Chapter 7 and 8

                                        7.

“The truth is rarely pure and never simple”

Oscar Wilde

 

When the children woke, she made breakfast, watched them eat, got them dressed for church. When John woke up she took a quick shower, braided her still wet hair and pulled on some slacks and a blouse.

“You look tired, honey,” John said when they sat in the car on their way to church.

“Hmm,” she said, “I didn’t sleep well”

“Maybe you a need a nap, we can always go to the playground.”

She nodded and looked out the car window. The forsythia was blooming now, lining the highway with clouds of yellow.

If you gave her a million dollars she wouldn’t be able to repeat what the sermon was about. She sat and stared at Jesus up on the cross, absentmindedly telling the children to be quiet.

He will never talk to me again.

They went home, had lunch and then John took the kids to the park. He promised to stay out for three hours. Normally, three hours was something she would cherish and use to the maximum. Three child free hours equals six hours in a non-parent person’s life. In three hours she could clean the whole house, do four loads of laundry, write emails, take a long shower and perhaps even have time to read some.

She tried to nap but it didn’t work so she tried to clean but she kept staring out the window the whole time and eventually she ended up at the computer anyway.

An email was waiting for her.

Good night Kristin,

I had a really good time talking to you tonight! I can’t wait to have lunch with you again.

I don’t know if you have read any of James Wright’s poems. He is one of my favorites, and I have a feeling you would like him too. He writes beautifully and simple, somehow the same way life can be back home by the lake.

Of course your father called you little wolf. You have a very feral presence about you and your eyes are the eyes of someone that knows the wild.

Hope you can catch some sleep. I will go to bed and try not to think of you.

Robert

She read the email again and again, savoring the words.

He will never talk to me again!

Then he was online! She was about to log off but before she had a chance he wrote to her.

Robert: Hi Kristin

She took a deep breath and sighed.

Kristin: hi, how are you?

Robert: I am ok, I didn’t sleep well. How about you?

Kristin: I didn’t sleep well either.

Robert: hmm, I don’t sleep well, you don’t sleep well. Is this a good sign or a bad sign?

Kristin: I am not sure

Robert: I think it is a good sign. It means that we have touched something in each other, and for me that doesn’t happen often.

Fuck! He will never talk to me again!

Kristin: I wrote you a letter today.

Fuck why did I say that?

Robert: A letter? A real letter? I love letters!

Kristin: Yes a real letter. In an envelope.

Robert: Do you need my address?

Kristin: No, I found it online.

Robert: Clever girl!

Kristin: don’t need to be too clever when you are the only one with that name in the whole City.

Robert: lol. A letter! I am really looking forward to it. I haven’t gotten a letter in a long time.

Fuck!

Kristin: well this letter is not of the most pleasant kind.

Robert: What? Is this some kind of game? I don’t understand

Kristin: No, no game. I just wanted you to have some time to digest what I wrote and a letter is more personal than an email.

He didn’t write anything for three minutes. She barely could breathe, her throat was so tight.

Robert: if this letter is a potential deal breaker, then I don’t think it is fair of you to keep it from me.

Kristin:  I know!

Robert:  Did you write it on the computer?

Kristin: yes

Robert: send it to me!

And just like when she was a child she decided to do the painful thing quickly. Pull of the band aid fast. Drink the horrid milk before dinner. Hit before someone hits first.

Kristin:  ok will email it now.

She jumped off the chair and walked into the bathroom and brushed her teeth so hard she tasted blood in her mouth. Then she counted to 300. Then she rearranged the shampoo bottles on edge of the bathtub.

She walked slowly back to the computer and peeked at the screen. She had one new email and he was still online.

I am disappointed but what I feel for your is real and I would still like to see you. I will never regret getting to know you. But you have to stop lying to me as of this present moment.

Tears flooded her eyes and she sniffled. Relief washed over her. She sat down and wrote to him.

Kristin: I will never ever lie again

Robert: you are a mother?

Kristin: yes

Robert: I like that! How old are your children?

Kristin: They are six and three. Aren’t you mad?

Robert: Nope

Kristin: why not? I lied to you.

Robert: Life is complicated

Kristin: horrible

Robert: never ever lie to me again!

Kristin: I promise!

Robert: finding our heart’s desire is never easy.

Kristin: I know. You know that you are scaring me to death.

Robert: well you scare me too.

Kristin: I scare you?

Robert: yes, how you make me feel.

Kristin: aha, the feelings I evoke. Not me.

Robert: Ha!  Is there a difference? The feelings we create in another person is either a good thing or a bad thing.

Kristin: I am not sure what this is yet.

Robert: well to let you know I would never compromise your situation. I can be very discreet.

All of a sudden she yawned; the tension from the last day left her body.  

He is still here!

Kristin: I would love to talk to you right now but I am terribly tired. I think I need a nap. Can we chat tonight?

Robert: Sure, around 8 again.

Kristin: yes!

She went to the bed again and crashed; slept until the kids came running in screaming.

“Mommy! Where are you?”

She was so groggy and disoriented she couldn’t get out of bed. Anna and Jack crawled into bed and lay on top of her. Their bodies smelled of fresh air and happiness. Both of them talked a hundred miles an hour about the playground and a dog they met and how daddy stopped at the cupcake place and they had been allowed to pick whatever cupcake they wanted. Anna had picked a chocolate one with white frosting. Jack was quiet, he looked unhappy.

“I wanted the one with pink frosting but daddy said I couldn’t.”

Kristin got tense all over.

“What did daddy say?”

“He said that Jack couldn’t have the pink frosting because it’s for girls,” Anna said and slid out of bed again.

Kristin sighed and sat up. She took the little boy in her arms.

“You can have whatever cupcake you want. Pink is a very nice color and not only for girls.”

Jack put his little head under her chin and his hand on her collarbone.

“I like you mommy 102.”

“I like you too 102.”

To Jack 102 was more than he could comprehend.

“Mommy, come out and play soccer with me,” Anna called from downstairs.

“Yes, sweetheart. I will be right there.”

She picked up Jack in her arms and carried him downstairs. He clung to her body.

“I’m your monkey baby, mommy.”

“Yes, you sure are.”

John was watching TV.

“Pink is not only for girls!” she said and dumped Jack in his lap. “I am going out to play soccer with Anna.”

 

At 7:45 she was by the computer and he was already online.

Kristin: Hi Robert

Robert: Hi! Did you get a nap?

Kristin: yes I did but I still feel tired.

Robert: thank you for telling me the truth before.

Kristin: thank you for still talking to me!

Robert: J So what do you do except for taking care of you children?

Kristin: At the moment I am not doing anything. as I told you I have major in history but I never worked with anything that has to do with history.

Robert: How come?

Kristin: I think after college I was so tired of school and a bit confused.

Robert: I know that feeling!

Kristin: So I did a little of this and a little of that for a while

Robert: Like what?

Kristin: I worked as a waitress, in a store, as a home aide for elderly people.

Robert: It must have been fascinating to be a home aide.

Kristin: Except for the poop and the sicknesses. Yes, you hear a lot of stories. History in person kind of.

Robert: Maybe I should try that.

Kristin: Lol! Yeah that would have been something.

Robert: I reread your letter and I must say you are a very good writer.

Kristin: Thank you professor!

Robert: Maybe you should try to write, as a profession I mean.

Kristin: I don’t know, perhaps.

Robert: You could always give it a try. You know you can either write or you can’t. And I believe that you can.

She blushed, happy he couldn’t see her sheepish smile.

Kristin: Thank you!

John walked up the stairs but he passed the guestroom and went into their room instead. Her ears strained to hear if he would come in but after a little while he walked downstairs again. She relaxed.

Kristin: so you are older and should then be wiser. What should we do with this thing that is going on with us?

Robert: my life is easy! Yours is complicated so it’s up to you.

Kristin: but if you could decide?

Robert: Then I would like to see you again.

Kristin: I think I can do that! When do you teach?

I think I just crossed a line!!!

Robert: Mondays and Wednesdays.

Kristin: perhaps next Friday then?

Robert: yes! That would work great for me.

Kristin: I have to ask the grandparents first if they can pick up the kids.

Robert: Ok, no problem. I will keep the day open.

Kristin: ok good. I will let you know! I have to do some mommy things now.

Robert: get a good night’s sleep too!

Kristin: I will try! Good night!

She made sure she was logged out, turned off the computer and walked downstairs. Made a cheese sandwich for Anna. Cut up some apples, put them into a container and packed her lunch box. Then she made sure everything was ready for the next day. Checked the school schedule; nothing special to bring tomorrow.

Went to the bathroom, used the special anti-aging soap, the special serum and the anti-aging cream. Still wrinkles! Said good night to John and went to bed.

 

 

                                                                        8.

“It's summertime and the living is easy
Fish are jumping and the cotton is high
your daddy's rich and your mama's good-looking
Hush, little baby don't you cry
don't cry, don't cry, don't cry
no no no no
don't cry, don't cry”

                                                                                    Sam Cooke

 

Mommy was back! One afternoon she had come walking down the road to the farm. No bag, pale, tired and worn-out. She had held them tight for a long time; kissed their cheeks and caressed the hair out of their faces. She smelled strange, almost like she was sick. But they were happy she was back. Held her hand, patted her body and clung to her leg.

For two days she didn’t do anything but sleep and eat. Grandpa kept them outside most of the time so the house lay quiet in the summer afternoon. When Kristin tiptoed in to go to the bathroom she heard her mother sobbingly throw up. And late at night she heard the two of them, grandpa and mommy, talking quietly in the kitchen.

But now her mother stood in the kitchen; singing along to the radio, making sandwiches and smelling of suntan lotion.  The early summer morning was comfortably warm and Kristin sat on the porch with the dogs, watching Emma picking up little pebbles to put in her pail.

Grandpa and Jonas were already down by the lake, getting the boat ready. They were going out for the whole day.

“Ok, sweetheart,” her mother said through the screen door, “if you take Emma I will carry the cooler with the lunch.”

They walked behind the house and down the crooked trail. The lake was a pane of dark glass, everything reflected perfectly as in a mirror. The pine trees, the rounded cliffs and the violet blue sky.

Kristin sat by the boat’s side with her hand in the frothy water as they drove away from mainland. Emma sat in mommy’s lap and Jonas sat in the front with the two dogs. The dogs held their heads high, sniffing the air, able to detect the scent of prey sifting from the islands as they passed. Sometimes they would yelp out of excitement if they picked up an especially delicious trace.

The island was small; one side was smooth rounded rock sloping down to the water and the other side was straight cliffs cutting into the lake.

“Stay on this side!”  Both grandpa and mommy said.

Kristin swam with Jonas, held him under hi belly as he practiced. When she was seven she already was a good swimmer but Jonas was always scared. Scared of everything! Emma and mommy sat on the miniature pebbly beach. Emma was wearing her yellow sunhat and she was pouring water over mommy’s feet. Grandpa stood on the outermost tip of the island with his fishing pole. The dogs laid in the shade under a tree.

“Lunch time!”

Kristin and Jonas rushed out of the water. Mommy had opened the cooler.

“Egg sandwich or cheese?”

“Egg.” Kristin took the wrapped sandwich in her hand and walked back to the water, put her feet in  and opened the sandwich. Eggs, and mayonnaise and chives.  Jonas came and sat down next to her with a cheese sandwich in his hand. They threw in small crumbs and watched the yellow perch coming out from the shady deeper water to catch them.

“When is daddy coming home?” Jonas asked quietly.

Kristin shrugged.

“I don’t know.”

“I hope he won’t,” Jonas said.

Shocked Kristin looked over at him.

“What?”

“I don’t like when he is home. I like it much better like this, with mommy and grandpa.”

She got angry in an instant.

“You are so stupid!” She knocked his sandwich out of his hand.

“My sandwich!” Jonas stood up and screamed. “It is sinking!”

Kristin started to laugh.

“It is not funny!” Jonas pushed her in the side.

“What is going on?” Mommy couldn’t see down here but she could hear.

“Kristin threw my sandwich in the water.” Jonas started to climb up to mommy.

“No, I didn’t!”  Kristin protested.

“Don’t lie Kristin!” Grandpa had that stern voice he almost never used.

“I didn’t throw it in the water!”

“Yes, she did!”

Kristin looked down on the ground.

“I’m sorry!” she mumbled.

There was a strange taut feeling inside of her, stretching from her stomach all the way up into her eyes.

They are all stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! No one understands me!