Chapters 13-16

 

 

13.

“I met a little girl and I settled down
In a little house out on the edge of town
We got married, and swore we'd never part
Then little by little we drifted from each other's heart
At first I thought it was just restlessness
That would fade as time went by and our love grew deep”

Bruce Springsteen

 

Screeching seagulls again as soon as the sun rose, but this time she was already awake. She had been awake for hours lying as still as possible in the bed. Trying to sleep, listening to John sleeping, trying to understand why she didn’t feel guilty at all. But no matter how hard she searched inside of her she couldn’t find any guilt. Only a strong sense of excitement and joy that she would see Robert soon. And amazement that he existed and that they met.

He is like me. The only one I ever met!

Anna woke up first and as soon as Kristin heard the little girl’s footsteps she got out of bed and walked downstairs.

“Good morning sweetheart.”

Anna stood in the kitchen with her teddy bear clutched to her chest.

“I had a nightmare mommy.”

Kristin got down on her knees and pulled Anna into her lap.

“Yeah, what was it about?”

Anna’s body was still soft and warm from her sleep.

“That you left, mommy.”

Kristin put her face close to Anna’s ear.

“I would never leave you. Never ever!”  

She kissed Anna’s hair and cheeks.

“Never ever!”

Anna looked up at her with her hazel eyes.

“Good, because I would miss you, mommy.”

She held on tightly to the small body in her arms. Felt the tiny ribs, the bones in the shoulders, the muscles in the legs. The softness and the innocence. The trust and the love. The dreams and the resilience. 

“Never ever!” she whispered again.

As soon as she had dropped off the kids at school, she went to the drugstore and bought over the counter sleeping pills. 25 in the container. A month’s worth.

Just for a little while until I can sleep better again.

When she came home, she searched through the dresser and the closet for what she would wear on Friday. Eventually, she made up her mind and picked jeans, a white t-shirt and her favorite green cardigan. She put them on top of the dresser. She stared in the underwear drawer for a long time. Picked up a pair of lace panties but put them back again.

Wonder what he likes? But I won’t be naked anyway so it doesn’t matter.

Cotton panties with flowers on and a plain bra. Nice but not sexy or seductive in any fashion.

Because I am not going to be naked anyway.

 

Checked her emails. Nothing! She sighed deeply. Put on a CD, only as loud as she could when no one was home. Scrubbed the bathtub, vacuumed the kitchen floor again and made a shopping list. Made a sandwich for herself and ate it standing by the kitchen counter. Longed, yearned, ached for Friday to hurry up and arrive.

The rest of the day went by in a blur and since John had to work late again the evening hours went by even faster. At 8:30, she was by the computer again. One new email and Robert was online.

Can you chat tonight?

That was all he had written so she opened the chat window.

Kristin: yes I can chat tonight

Robert: Ha! hi little wolf

Kristin: hi professor, how’s the cat?

Robert: doing much better. she is eating again and she used the litter box so i am more relaxed.

Kristin: you sound just like a parent.

Robert: lol! what have you done today?

Kristin: usual stuff, taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning etc.

Robert: you sound like a good mommy.

Kristin: well I try to be better than my own mother at least.

Robert: my mother wasn’t that good either.

Kristin: what do you mean?

Robert: as a mother you live partly for you kids, right?

Kristin:  of course

Robert: my mother always put herself first. perhaps because she was so young.

Kristin: and you didn’t have a father either. that must have been hard for a boy.

Robert: I had other role male role models. My grandfather, my teachers, my professors in college.

Role models, that is not who a father is primarily. You never had a father who adored you, who tucked you in at night. Someone who held your hand, someone who you could curl up next to and feel safe, someone who told you wonderful stories about dragons and knights. Someone who saw themselves in you and felt delight.  Who was your hero? Who could teach you to be a man? What kind of hole does that leave inside of a boy?

One day she would ask him this but not today. Too early, too sensitive, too personal.

Kristin: my mother gave me too much responsibility at a too young age. I wish someone had taken care of me until I was at least 13.

Robert: I hear you!

Kristin: but I’m very enduring and I know how to take care of myself and everybody else too for that matter.

Robert: yeah kids like us are usually good at that. but it can be a trap.

Kristin: how do you mean?

Robert: well we tend to put others first and maybe even sacrifice ourselves. i knew in my marriage i sacrificed a lot of my career and in the end the marriage was a trap.

Hu, I know what he means.

Kristin: I know what you mean. I used to be as sweet as sugar because I thought if I was someone would take care of me.

Robert: I know that feeling!

He is like me! He understands me! She shuddered, suddenly cold.

Kristin: When I talk to you it feels like someone injects cold water under my skin.

Robert: what a perfect analogy.

Kristin: well thank you professor.

Robert: yes you’re clearly my star student.

Robert: are you nervous for Friday? When I’m nervous I try to think about what the possible outcomes might be.

Kristin: well i wonder if this is just a hot air balloon that will pop into nothing.

Robert: another perfect analogy.

Kristin: the other possibility is that I will fall madly in love with you.

Robert: I guess we just have to see.

After they had logged off, she washed up, took a sleeping pill and went into a heavy dreamless sleep.

 

Thursday! Thursday! Thursday! Thursday! The day before Friday. The day before she would see Robert again. The day before!  She had slept the sleep of an exhausted person on a sleeping pill. Motionless and quiet to about five in the morning. After that, not so much. But she had gotten a good seven hours sleep and she could feel the difference in her body.

And with a mind full of anticipation and happiness the morning routine pranced by pleasantly. When she came home she took a long hot shower. Scrubbed every inch of her body, shaved and put on lotion. Tomorrow she wouldn’t have time to do such an elaborate grooming. Tomorrow is Friday! Friday! Friday!

The grocery shopping went by as easy as the morning had and when she went to pick up Jack at pre-school one of the mothers even commented on how radiant she looked. She just smiled.

She probably thinks I am pregnant. She should only know.

After Jacks three pieces of pasta lunch (too much snack at preschool again), he asked if he could watch some TV and Kristin said eagerly yes.

Turned on the computer as soon as he was settled, restlessly she tapped the keyboard while it booted. One new email from Robert.

Good morning Kristin,

Realized you need directions, it is not very complicated. Take the train to station A, get on subway 1 to Avenue E. Walk two blocks east on 80^th Street. I live in the grey building on the corner of 80^th Street and Avenue G. If you can’t find your way, call my cell phone. The number is on the bottom of my card that I gave you when we first met. Tell the doorman that you are seeing Robert in 10 B.

Can’t wait until tomorrow!

Robert

She started to write a new email when he came online.

Robert: hi there

Kristin: hi, i was just reading the directions. i think i can find my way.

Robert: good! but just in case, you do have my cell?

Kristin: yes i do. i will put in your number now and then i will text you.

Robert: oh great!

Her fingers were not cooperating when she put in the number in her contacts and then wrote a short text message. He wrote back instantaneously.

Kristin: it worked!

Robert: yes!

Kristin: just don’t randomly text me if I haven’t written to you.

Robert: if you don’t want me to I won’t.

Kristin: thanks!

She got very uncomfortable all of a sudden. This, what they were doing got a bit soiled all at once. 

La, la, la, la don’t think about that! La, la, la, la.

Robert: Do you ever feel misplaced where you live?

Kristin: Oh, yes sometimes I feel like I am from another planet.

Robert: Right?

Kristin: I feel like people here have no idea how the world really works. They seem disconnected from nature and each other.

Robert: Yes I know what you mean. I guess when you grow up the way we did with nature right outside your door you are bound to feel connected to the world in a different way than people that grow up in the suburbs.

Kristin: Yes, I try to instill that in my children but it is hard here. We try to be outside a lot and we have a garden. We even go and climb trees.

Robert: you climb trees? That is good!

Kristin: Yeah we do!  I think it gives them a sense that we don’t need TV or cellphones or other modern things to have a good life.

Robert: I agree! The modern world is detached from what it used to be stitched together by.

Kristin: Yes! And a lot of people here seem to be helpless or at least not self-sufficient. And no common sense what so ever.

Robert: I know that you mean, my students are coddled and lazy.

Kristin: Well I guess if your life is too easy you tend to end up like that.

Robert: Yes and you don’t appreciate anything.

Kristin: lol we sound like some kind of rebellious, luddite propaganda group.  

Robert: ha!

Robert: I am going to a lecture tonight so I won’t be able to talk to you but text me or call me tomorrow when you are on your way.

Kristin: ok will do.

Robert: do you eat scrambled eggs?

Kristin: yes

Robert: good then I will make you some tomorrow when you arrive if you are hungry.

 

 

 

 

 

 14.

                           “If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older.”

Tom Stoppard

“Kristin!” Her mother had her head out the kitchen window. “Dinner time!”

Everybody in the whole area was out tonight. Probably 25 kids involved in a big exciting hide and seek game. Someone had come up with a new variation; instead of counting someone kicked a football as far as possible and then you could free everybody by kicking the same ball again. Karen, Kristin’s best friend was there and they had been running around for hours.

“Dinner time!” her mother yelled again.

Kristin grabbed Karen’s hand.

“Come!” she said and they ran into the building. The shadowy stairwell was a wall of darkness after the bright evening sun. They had to feel their way up to the apartment.

When they came into the apartment she could smell hotdogs.

“Mom, can Karen stay for dinner?” She called out.

“Sure,” her mother said happily from the kitchen.

Kristin ate four hot dogs with buns and lots of ketchup. Karen eat three, she never seemed to be as hungry as Kristin.

“More etchup,” Emma said and pointed to her plate.

Jonas ate two then he left to watch TV.

Her mother had her hair in rollers; she was going to a party later. Underneath the robe she was wearing a light green dress with big pink flowers and she had been sitting with her feet on the coffee table last night painting her toenails neon pink.

As soon as they were done, they left.

“Be back before its dark. I’m leaving later!” Her mother called after them.

When they found the other ones again, the game had moved to the woods. No problem for either of them since every kid in town knew the woods by heart. If you didn’t there was something wrong with you or you were different beyond reconciliation.   By now the soles of Kristin’s feet were hard and brown and she could run and climb everywhere. Her shoes stood in the hallway waiting for school to start.

The two girls sprinted away when the ball was kicked. Kristin didn’t see where Karen went but she found a good hiding spot behind and kind of under two big rocks. She pressed in her body and laid still. Only just breathing, not moving a muscle but with her eyes wide open.

“Here I come!” the boy screamed after he had found the ball and placed it at the right spot.

She heard a few groans and complaints when someone was found. And she heard the rustling of the searcher’s feet. Closer, closer, closer!  Now she saw the dark blue sneakers with white stripes. But still she didn’t move or hardly breathe.

You can’t see me, you can’t see me. Look the other way! Look the other way.

The feet stopped, stood still for a moment then turned and walked away again.

Soon they started to call for her.

“Kristin! Where are you?”

“Kristin! You can come out now.”

“Kristin!”

But she kept lying completely still.

I can lie here all night if I have to. You will never find me! I never give up!

But then she heard Karen’s voice.

“Kristin, I have to go home now. Can you come out?”

She turned her body slightly and saw the blue sky up above. It had started to turn lighter, almost white, which meant that the sun was about to set. She sighed and crawled out from her hiding spot.

“Here I am.”

Karen stood almost alone under the trees; most other kids had gone home already. She had her hand on her hip and looked annoyed.

“Come on! We have to go home. I don’t have any lights on my bike.”

 

After Karen had gone home and mommy had left, she sat in front of the TV. Her mother had bought a can of Cherry Coke for her and she had popped popcorn. For some reason she wasn’t sure of, it was always hard to go to bed when no one was home. Strangely enough it felt more secure with a bunch of drunken grownups in the apartment than being all alone. She would stay up as long as she could muster. Keep a watchful eye. Make sure nothing happened until mommy came back.

 

 

 

                                                15.

They ripple tensely, they can hardly contain their happiness

That we have come

They bow shyly as wet swans. They love each other.

There is no loneliness like theirs.

James Wright

 

She was so nervous on the subway she couldn’t sit down. She turned up the iPod until the music bounced off her eardrums. But the thoughts kept popping around in her head. Bouncing into each other in a rapid speed.

What if he is a serial killer? Maybe he will rape me, kill me, chop me up into little pieces and feed me to the cat? Or maybe put me in the freezer or dump me in the river.  No one knows where I am. But at least he is known, he is a professor. But no one knows where I am. What if someone sees me, what am I supposed to say then?

She looked around, no one she knew.

I won’t have sex! That is too much, I won’t have sex. Maybe he will rape me, what will I do then? But he seems so nice. What if I fall in love, what will I do then? Maybe I am in love already? Can you be in love after one meeting? I hope he won’t kill me!

50^th street, 60^th street, 76^th street and then it was time to get off. She had memorized the directions in her head. The neighborhood was nice. One of her favorite classes in College had been architectural history and walking here was a flashback to those days. The streets were bordered with Beaux-Arts, Neo-Gothic and New Renaissance buildings, and actually a bit hilly. Kristin missed hills; she had never felt completely at ease in the flat landscape where she now lived. If she hadn’t been so nervous she could have walked here for hours, maybe another time.

The doorman opened the door for her and let her into a magnificent marble foyer with Tiffany style stained glass windows and gold doors. She felt like exactly like the poor country girl she was when she was little.

Don’t stare, act normal. Smile, don’t stare!

 She smiled at the doorman and said exactly what Robert had told her to say.

“I am here to see Robert in 10 B.”

The doorman rang up to the apartment.

Fancy!

Not even two minutes passed but it felt like an eternity before the doorman finally showed her the way to the elevator. By now she was close to lightheaded from anticipation and nerves. The elevator was the old fashioned kind made of wood and with wrought iron doors.  She looked over at the doorman; he was younger than her. Maybe in his mid-twenties; he stared straight ahead as the rickety elevator moved upwards.

“Is the elevator as old as the building?” she asked.

At first it seemed like he wouldn’t answer but then he broke out in a friendly, warm smile.

“Yes, but they changed the wiring.”

Kristin laughed.

“That is comforting,” she said and the doorman laughed too.

 

She stepped out into the hallway, and what a hallway, a crooked narrow maze. The first door she saw was 10 E. Confused she looked around; then she heard a door open and his voice calling out for her.

“This way!”

She walked towards the voice and found her way.

He stood with the door cracked waiting for her. She could barely look at his face; she was so nervous. He was dressed in a hooded sweatshirt and jeans. No socks she noticed.

“Come in.”

He opened the door wider and she stepped in.

“Should I give you a hug?” she asked as she put her bag down on the floor.

“Of course,” he said.

A quick hug, she didn’t even notice his smell. She took off her jacket and had to stand on her tiptoes to reach on the hooks on the closet door.

“This place is clearly made for someone that is tall.”

He chuckled a little. 

His apartment was exactly how she had imagined and when she walked into the bedroom/living room it felt like she had been there a thousand times before.  The place was habitual to her. Not only the wood floors; the same feeling as walking in her grandfather’s house. But also the white walls and the heavy dark wood furniture that reminded her of her grandfather’s living room. The bookcases were filled to the brim with books, and a hyacinth in a vase on a small table.

I could live here. This could be my place.

A small calico cat came out from underneath the blue sofa.

“This is Keats,” Robert said and picked up the cat. The cat started to purr loudly in his arms.

“Hi cat,” she said and petted its head. She saw the naked paw and the strange serrated wound. As usual when she saw a wound on someone else she shivered and got a little nauseous, not because it made her sick to her stomach but because she could feel the pain in her body. 

The electricity between them was tangible; it was even hard to breathe straight. And she didn’t dare to meet his eyes. If she did she would probably jump all over him.  All she wanted was to go straight up to him and put her arms around him, bury her face against his neck. But she didn’t dare to; she was after all the one that was married and maybe he didn’t feel it the way she did.

 

 They made some small talk about the apartment (they agreed that since the layout was not a normal apartment layout it probably used to be the maids quarters.), the paintings, the books (she could have stood in front of his bookcases all day long, she dragged her finger along the backs of the books, touched it the way you touch a treasure) and his life.

They moved effortlessly around each other, the way you do with someone you have known your whole life. Water in a creek gliding over the rocks with no resistance. The hunter and the dog; no words necessary for understanding. A wolf pack on hunt; each individual has its own role but they all cooperate without effort. Naturalness perfected!

 She could feel how she slowly relaxed and with the relaxation came the hunger. The one apple and two strawberries for her nervous breakfast were clearly wearing off.

“What about those eggs you promised?” she asked.

“Sure,” he said and got up from the sofa. She walked after him out in the tiny kitchen and sat down on the windowsill. Watched him as he cracked the eggs, melted butter in the pan and made scrambled eggs. It felt as  natural as if they had done this a million times. She might as well have been at her brother’s or her grandpa’s house.

When did someone cook for me last? I can’t remember. He is cooking for me!

While he cleaned up she walked back out into the other room. Keats was lying on the bed. A ball of multicolored fur. She didn’t hesitate as she lay down on the bed and started to talk to the cat. There was no doubt in her mind that this was ok to do. When Robert came out with their plates he affectionately patted her feet that were sticking out over the edge of the bed. The touch was familiar and satisfying.

The eggs were good, perfectly cooked and with just enough milk to make them creamy. After they had finished eating she could feel the tension in the air. Stronger than before, a thickness in between them. You could cut it with a knife and it would bleed red hot.

“So,” she said, trying to ease the tension. “What should we do now? Do you have any pictures?”

He tilted his head to the side and looked at her with narrow eyes again.

“I do have pictures,” he moved a little closer to her on the sofa, “but I would like to try something first”

And he reached over, cupped her face with one hand and kissed her. The whole outside world ceased to exist at that moment. And he nibbled on her lip, exactly the way she loved. And he tasted so good!  She heard herself whimper in a way she hadn’t heard in a long time. This kiss went straight down to her groin. And tentacles shot out into her whole body and made it tingle.

Closer! She wanted to get closer to him so she climbed on top of him and straddled him. He kissed her neck, her collarbones, all the places she loved. After a long, long, long moment of intense kissing she was dizzy and warm and wet. She couldn’t remember when someone had kissed her  this way. Had someone ever kissed her like this?

 

She took several deep breaths and put her head on his shoulder.

“Are you ok?” he asked.

“Yes, you just made me dizzy.”

She gave him a kiss on his neck.

“I just need to calm down a bit.”

She curled up in his arms; of course she fit there perfectly.  She twirled his chest hair that was sticking out of his sweater. They were even breathing in the same rhythm. Slowly and peacefully. The urge to cry overcame her but she was able to hold it back. This was all she ever had looked for. This harmony and ease. Almost too good to be true.

For a long time they sat completely quiet.

“Why doesn’t this feel wrong?

“Because it is right,” he said.

She sniggered.

“Is it that simply?”

“Sure,” he said, “I have learned not to constantly ask why and enjoy the moment.”

“I wish I could do that.”

“You will,” he said certainly, “It comes with age.”

She laughed.

“So what about those pictures?”

 

She sat close to him and looked at pictures from his cottage in Maine. The reddish beige cliffs, ragged against the ocean. Pine trees and spruces, tall, reaching towards the clear blue sky. And the water, clear, cold and wild. He told her how the fog comes rolling in from the sea and can encapsulate everything, making it hard to see and even hear clearly. She did not let go of him the whole time. A hand on his chest and another around his neck.

How can this feel so good? Why don’t I feel guilty? Why do I feel like I am home?

“It makes me sad that I can’t go for more than ten days this year. I don’t like the City in the heat. But I have to finish this book I am writing.”

“Well,” she said, “maybe I can help.”

He squeezed her hand.

“I was hoping you would say that.”

As soon as they were done with the pictures he grabbed hold of her again. The intensity from before doubled. His hands were squeezing every part of her body. Hard, close to painful but perfectly enjoyable and very arousing.

“Are you examining me?” she said amused.

“Yes! You seem to have all the important parts”

Then his hands were down inside of her jeans and he grabbed hold of her butt.

I could do this all day! This is soo good!

 The arousal crooned in her body. Filled it with hot honey. Her fingers prickled, her arms, her stomach, her pelvis. And her breasts started to ache, strangely close to the same sensation as when her children had latched on as babies. This was primal!

He is a big bear devouring me!

She had to pull back again, this was too intense, she was about to lose herself.

“You know what, I am kind of hungry,” she said and stood up.

“You are a glutton!”

“This whole situation has made me lose weight and then I get hungry. But I am always kind of hungry.”

“Me too! Another thing in common I guess.”

He stood up and led her to the kitchen.

“I have crab legs. Do you like crab?”

She hesitated.

“Depends on what part. I don’t like the green brown goo in the middle of the crab.”

“Of course not!” he sounded appalled, “who likes that?”

“My mother.”

“But that tastes like the bottom of the sea.”

“I know, it is disgusting but she slurps it up.”

He opened the refrigerator; brought out a package with long thorny crab legs.  Cracked them open, squeezed some lemon on top and gave her a piece.

“Wow! Soo good!”

The tender white meat; sweet and salty at the same time. She took more until she realized he wasn’t eating as fast as she was.

“Here,” she said and put a piece in his mouth. “I’m eating all your crab.”

They stood by the counter feeding each other. She stood as close as she could, felt his body next to hers.

I don’t want to go home! Can I just stay here forever with this man, at this moment? Let this never ever end.

 

The rest of the day was spent in his big bed; talking, touching and exploring, eating each other. Her body was made to lie next to his. Her hip fit together with his, her leg swung over his, her toes reached his. Caressed them and he caressed back.

No one has ever done that!

She got up on her elbow and looked down at him.

“Where were you when I was 25?”

“I guess I was teaching then and married.”

She stroked his chest, his shoulders, his neck.

He is beautiful.

“I should have stolen you.”

 “I would have been easily stolen then.”

 

Back on the subway and she stunk. Stunk of him, and bodies pressed together for hours and hands that hand been rubbing her body. And his mouth on her neck and on her breasts. The thought of a shower came to her but she realized that she didn’t want to shower. To shower him away from her body would make what they had into something dirty and wrong. And to her it was pure and right and wonderful.

On the train she texted him.

 Thank you for a wonderful day. I haven’t been this at ease in a very long time.

He wrote back instantly

That makes me very happy to hear.

She bent her face to her shoulder and breathed in the smell of him. Deep, aromatic, strongly intimate. 

Perhaps I should come more often, maybe once a week. If you want me that often?

He answered right away.

 Of course I do!

When she stepped off the train she noticed that the Japanese cherry trees that lined Main Street were blooming. White pink puffs of beauty. Something had happened to her this day. All the tension inside of her was gone. Robert’s touch had made her muscles relax but something more important had happened.

She felt alive and tender, touched in a way that had never happened before.  There were parts of her soul that had been hibernating for a long time; today they had come out of their shelter. Stretched their stiff legs, turned their faces to the sun and yawned. Awake again after a long hard winter.

 

 

16.

 

“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.”

Plato

 

Kristin rushed up the stairs, two steps at the time. She was going to pick up Emma and Jonas at Mrs. Henke’s but she had to pee first. Desperate bladder exploding pee.

She put the key into the keyhole and turned it but she only locked the door. Her mom must be home. Why was she home? Was she sick? The answer stood in the middle of the hallway. Two big black boots. Her daddy’s shoes!

Kristin’s heart split in two. One part was dancing, skipping and jumping with joy. The other half dried and crumbled up into black little pieces of anxiety.

Her mom was sitting by the kitchen table dressed in her baby blue robe. Her red hair was messy, her cheeks flushed and she smiled that puppy smile she always had when daddy was back.

“Daddy is back?” Kristin asked even though she knew the answer.

Her mother rubbed the ashes of the cigarette and put down the half smoked one on the end of the ashtray.

“Yes, he’s sleeping. Don’t wake him up!” her mother said but there wasn’t much power behind her voice.

Kristin shook her head and ran across the living room to her parents’ bedroom. As carefullyl as she could muster she opened the door. The blinds were down and the room smelled of something that Kristin wasn’t entirely sure of.

He was sleeping on his stomach with the blanket up to his waist. Her daddy! She tiptoed over to the bed and crawled in. She curled up next to him and put her nose on his shoulder. She took a deep breath. He smelled so good! Her daddy!

The longing and the thirst inside of her lessened. She put her arm across his back and her head next to his. And she fell asleep.

Jonas was angry as usual when daddy came home. Emma screamed her lungs out when daddy tried to hug her. Kristin wouldn’t leave his side.

“Did you miss me, little girl?” he asked and picked her up and sat her in his lap.

“Yes daddy,” she said and put her arms around his neck and leaned her cheek against his flannel shirt. Right above his heart. She knew something no one else knew; that his heart and her heart were beating at the same speed and rhythm. Because they were the same.

 

Kristin moved closer and closer to the kitchen, she desperately wanted to hear what they were talking about. Jonas and Emma were lost in the TV show but what was going on in the kitchen was far more interesting to Kristin.

“I don’t understand! Why do you take him back?”

Her mother’s best friend, Mary, sounded confused, even close to angry.

“Because I love him,” her mother said softly.

“Linda! He is no good for you!”

“I know,” her mother sighed, “but I still love him and he is a wonderful father.”

Kristin slid off the couch and moved silently so she could sit just outside the door.

“A wonderful father?” Mary’s voice had turned the corner into pure anger, “He drinks! He fights! He leaves! Doesn’t sound like a wonderful father to me!”

She could hear how her mother got up from her chair and moved over to the counter. A few moments later the percolator started to make its distinctive sound. Putt, putt, putt.

“He loves his children” her mother’s voice was filled with tenderness, “he can’t help that he’s haunted by demons.”

Mary laughed and sighed in one sound.

“Oh, Linda, I wish you wouldn’t take be so naïve.”

Her mother huffed, a sound filled with discontent.

“Everybody only sees his bad sides,” now her mother’s voice started to get angry, “everybody except me!”

The two women sat quietly for a long time. Her mother got up again and poured the coffee and soon the cigarette smoke mixed with smell of the coffee reached Kristin . Mary would probably stay awhile.

“I wish” her mother started gently, “I wish I didn’t take him back. I know he is no good for me.” Her voice faltered for a moment, “But when he is not here, I feel hollow. I’m always relieved at first when he leaves but after a few days.” Her mother stopped short. “And when he comes back,” she laughed ruefully, “then everything is right again.”

Then the two women were quiet again until her mother jumped up from her chair.

“I really have to put the kids to bed,” she said, alarmed.

“I can wait,” Mary said.

Kristin moved over to the couch again and pretended to watch Scooby Doo. Emma was lying down with her thumb in her mouth, almost asleep.

“Ok, bedtime,” her mother said and picked up Emma from the floor.

“I don’t want to,” Emma whined tiredly. Her mother paid no attention to the little girl.

“You two, “she said and pointed to Jonas and Kristin “brush your teeth and wash up.”

 

Emma was already sleeping when Kristin was done in the bathroom. Her mother stood in the hallway.

“Could you read to Jonas tonight?” she asked and caressed Kristin’s hair.

Annoyed, she looked down at the floor.

“I promise I will read tomorrow,” her mother said.

Kristin nodded but didn’t look at her.

As soon as Jonas was asleep she left the bedroom and snuck back to her spot by the kitchen door.

“When he touches me, when he kisses me,” her mother let out a deep sigh, “nothing else exists!”

Mary snickered and this made her mother laugh.

“You know other men are good in bed too?”

Now the two women laughed again. Kristin was not sure what they were talking about, but what she heard in their voices made her excited.

“I know that,” her mother said, “but this is different. I mean sex can be good with almost anyone. As long as he knows what he’s doing.”

This made Mary laugh out loud.

“But when Jimmy touches me my whole body aches, and my soul and,” her mother’s voice faded again, “I can’t explain it!”

“You are too soft, Linda, too romantic. Too loving!” Mary’s voice was not resentful, only filled with compassion.

“I know,” her mother said, “but as long as I can be with him it’s worth it.”

Her mother got up again and poured some more coffee.

“You know he sees other women?” Mary asked carefully.

At first, her mother said nothing.

“I know,” she said eventually,” he needs it, he is a Leo after all”

Mary sniggered again.

“Oh yeah, that is clear! He likes to be in the middle of all that female attention just like a male lion.”

“He needs the hunt,” her mother said, “he likes the thrill,” she sighed deeply. “He needs his freedom. I can’t tie him to me, and trust me I have tried. Every time I try, he runs”

“With his tail between his legs!” Mary said coldly.