kristin,

Sorry to hear that you daughter is sick. I really want to see you on Friday but I can’t afford to get sick now at the end of the semester and I have to be able to focus on my book project since I am in deadline mode.

She took a deep breath in. One thing she hated was to not be able to get what she wanted and when she wanted it. And not knowing if, that was almost worse. Frustration crept into her body, filled it with restlessness. She looked down at her watch; two and half hours since she took that fizzy tablet.

What is the worst that can happen if you overdose on those? Maybe I puke, it could be worth it. As long as I can kiss him again, and lay in his arms again.

Popped another one in a glass of water and drank it down. Still pretty awful tasting.

Jack left the TV and came into the kitchen.

“I don’t want to watch any more TV, I want to play.”

“What do you want to play?”

He leaned against the kitchen cabinets.

“I want to build a fort,” he lifted up his arms over his head, “a big one.”

She smiled at him and tousled his hair.

“Ok, little man let’s get the blankets.”

Jack went to the TV room and grabbed the fleece blankets they normally used during cold winter nights. Kristin went to the linen closet and grabbed the biggest sheet she could find.

“I want it to start here,” Jack stood on one side of the room and then he walked to the other side, “and end here.”

She had to laugh, he looked so serious.

“I’m sorry but I don’t think we have enough blankets for that. Maybe a little smaller?”

Jack looked even more serious and then he walked a few steps into the room.

“Maybe a little smaller?”

Eventually they had come to a compromise that the blankets could accommodate. When the fort was done Jack went to his room and grabbed all his stuffed animals.  Kristin could hear how he talked to them in the fort. Told them little stories and sang them songs.

He is the sweetest little boy in the world. Wonder what he will think of Robert?

This thought brought on a loud buzzing in her head, she couldn’t really focus. Things seemed blurred, she blinked a few times, tried to get things back to normal. After a while the buzzing stopped and things got clearer again. She shook her head and went down to see how Anna was doing.

Anna went to bed already at 6:30 and since John was working late she put Jack to bed early too. She knew he would probably be up with the sun the next morning but she couldn’t resist having a whole night by the computer, with Robert.

He wasn’t online so she emailed him and wrote some emails and checked Facebook. Listened to some music on Spotify and then he was online. Yay!

Robert: Hi Kristin

Kristin: hi my favorite professor

Robert: how’s your daughter?

Kristin: she has a sore throat but that is it so far.

Robert: Hope you won’t get sick!

Kristin: YES!

Robert: what have you done today?

Kristin: feeding Anna ice pops and juice and building a fort with Jack.

Robert: you built a fort? you are a fun mommy!

Kristin: thanks! we do that a lot. Jack loves to bring in all his stuffed animals in the fort and play with them there.

 

All of sudden she just had to go and look out the window to make sure John wasn’t coming home anyway.

Robert: you will notice when they get older that a lot of mommies don’t play with their kids.

Kristin: i know! but i like it. not all the time but it can be a lot of fun. makes me feel like a kid again.

Robert: that must be nice!

Kristin: yeah! some parents seem to just haul their kids around to different activities .

Robert: yes it is absurd how little free play children have today. 

Kristin: yes, it is a big difference from when i was a kid.

Robert: and even more since I was a kid…that is a long time ago before you were born.

Kristin: you are not that old only 17 years older than me. and age doesn’t matter anyway.

Robert: I know.

Kristin: and what i feel for you goes beyond age and looks anyway. They are only superficial and will fade in time.

Robert: Hail wise wolf!

Kristin: lol I have my moments.

Robert: now when we talk about looks, would it be ok for you to send me a picture of you?

 

Kristin hesitated because deep down she didn’t feel completely satisfied with how she looked nowadays. After the two kids her appearance had changed and she felt old, worn-out and she thought that it was even worse in pictures. But she had actually felt beautiful with Robert, in a room full of bright daylight. More beautiful than she had felt in a long time.

 

Kristin: I will see if i can find one.

Robert: thanks! I will send you one of me if you like.

Kristin: yes I would like that, thanks.

A new email showed up within a minute, she opened it. There he was, with those narrow eyes, and the smile and his distinctive nose. She sighed involuntarily and yearned for him.  

Kristin: thanks I really like it.

 

 

 

                                                                                    22.

“I wanna be where the boys are

I wanna fight how the boys fight

I wanna love how the boys love

I wanna be where the boys are”

 

Kim Fowley and Ronnie Lee

She was riding her bike fast down the hill, so fast the trees and the fields had turned into a blurry green mass. When she came to the parking lot she skidded to a stop so the gravel sprayed around the tire. She jumped off, locked the bike to a lamppost and grabbed her sack. She couldn’t see Karen’s bike anywhere so she climbed up on the stonewall that was built to make sure no cars drove down the hill and into the lake.

As she was waiting she counted mosquito bites. Five on her left leg, four on the right leg and seven all together on her arms. A few other kids from school walked by and she said hi to them. They came in groups and would spend the day together. Kristin didn’t like small groups, they made her nervous. Big groups you could hide in, small groups were unpredictable and you never knew if someone would say something hurtful.  To be only with Karen was the perfect way. When she attached herself to one person she did that fully and wholly.  She was a one person dog, just like a German Shepard.

After maybe ten minutes, she saw Karen coming down the hill, equally fast and she also skidded to a stop in front of her.

“Hi, sorry I’m late. My mom made me pull weeds the whole day.”

“It’s ok!”

Kristin jumped down from the wall and waited as Karen locked her bike next to hers.

 

 “I am so hot! I need to swim.” Karen said and grabbed her bag.

“Me too!”

They ran down the hill and found a good spot in the shade under one of the pine trees. Kristin pulled off her t-shirt and her shorts and waited impatiently as Karen got undressed.

 Then they ran down to the water; Karen in her red bathing suit and Kristin in her blue one. The water was lukewarm silk against her skin and she dove in. Today you could stay in forever. They climbed up the ladder to the diving board and jumped in feet first, they tumbled in the water like seals and swam under the surface until their lungs almost burst. When they were out of breath and their muscles trembled, they walked slowly back up to their spot, squeezed out their braids on the ground and slumped down on the towels.

Karen had brought a bag of homemade cinnamon rolls; they finished the bag all at once.

“Ouch! I think I ate too much.” Karen said and rolled to her side.

Kristin was pleasantly full. At home at the moment most money was being spent on cigarettes and whiskey. A certain sign that soon either their parents would have a huge, plate breaking, fist waving fight and her dad would leave or grandpa would come and get them. And he would feed them, bathe them and all three children would sleep 12 hour nights for a week until they had caught up on sleep lost during the noisy nights.

Emma had started to fall asleep on the floor at anytime during the day and Jonas had started to sit in the corner on his mattress with his tiger over his face. Kristin was pumped up on adrenalin and insomnia.

“I think I will go and play some pinball.”

Karen grunted.

“Then I will read.” She picked out her book and rolled onto her stomach again.

Kristin pulled on her shorts; made sure she had the coins in her pocket and walked over to the arcade. She had four quarters left from the 11 dollars she had taken a month ago. She could play four times and if she was lucky maybe she would get an extra game. She walked by and glanced at the other girls, she was not like them and they were not like her. They all seemed to be made of giggles, and fluff and sunshine. She was, of course, the only girl who ever played pinball. But she was good!

The concrete floor of the arcade was still cool in the deep shade under the big oaks.  The boys stood gathered around the machines, they talked about high scores, and cars and some of the older ones talked about boobs and booze. She wasn’t scared of them, not here anyway. She stood leaning against the wall, took a deep breath and smelled the old warm wood. She waited for the one who was playing the Star Wars pinball machine. Her favorite! When he was done, she walked up and put in the first quarter.

She was completely focused on the silver ball. She was fast and accurate and she didn’t miss a lot of points. She was on a roll! Then someone came up to her and stood very close to her back, so close she could feel the warmth of a body against her back.

“Back off!” she said angrily.

But whoever it was didn’t back off and the silver ball rolled in between the pegs and she lost it.

“Fuck you!” she said and turned around.

It was one of the older boys; she knew his name was Kevin and he was in 9^th grade. He was tall and towered over her. He smelled of sweat and cigarettes.

“You made me lose my ball!” she said and pushed at him.

He only smiled at her. The other boys had stopped playing and were now looking at them. 

“I want your money!” he said.

“No!”

He started to laugh and then he put a hand on her throat and began to push her so she ended up against the wall. She could feel how the unfinished wood scraped her shoulder blades.

“Give me the money!”

“No!”

She tried to sound angry but she started to get scared now. The hand around her neck got tighter and then he took the other hand and put it down her shorts. His fingers dug into her flesh. It hurt! He leaned closer to her and put his mouth close to her ear. His warm breath was sticky against her skin.

“Give me your money or I finger fuck you right here”

Something inside of her froze to ice for a second. Then she stepped as hard as she could on his foot.

“Oouuh!” he screamed and she took the chance to kick him in the groin. He tumbled over and she ran.

Ran as fast as she could back to Karen.

“Let’s go home!” she panted and stuffed her towel into the sack.

“What?”

Karen sat up and looked around.

“Let’s go home!”

“Why?

“Come on!”

Karen got up slowly and packed her bag. Kristin took her by the hand and they ran up the hill.

Her fingers fumbled when she unlocked the bike.

“Come on!” she said to Karen.

 

She calmed down when she got on her bike. She knew that if she got ahead on the bike the boys wouldn’t stand a chance. 

“Let’s go to your house!” She yelled at Karen.

They rode up the hill, had to stand up and pump their legs hard. Up, up, up all the way to top and then a long downhill. They rode so fast that the wind whooshed by their ears and their eyes watered. At the bottom of the hill they took a sharp right and soon they were hidden in Karen’s neighborhood.

They ran into Karen’s room and slammed the door behind them.

“What happened?” Karen asked and sat down on the bed. She was breathing heavily and her face was red from the sun and the hard bike ride.

“Kevin in 9^th grade tried to take my pinball money and he said he was going to finger fuck me.”

Karen’s face got even redder.

“What?”

“I kicked him in the balls.”

Underneath Karen’s tan and embarrassment, she got pale.

“Oh shit! He will kill us!”

Kristin sat down on the bed next to Karen.

“I know! But at least we are not in school.”

Karen nodded but she still looked scared. Kristin sat down on the bed, she pushed away some of the pillows so she could sit cross legged. Karen’s room was filled with crisp white and bright pink.

“We could take his bike and throw in the river.”

Karen shook her head.

“No! Then he will kill us for sure.”

Kristin pursed her lips and thought about it.

“He won’t know it was us”

The adrenaline and the exhaustion filled her with an impetuous longing to do something, anything.

Karen shook her head again.

“I think it’s a bad idea.”

“Ok,” she said, “but that ok didn’t mean I agree or I won’t do it.

When it was time for Karen to eat dinner, she went home. They had been playing with Karen’s poodle in their sheltered backyard. And Karen’s mom had brought out a pitcher of lemonade and some watermelon. Kristin had wolfed it all down, as usual.

She rode home through the town, she could smell the barbecues, and she heard the people laughing and the kids playing. She thought they had some pasta at home she could cook.  Or maybe she should call grandpa. She decided that tomorrow she would call him but tonight she would climb out the window, down the drain pipe and dump Kevin’s bike in the river. She smiled the whole way home.

When she came into the apartment, she hesitated. A voice was coming out of the kitchen. A voice that always made Kristin cringe. Fritz was here; one of daddy’s buddies who only showed up when there was Whiskey.

Emma was sleeping on the couch and Jonas sat watching TV, clutching his tiger. He looked dazed and unfocused. Kristin stepped into the kitchen.

“Where is mom?”

In the middle of the table stood a bottle of Jim Beam. Already half empty!

“Hi little girl!” Daddy said with that voice that was blurry on the edges.

“Where is mom?”

Her mother was supposed to be home by now.

“She had to work late.”

Fritz looked at her and smiled.

“Why don’t you come over here and sit on my lap?” He asked.

Kristin lowered her eyes to the floor and shook her head.

“Ah, come on! Fritz doesn’t have a little girl at home. You can sit on his lap.” Daddy said.

Kristin shook her head again.

“Do we have any food?”

Both men laughed.

“I don’t know little girl.”

Kristin moved cautiously across the kitchen floor. Stayed as far away as possible from Fritz.

She wouldn’t be able to make pasta now but maybe they had something else to eat. In the fridge was a pack of hotdogs. She grabbed it quickly and left the kitchen again.

“We are eating in our room.”

She turned off the TV; Jonas lifted his head and looked at her. Then he slid off the couch and walked into their room. She didn’t know what to do with Emma. She couldn’t leave her alone here on the couch but she was heavy to carry. She stuffed the hot dogs inside the bathing suit and then she picked up the little girl. Emma cried a little but she didn’t open her eyes.

She carefully placed Emma on her mattress on the floor and took off her pants and the underwear. They were sopping wet. Emma had peed all over herself again.

She closed the door, locked it and put the chair under the door handle.

The two of them ate the hotdogs and then they waited for mommy to come home.

The fight started like a murmur from the kitchen. Voices bounced off the walls and soon they made their way into the bedroom. Loud! Stomach tightening! Emma’s eyes flew open and she started to cry. Jonas crawled up in the corner with his hands over his ears. Kristin listened.

“Out! Out! How do you dare bring that man in here with the kids? Don’t you know? Don’t you know what kind of man he is?”

The door slammed but the fight continued. It must have been Fritz who left.

Her father mumbled something; her mother screamed. Then the door slammed again and the apartment got quiet. Graveyard, frozen water, daddy is gone quiet!