Chapter 45-46

                                                                           45.

“You’ll stay with me?”

“Until the very end,” said James.

“They won’t be able to see you?” asked Harry.

“We are part of you,” said Sirius, invisible to anyone else.”

J.K.Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

 

When she came back to town it was lunch time, she was hungrier than she had been for a long time so she walked into the diner and sat down. Looked through the menu and ordered two eggs with bacon and waffles. The diner was full of people, some she thought she recognized from her school days; she relished the accent and the subject matter. Listened to farmers discuss cows and timber. Old women and men discussing the weather. Mothers discussing colds and play dates.

The eggs were crispy brown on the edges and dripping with butter. The bacon salty and the waffles fluffy and sweet. She ate slowly and read the local newspaper.

“Kristin?”

She lifted her head from the paper, the woman in front of her smiled broadly and Kristin frantically searched her mind.

“Oh hi how are you?” she said and smiled.

Who are you? Who are you? Oh, you look so familiar.

“I’m good! How are you? What are you doing back?”

Kristin smiled even bigger, trying to hide her brain’s furious struggle.

“I’m just visiting my mom and Jonas.”

She is Heidi’s friend! She was the maid of honor. Name? Name? Johanna!

“Oh, isn’t little Albert the cutest?”

Kristin relaxed.

“Yes, he is! Good to see you Johanna.” Kristin got up from the table and walked towards the counter to pay.

“Good to see you too Kristin.”

She walked outside with a smile on her face; it was good to be home. Good all the way into her soul. She stood still on Main Street for a moment, look down the street and then up. Things were still the same, nothing much had changed since she was small, this was still her town and peculiarly enough even though she had experienced such heartache here she still loved it. Loved the small stores, the simple people, the accent, the tidy gardens, and the fact that everybody knew everybody.

Outside the graveyard a big apple tree was blooming, she reached up and picked three branches covered in pink and white blossom. Then she opened the black iron gate in the stone wall. She walked down the path until she stood by her father’s and Emma’s graves. 

 She put the apple blossom branches on the ground in front of the gravestones. The small round stones from the creek she placed next to branches. The white one for Emma and the brown for daddy.

Then she lay down; her face close to his gravestone and her hand on Emma’s tiny white one. The ground was still cold under her body. The spring sun hadn’t had a chance to warm it yet.

“I miss you,” she whispered, “both of you.”

She started with Emma.

“Emma, sweet angel baby sister. You would have been 30 this year. Maybe you would have had children of your own. Sometimes it feels like I don’t really remember you anymore and sometimes I can recall every little detail of you. And I see you in my children. In their touch and the way they lay next to me at night. I wish you hadn’t had to die. And I miss you sweet angel baby sister”

She had to wipe the tears from her eyes.

“Daddy, I miss you. Every day! I have missed you my whole life. We had so little time together when I was little. And the time we had was always clouded by your demons. But I always loved you. Always!”

She rubbed her eyes again and tried to steady her whisper.

“I met a man, daddy. I thought he was the one. He touched me in a way no one had ever done. Both my body and my soul. He made me feel like I belonged. He made me dream of a future with him. I let him into my heart, my life and my body. And then he left, daddy. He left me and now he won’t even talk to me. And I am so confused. I wish you were here, daddy. Maybe you could make some sense of what happened. Sometimes I think I love him and sometimes it feels like I want to vomit because I miss him so. And sometimes it all feels like a dream, like he never even existed. But I know that he did. And sometimes I am so mad and I hate him. And I don’t know what to do with myself. Oh, daddy, I wish you were still here.”

Then she grew quiet. She laid on the ground; listened to the birds in the trees, felt the steady ground under her body and traced her father’s name on his gravestone.

When she came back to her mother’s house she called home again, she got the answering machine and she left a message filled with kisses for the kids. She sat down on the couch; saw the two brown photo albums on the bottom shelf. The only two with pictures from her childhood. She got down on the floor and put the first one in her lap and opened. For a long time after Emma’s death the albums had been hidden somewhere and when they finally came out again Kristin didn’t have any interest in looking in them.

The first few pages were filled with baby pictures of her. She was a tiny baby lying on the bed and her father lay with his head close to her smiling. She was sleeping on her side in her mother’s old crib. She was a little bigger sitting on grandpa’s lap. She was maybe six months old and her whole face was covered in carrots. She was taking a bath in the sink, chubby and grinning.  Then there was a gap of a few months and on the next picture she was holding on to her mother’s hands walking on the sidewalk outside their apartment building. And then she turned one and her face was covered in cream from a cake. And then nothing until spring the next year and she was almost two.

What happened for over eight months? Did they give me up for eight months?

Her throat got tight, hard to breathe, she turned the pages and after three of them Jonas showed up. She was a girl with skinny legs and her hair in pig tails and he was a tiny little red faced baby. She met the little girl’s eyes, a sadness lingered in them, a “I have seen too much, experienced too much for my few years” sadness.

 She touched the picture, caressed the little girls cheek, her small arms. Her stomach started to churn, her breath became shallow and then she cried. Leaning over the photo album she cried. Cried for the little girl she once was, cried for all the broken dreams, all the shattered innocence and all the pain.  

 

                                                                        46.

“The essential things in life are seen not

 with the eyes but with the heart”

Antoine do St. Expery

When she had stopped crying she couldn’t stay in the house anymore, her mother was going to be home in two hours and Kristin had to get some distance. She had left a note on the kitchen table and walked out to the rental car and started to drive without any real destination. Then she realized that she had unintentionally or out of instinct ended up on the road to Karen’s house.

Around the bend and she saw the house crouched down behind the hill and the mighty maple trees. If you came the other way you would pass by it without even knowing it was there. When it was built, a hundred or so years ago, there hadn’t even been a road here. Only woods and fields.

She parked on the side of the road, the only thing she heard when she stepped out was the wind in the trees and the blackbird singing. The apple trees were blooming and the lawn was covered in English Daisies. Only Karen’s car was home, she looked down at her watch, if she was lucky the kids weren’t home yet. She walked up what was left of the stepping stones to the house and knocked on the door. She heard movement in the house and it didn’t take more than 15 seconds before Karen opened.

“What?” Karen exclaimed when she saw her. “When did you come up?”

Then she took a step out on the path and hugged Kristin. She took a deep breath . Karen still smelled vanilla and sweetbread.

“I came yesterday.”

They stepped into the house. She smelled the fire burning in the stove and fresh coffee. The hallway was neat as usual; you couldn’t tell that three kids lived here from the age of seven to twelve. All the clothes and all the shoes were hidden in the closet.

“I was just going to have a cup, before the kids come home. Do you want one?”

“Sure.”

She sat down by the kitchen table.

“Do you want a roll too?”

“Yes, please.”

Nothing ever changed here. The rituals were always the same, the days passed in a different pace, no one ever rushed anywhere.

“You didn’t bring the kids or are they with your mom?”

Kristin shook her head.

“No, I came alone this time.”

Karen poured coffee in the cups and brought over the plate with rolls. When she sat down Kristin blurted out.

“I cheated.”

“What?” First Karen stared then she started to laugh. “I’m glad it wasn’t me first”

Kristin started to laugh too.

“Tell me what happened.”

Kristin retold the whole story about the museum, and the emails, and the kinship/soulmate feeling and when they met and the kissing and then the whole crash and burn end.

Karen sat quietly for a couple of minutes.

“And now he won’t even talk to you?”

Kristin took a sip of her coffee.

“No.”

“Hmm” Karen sounded very discontented “What a prick! Acting just like a teenager.” She still looked so much as she always had done. The round cheeks, the big brown eyes and the dark hair, long and wavy.

“I have tried to understand what actually happened. I have gone over those last days in my head a million times. Sometimes I understand what happened and then sometimes I feel completely lost.”

Kristin took a roll from the plate. As usual, impeccably shaped and perfectly baked.

“You know what, it doesn’t matter what happened. If he doesn’t want all of you then he doesn’t deserve you.”

Karen put down her cup on the table so hard some coffee spilled, a black stain against the light wood.  

“I know,” she heard the anger in her own voice, “but it still sucks.”

Karen nodded thoughtfully.

“You know I have done that too.  Fallen in love too much and too soon. It seems to freak men out.”

“But we are grownups and I am married.  I can’t play games!”

Now it was Karen’s turn to say; I know.

“It is so strange I feel like…” she got quiet for a moment and looked out the window. “I feel like there is a string attached between us. A thread of red yarn from my body to his.”

Karen smirked and shook her head.

“Are you saying you love him?”

Kristin shrugged.

“I’m not sure but sometimes my whole inside hurt when I think of him.”

She got annoyed at herself; this feeling was pointless, made no difference.

“How can I be so stupid that I miss someone that so clearly doesn’t want me? I mean he won’t even talk to me.”

Karen took a mouthful of coffee and was quiet for a moment. The radio played gently in the background; Kristin thought she recognized the host from a long time ago, high school even. When they were kids some people called Karen a gypsy because of her dark hair and brown eyes, everybody around them was blue eyed and 99 % of the children were blonde and if they weren’t blonde they had red hair.

“I am not saying that this is true but maybe he doesn’t want to see you because he doesn’t want to be in love with you.”

Kristin looked at her skeptically.

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe he is protecting himself. It is not very wise to fall in love with a married woman. You know, it might leave you heartbroken.”

Kristin couldn’t help but laugh.  

“Or maybe he is just a fucking asshole.”

“Yes, perhaps, but a very sophisticated one then.”

“The worst kind!”

Then both of them laughed.

“Oh, Kristin,” Karen said and put her hand over her friends. “I wish you lived closer by.”

“Me too!”

“We should go out tonight.” Karen’s voice changed tone. “It is Friday after all! We could have some drinks, maybe even dance.”

“Yeah! That sounds good.”

I don’t even remember when I went out last, probably four years ago.

Karen got a curious and mischievous look on her face.  

“But I have to ask you. How was the sex? Was it like the best ever?”

Kristin laughed and shook her head.

“It was good.”

“That all you have to say? Come on! Give me some details.”

“Ok,” she said with a smile, “he is the best kisser I have ever had. It’s like he knew exactly how to kiss me.”

Her cheeks started to get hot. And of course Karen saw it.

“Aha!” she said and laughed.

“Well, he was very good at, you know, going down on me.”

Karen put out her hands.

“Of course he is! He probably has practiced for 35 years or even more.”

Kristin shook her head and laughed again. The laughter numbed the pain.

When the school bus stopped outside the house she left and drove home to her mother’s, cheerful and excited.

 In the bag on the passenger seat was a hot pink top she had borrowed from Karen. They were going to meet at Murphy’s at seven, have dinner and drinks and then see what they were up for. She turned up the radio and sang along to the music.

 

Chapter 43-44

                                                                        43.

"When you run into someone who is disagreeable to others, you may be sure he is uncomfortable with himself; the amount of pain we inflict upon others is directly proportional to the amount we feel within us."

                                                                                                Sydney J. Harris

At seven she had called home; she had heard the stress in John’s voice and how the kids were talking very loud in background. “I want to talk to mommy” Jack screamed and John had tried to make him get dressed first. Jack had started howling and Kristin urged John to give the phone to him. As soon as Jack got the phone he sounded as happy as can be and talked about how he was going to bring his stuffed dog to pre-school for “show and tell”. Anna on the other hand, still mad at her for not being allowed to come, refused to talk to her.

As her mother got ready for work and then left, Kristin ate breakfast slowly, read the paper, took another piece of toast and then another. Spread on her mother’s homemade strawberry jam in thick layers and washed it down with two cups of coffee. Then she decided to walk out to see Jonas on the farm.

She walked through town, passed the church and Main Street, and then she crossed the bridge and she was out of town. When she was a child the three miles out to the farm had been like going to the other side of the world but now the farm showed up faster than she remembered. Jonas had cleared some of the old pine trees around the farm and you could clearly see it from the road. When Jonas was old enough to take over and the tenants lease was up, he moved in. In the beginning he was alone and worked two or three jobs to be able to keep the farm. Then he met Heidi, seven years older than him, married with a three month old daughter and she left everything for him. Two years later they were married, and she was pregnant again. Now they had profiled themselves as one of the first and few organic farmers in the area. Their farm stand was widely popular and renowned.

The cows had been released from the barn for the spring and grazed the green pasture. Two of them started to jump and run. Still the joy of being free for the summer was left in their bodies.

When she came closer to the farm the dogs came running. They started to bark loudly and ran around her in circles. Anyone who didn’t know them would be terrified but Kristin crouched down and let them lick her face.

“Hi Freya,” she said and petted the bigger one.

“Hi Hedda.”  The smaller one tried to climb up on her lap. She was an exact copy of her great-grandmother Esther. 

She heard the door open and her brother stepped out on the porch.

“Kristin?” His voice was filled with disbelief.

She got up and the dogs ran to Jonas.

“Hi brother.”

They stood and looked at each other for a while.

I should come here more often.  

“When did you come? Did you come alone?” He stepped down on the gravel and she walked right into his arms. His hug reminded her of grandpa and her father at the same time. Her shoulders fell down and she leaned her forehead against his chest.

“Has something happened?” Ever since he became old enough, tall enough, strong enough he had been her protector even though she had four years on him.

She let go and looked up at him, her father’s blue eyes and her mother’s curly hair, a shade darker but still red.

“Let’s go inside.”

The house was warm, the hallway cramped with kid’s clothes and kid’s shoes and a couple of toys. Jonas walked out in the kitchen and she followed.

“You want some coffee?” Not as much a question as a statement.

“Sure, where is Heidi?”

She couldn’t see her sister-in-law anywhere.

“She is upstairs nursing Albert. He loves that mama milk.”

“They all do,” she said and sat down by the table. Watched her brother move around in the kitchen, put on the coffee, get some cups from the cabinet. Now this house was his as much as grandpa’s.

“How are Holly and James?”

Jonas put the cups on the table together with the milk and a plate with cookies.

“They are good! Holly likes second grade and James seem to enjoy Kindergarten. How are Anna and Jack?”

“They are good.” They looked at each other over the table; she could tell that Jonas was waiting for her to tell him why she was here. He lifted his head and looked at the ceiling.

“I think Heidi is done.”

The ceiling creaked and then the stairs squeaked and Heidi came into the kitchen. She stopped dead in the doorway, her dark blonde hair was a mess and her big blue eyes flew open.

“What? Kristin? When? Why didn’t you tell me?” Heidi pointed a finger at Jonas. He shook his head.

“I didn’t know, she just showed up.”

Heidi looked over at Kristin to confirm the story and Kristin nodded.

They sat around the table, Kristin and Jonas drank coffee and Heidi drank her fourth glass of milk. They had made a little small talk but she could tell that Jonas was still waiting for her to say why she was there.

“I feel in love with another man.” She looked down at the table when she said it but then she lifted her head and looked at both of them. Both stared back at her, no one said anything for a moment. Then Heidi started to smile.

“Wow! Did you cheat?”

Kristin nodded.

“Sis!” Jonas said seriously at first but then he started to laugh.

“What happened?” Heidi asked curiously.

“Well, I met him at a museum and we got this strange strong connection at once.”

Heidi looked excited and amused.

“And then we saw each other twice and then I freaked out and put some pressure on him and he freaked out and won’t even talk to me anymore”

“What?” Jonas looked perplexed, “What do you mean?”

“I got this feeling that I was not the only one maybe,” she had to think about it, “and I felt so close to him that I got that feeling. You know…” she looked over at Jonas, “the feeling we used to get right before dad was about to leave.”

He nodded and she could see the little boy he once was within his eyes.

“I don’t know if he would disappear, but I got so scared he would because I felt so close to him. And when I asked for a little reassurance that, you know,  he wouldn’t just leave. Well then he vanished.”

“Vanished?” Now it was Heidi’s turn to look confused.

“He won’t answer when I call, he won’t answer my texts and he won’t answer my emails”

Jonas stood up suddenly, his cheeks got red and he narrowed his eyes.

“What a fucking asshole! Do you want me to come with you and talk to him?”

She knew he was serious but she had to smile.

“Well it’s kind of hard to get hold of him since he lives in a building with a doorman.”

“Oh, is he rich?” Heidi asked with interest.

“A bit I guess.”

Jonas still looked pissed off.

“But I could wait outside his building a whole day,” he said and grounded his teeth.

“I know, brother, I know. Thank you but I don’t think it will go over too well.”

“I could bring Brian.”

Now both Kristin and Heidi laughed. Brian, Jonas’ best friend; 6 feet 6 inches and 220 pounds with a lot of experience breaking noses.

“I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

“Ok.” Jonas sat down again; he took a cookie and shoved the whole thing in his mouth.

“What does he do?” Heidi asked.

“He is a history professor and writes scholarly books”

First, both of them looked bewildered and dumbfounded, and then they started to laugh.

“Of course sis!”

They laughed so hard that she started to laugh too.

“How old is he?” Heidi snorted.

“He’s 52.”

Both of them started to laugh even harder. Jonas and Heidi, Heidi and Jonas, she didn’t know two more compatible people. If they ever argued, both of them started to laugh midway through the argument.

“But sis, if you are going to cheat I though you would do it with a hot 30 year old and not some old college professor.”

Kristin shook her head and rolled her eyes.

“You two clearly don’t understand.”

But she wasn’t angry; it actually felt nice to laugh at the whole fucking mess. After some more coffee Jonas needed to tend to the farm and Albert woke up so Heidi started to nurse again. Kristin decided to go out in the woods.

She walked behind the house, down the crooked trail. She still knew every bend, every root, and every rock. Each step brought her a sense of calm. Her feet pounding the same ground as she did as a child, her mother did as a child and her grandmother did all those years ago. The birds were chirping loudly, fearlessly, happily high up in the trees. Spring is here, spring is here, spring is here.

The river was filled with fresh clear water from the spring rains and from snow that had melted. The gravelly bottom; a beige gold treasure glistening in the sun. She took off her shoes and her socks and rolled up her jeans. The water was numbingly cold and shot shock waves of pain up her legs. But the joy in the streaming water pushing against her legs and the round pebbles under her feet were worth the pain. The pain was soothing, physical pain instead of emotional pain. She picked up a white stone, round as a tiny bird egg; it fit perfectly in the cup of her palm. Next to it was a small dark brown stone, the same color as her father’s hair; she picked this one up too and placed both in her pocket.

She walked for a few minutes and then she stopped. The maple tree was still there, hanging heavily over the water. Perhaps a little greyer, a little bit older looking but still there. She climbed up the riverside and walked up to the beginning of the big branch. Stroked the uneven, rough bark with her hand; it tickled her palm in a sensory satisfying way. 

“Hello, brother tree.”

She climbed out on the branch and lay down. Her feet almost touched the water now but she still felt completely safe lying there. She took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly, put her head down and relaxed. Listened to the river purling and the wind caressing the almost bare branches of the deciduous. And let this moment fill her with rest from fretting thoughts.

                                                                 44.

 

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. .”

                                                               Alphonse Marie Louis de Prat de Lamartine

“Her sister drowned.”

“Her daddy is gone.”

“Her grandpa died.”

“Poor girl! Look at her!”

First day of school for Kristin, three weeks later than the others. She had begged to go back before but her mother had refused until now. But today they were back at school and mommy was back at work, finally. Kristin had hated to watch her mother walk around in her robe all day crying, she had almost wished she was back at Mrs. Henke.

The days were still summer warm but the nights had started to get cooler. Fall was not far away, some of the smaller trees had started to turn yellow and in the morning she had to wear a sweater.  But in the afternoon the sun was still warm enough to walk in her t-shirt.

Last year at this time, grandpa, daddy and Kristin had gone Canadian goose hunting. Early in the morning, when the sun had started to show and smoke rose from the lake they stepped into the boat. The silence was never-ending. Kristin had sat close to daddy in the front of the boat, spooked by the stillness and the upcoming hunt.

Grandpa and daddy were different than usual. Serious, quiet and focused. They chewed tobacco and didn’t say much. When the guns went off Kristin covered her ears and closed her eyes. She didn’t want to look at the dead geese. She couldn’t stand the instant transformation in the animals. One second alive and the next nothing but a limp nonentity covered in ruffled feathers.

Everything was different this year. Everything! She walked slowly down the hallway, tried to not hear what the others were saying. Tried to not see how they looked at her. Tried to pretend it didn’t bother her.

At lunch time she fled, didn’t even bring her bag. Ran out in the clear September day, ran down the street. Ran away from all those eyes, all those words.

The library was quiet. Smelled of old paper and books, and as always she felt instantly soothed.  The light came in through the big windows and made the dust in the air sparkle like little stars of gold. She walked across the wood floor, making no sound with her sneakers. No one was here now, everybody was in school. She searched through the shelves until she found “Alice in Wonderland”. She took out the book, looked at the cover, and touched it tenderly.

Then she went over to the one and only couch they had in the library. Took off her shoes, sat down cross legged and started to read. Not until she was sure everybody had gone home from school did she put down the book and leave.

Jonas was already home, laying on the floor with his cars.

“Did you eat something?” she asked.

He shook his head.

The cabinet was starting to get empty but there was some bread left and some sugar. In the fridge she found some butter and applesauce. She took a big blob of butter and melted it in the pan, and then fried the bread and put sugar on top.

Jonas sat by the kitchen table talking about something. She didn’t really listen; she was so hungry she couldn’t pay attention. She put two slices of bread on a plate and some applesauce on top and set it in front of Jonas. She took the last three slices herself and sat down.

“Do you have any homework?”

Jonas nodded.

“What is it?”

He blushed and looked down at the table.

“Math,” he said quietly.

She knew Jonas hated math; no matter how much anyone helped him and explained it he just didn’t get it.

“Give it to me and I will do it.”

He lifted his head and smiled at her.

Second grade math was easy; it only took her 15 minutes to do it. Then she did her own homework. If things were like they should be, if things were like they used to be she would have left the house now. Gone over to Karen’s or to the playground, but today she didn’t feel like it.

She lay on the floor with Jonas and played with his cars until mommy came home.

“Is daddy coming back?”

Her mother didn’t meet her eyes, only shook her head.

“I don’t know.”

And Emma is not. Grandpa is not. They are gone, gone, gone!

She didn’t say anything. Took the notion and pushed it deep into her stomach, far away from her heart. Pushed, buried it, and covered it up. Until it turned impregnable, diamond hard, heavy.  Until she didn’t feel a thing.  Then she stood up, looked at her mother. She seemed distant now, the color of the wallpaper bleached and the voices from the TV muffled.

“Ok,” she said and went into the bedroom. Laid down on the mattress, decided that she would never let herself be close to anyone again, because losing them was too hard. She closed her eyes, and fell soundly asleep.

But she was only a little girl, a child of barely 12 years and of course she didn’t have true understanding of how a human soul functions or what a human soul needs. She did what was wisest at that moment; she did what she had to do to survive. A soul can only take so much pain, and so much loss. And as you know by now she had more in only a few child years than could fit into a normal life time.

But sometimes what we do to survive is merely life support and not a full, true life. And one day, it might take 10 or 20 or even 30 years, someone shows up with the key, a blowtorch or a soft hand and cracks the diamond hard protective shell. Perhaps it is a friend, perhaps a lover or it might be a child.

Because what she didn’t know, is that every soul needs true belonging, pure closeness and warm tenderness.

What will happen when the starving soul is set free?  Let me tell you this; if a soul likes the taste of all this it is impossible to rein her back in. She will only want more!

And she won’t be a beggar child pleading with her hungry, enormous eyes.

She will be a wolf sensing the deer in the wind. The mouth waters and she will hunt that deer down until she can sink her teeth in the warm meat, over and over again. The mouth full of hot bubbling blood.

 

Chapter 35-36

                                                                    35.

“Swift as a deer. Quiet as a shadow. Fear cuts deeper than swords.
Quick as a snake. Calm as still water. Fear cuts deeper than swords.
Strong as a bear. Fierce as a wolverine. Fear cuts deeper than swords.”

            Arya Stark

 

One of the last days of April; flowering fruit trees, proud tulips in red, yellow, orange and pink and a bright blue sky. She sat in the shadow under the trees, her eyes locked on the entrance across the street. She had been sitting there for almost three hours, waiting patiently for him to come out.

The sparrows were now here friends; they ate crumbs out of her hand. The trees and the wind kept her company. Ten dogs had walked by, lifted their legs and peed on the corner of the wall she was sitting on. She had said hello to twelve kids and five old ladies.

 Just like a cross Atlantic flight, real time didn’t exist. She wasn’t hungry, she wasn’t bored, she simply waited.  She knew that the weather and the sunny skies would eventually pull him out of his apartment. He wouldn’t be able to resist.

She had tried to envision what would happen; she had come up with two possible scenarios:

Scenario 1: the pumped up on Pink and The Runaways scenario.

She ran across the street and stopped right in front of him. Narrowed her eyes and glared at him.

 “What are you doing here?” he asked and took a step backwards.

 “I would like to cut off your dick and feed it to the cat” she said coldly, “but I will settle for talking to you.”

He looked around, raised his shoulders nervously.

“You are crazy, leave me alone.”

“No,” she said and smiled, “I am not crazy. I am angry. Men often mistake women’s anger for craziness.”

Her heart was pounding so fiercely now that it started to be hard to focus and hear. But the sight of his uneasiness calmed her down; she realized she was in control.  Someone came out of the entrance and he had to say hello, the person looked at them so she smiled sweetly.

“I have plans,” he said and tried to pass her. She put her hand on his chest and stopped him.

“Cancel them or I will come with you and I am sure the person you are seeing would love to know who I am.”

He pulled his hand through his hair, and for a moment she remembered how soft it had been under her fingers and how sweet he had tasted.  She had to close her eyes and search for her inner wolf, when she opened her eyes again, the tenderness was gone.

“I will call the police,” he said and actually sounded scared, he reached for the phone in his pocket.

She laughed now.

“And what will you tell them? That a 5’7” woman who weighs 120 pounds and that you fucked is now trying to talk to you on the street? I am sure they will run to your side.”

The hand left the pocket and he leaned backwards on his heels.

“I won’t talk to you,” he said as he turned around and headed back towards his building.

Anger flooded her body and she took three quick steps up to him and grabbed his shoulder.

“Yes you will!” she said as she turned him around. She started to push him slightly on the chest. “You are a fucking asshole. Do you think that you can just waltz into someone’s life and take what you want?”  

He grabbed hold of her hand.

“Don’t push me Kristin.”

“No?” she said and pulled her hand out of his grip and pushed him again. “You are nothing but a hot air balloon filled with fancy words. When it comes down to the real thing you are a wuss.”  

She wished that she could growl for real as she stood there staring at him. He shook his head and smirked. He smirked!

“How dare you smirk? I have never met anyone as full of shit as you are. You are not a lion! You are nothing but a spoiled housecat. You are afraid of going outside in the real world.”

“I won’t talk to you!” he said again.

She pushed him hard on the chest.

“Ah fuck you!” she said and turned around and left.

 

Scenario 2: “we are grownups and can talk to each other” scenario.

She ran across the street and stopped right in front of him. He almost walked straight into her but stopped at the last second.

“Kristin!” His voice was surprised and a little shrill. “What are you doing here?”

He looked around and behind her until he finally stopped at her face.

“I want to talk to you.”

He took two steps backwards.

“No,” he said, “I won’t talk to you.”

“Yes you will. Your choice; either I yell at you here on the street or we go back to your apartment and talk.”

He shook his head and looked very uncomfortable. She leaned a little closer.

“Don’t think I will hesitate to yell.”

He looked at his watch, pulled his hand through his hair and then he met her eyes. His pupils slightly dilated.

“Ok, you can come up for a moment.”

 He walked in front of her up the stairs and in the door again,  the doorman was the same as the last time she was here.

“Hi George,” she said and Robert flinched, this made her smile.

They each stood in a corner of the elevator. Not looking at each other, staring straight ahead. So different than last time.

The familiarity of his apartment was overwhelming. How could she feel so at home here and now she wasn’t welcome anymore? She opened her jacket but didn’t take off her shoes; she walked down the hallway into the living room. His bed with the white bedspread, a black hole about to pull her in. They stood several feet away from each other, he had his glance on the wall behind her and she stared at his chest.

 “Ok,” he said, “What do you want?”

“Well, I would like to talk to you because I am not sure what really happened.”

He leaned against the wall.

 “I know I scared you somehow.”

She looked down at the floor, hoping he would say something. Anything!

“I am no good at casual relationships,” she hesitated, “I panicked!”

“I could tell. I wasn’t ready for the intensity of your feelings.”

Was the man she had fallen in love still there somewhere? She looked at him, stared into his eyes. She tried to reach into him, find the person she thought she knew.

“I had stopped believing in true love or belonging or that someone would get me. But you made me believe.”

Don’t cry! Kristin, don’t cry!

“And now you won’t even talk to me.”

And here came the tears.

Fuck!

She wiped her face and tried to stop the tears, stared down at the floor until she was calmer.

“There were others too, right?”

She lifted her head again and looked at him. He nodded without saying anything. She nodded to confirm to herself something she already knew.

“Well,” she said, “it was good anyway, those few moments we had.”

“Yes,” his voice warmer now, closer the voice she felt was his. His face not a hard mask of distance. But he didn’t say anything more. She waited for another moment but he stayed quiet.

“Ok, I think I will leave now.”

He moved so she could walk by him without having to touch him. She stopped in the doorway and looked at him.

“Bye Robert.”

“Bye Kristin.”

 She hoped that he would take the few steps in between them and grab hold of her and kiss her passionately. And whisper in her ear that he loved her and couldn’t stay away from her anymore. She would push him down into the blue sofa, rip her clothes off and have her way with him. And she would bite him, and claw him and leave a line of blue hickeys all over his neck. To show that this man is taken!

She wasn’t sure which one she wanted to happen the most. Her pelvis voted loudly for number two, but her heart and soul were not that easily convinced.  But what really happened she hadn’t imagined.

At 1:34 the door opened and he stepped out onto the sidewalk. Quickly she jumped down on the street and walked across. She stopped in front of him and he froze in his track, at first he simply stared at her, surprised.

“Kristin? What a coincidence.”

She smiled slightly

“This is no coincidence. I have been waiting for you for three hours.”

“You have?”

“Yes, since you won’t answer when I call or email, that is not cool. And I want to talk to you.”

“I’m going somewhere.”

Of course you are.

“Will you be long?”

“One of my friends is sick so I will be gone the whole evening.”

Of course you are.

“Are you walking there?”

“No, I’m going on the subway.”

Strange! The subway is the other way.

“I will walk you to the subway then.”

All the things she had wanted to say. All the things she had planned left her mind. And she got the strongest urge to protect her tender heart. He didn’t not deserve to hear how she had suffered and longed for him. What she really wanted was to hear what he had to say about all this.

“So Robert, what happened?” she asked.

“You freaked out.”

He didn’t look at her; he kept his eyes on the ground. And she realized that the last month had meant nothing to him. Nothing at all! Or was it pure shock at being asked to answer something. Something unplanned. To actually have to act responsible for someone else and not just hide in his Ivory Tower. His Ivory Tower built of elaborate words and detachment.

“Yes, because I fell in love with you.”

“You can’t fall in love when you have seen someone only a few times.”

“You can’t?”

He shook his head.

“Your feelings are too intense.”

“Well, you said some pretty intense things before I said them to you and you even thanked me for making you feel intensely again.”

“But,” his voice was bothered, “when you say that you are willing to risk your marriage for me. That is too intense!”

She felt amazingly calm.

“If you cheat, you put your marriage at risk.”

They had come to an intersection and they stopped.

“But I didn’t sign up for that.”

“I didn’t know that you singed a contract when you were dealing with people.”

“That is just an expression.” He sounded annoyed, which was thrilling. “You can’t do this.” He started to sound angry. “You can’t ambush me like this.”

They stood still for a moment looking at each other. She couldn’t help to stare at the grey wonderful chest hair that was peeking out over the shirt.

This is really pointless! We will just bounce words off each other. He will never tell me the truth.

“So where are you going now?” she asked.

“Oh,” he said, slightly confused, “the subway.”

She just had to put a little pressure on him.

“I will ride with you.”

“No, you won’t.”

Did she detect a sense of panic in his voice?

“Ok,” she said and turned around and left.

 After a minute she started to laugh. Not hysterically, just joyful.

I did it! I actually stood outside his building and waited and then I talked to him. I didn’t let him dictate everything.

Now the hunger came so she stopped at the fruit stand and bought some nectarines. It felt good to walk after three hours of sitting still. The sun was out and it truly was a very beautiful day.

She strolled down the avenue with a big smile on her face. Then she turned a corner and thought she would walk by the water instead. When she was halfway down the block she stopped short. He was straight in front of her, by the big monument, doing that circle walk people do that are waiting for someone. Craning their neck, turning their head first one way then the other.

First she was thinking about going up to him and saying,

“I thought you were going on the subway.”

But then she couldn’t be bothered. She walked by pretending not to see him. She wasn’t sure if he saw her.

Ha! I was right! I didn’t mean anything! He replaced me in less than ten days.

She was pretty sure he was going to see another woman.

As she walked down the street she got filled up with the strongest urge to go home, to be with her children, to see her husband, to leave all this behind her.

 

 

                                                                        36.

 

“He no longer dreamed of storms, nor of women,

nor of great occurrences, nor of great fish, nor fights, nor contests of strength, nor of his wife.

 He only dreamed of places now and of the lions on the beach.”

Ernest Hemingway, The Old Man and the Sea

 

 The rain had been pounding the house for three days straight. Grandpa’s vegetables in the garden lay on the ground, slimy and limp. They had all started to get restless, especially Kristin. She walked up and down the stairs, loudly, banging her feet on the steps.

I want daddy back!

I want Emma back!

I want daddy back!

I want Emma back!

I want daddy back!

 “Kristin,” grandpa called out, “can you please try to walk a little softer?”

She stopped in the middle of the stairs, stood still for a moment, then jumped down the last seven steps and landed on the floor with a loud crack. She slipped and hit her head. Grandpa came running out of the living room, where he and Jonas were playing Monopoly. She sat up and glared at him as he came to a stop in front of her.

“What happened?” He sat down next to her. “Are you hurt?”

She shook her head and stood up.

“I’m fine.” She walked away from him and into the kitchen. The dogs were lying under the kitchen table. “Can I take the dogs out?” she yelled. As soon the dogs heard the word out they came crawling from underneath the table, wagging their tails and licking her hands.

“Sure,” grandpa called back, “take your rain jacket and boots.”

She pulled on her yellow rain jacket and boots and opened the door. The dogs rushed out, but stopped when they felt the rain, one of them tried to sneak back in.

“Don’t be a sissy!” she said and slammed the door in the dog’s face. The dog looked up at her with pleading eyes but she ignored it and walked down on the wet grass.

The ground was soft after all the rain; the lawn was full of small rills and it squished around her feet. She found a stick under the big maple and started to throw it so the dogs could run and catch it. After a little while the stick was slimy and almost chewed to nothing.

“Come here,” she called out and the smaller of the two dogs came up to her, the bigger one stood and stared at her, disregarding her completely. “Come here!” she raised her voice. The dog wouldn’t move, he even narrowed his eyes as he looked at her. “Well you can stay home then.” She turned her back to the dog and started to walk towards the woods. She thought the smaller of them would come after her but nothing happened, and then she heard a shriek, ear splitting and full of pain.

The bigger of the dogs had attacked the smaller one and was now biting it everywhere. The little one was shrieking, whimpering, yelping.

“No!” Kristin yelled, “No! Stop!”

But the bigger dog wouldn’t stop; he bit the little one with a raised lip and a deep growl. Hopped backwards and then attacked again. The little one curled up on the ground, its ears pinned to its head and its tail wagging anxiously.

“No!” Kristin ran up to the bigger dog and tried to grab it and pull it away. The dog snarled at he, she fell landing  on her back on the grass. “Grandpa! Grandpa! Grandpa!” She yelled as loud as she could.

The door flew open and grandpa came out in his socks. He hesitated for a short moment then he grabbed the broom on the porch and ran up to the dogs.

“Moses! Stop!” Grandpa’s voice was cold as steel. The dog didn’t stop; grandpa lifted the broom and hit the big dog on the back. “Moses! Stop!” The big dog turned his attention towards grandpa and growled. Grandpa lifted the broom again. “Kristin, see if you can pick up Esther and bring her in the house.”

She was so scared it was hard to move. Slowly, slowly she walked up to the little dog. Moses growled from somewhere deep in his stomach. When Kristin picked up Esther, the little dog whimpered. She walked backwards to the house, watching grandpa and Moses. “Kristin, put Esther in her bed and bring my shotgun and the shells. Hurry up!”

She turned around and stumbled into the house, put the small dog in her bed and walked back out in the hallway. Took the key from behind the mirror and opened grandpa’s gun cabinet. Took the shotgun, had no time to look at the engraving of the flying ducks, grabbed the box of shells and slammed the door behind her.

Moses and grandpa stood exactly the way she had left them. She walked carefully up to grandpa and handed over the shotgun.

“Take Jonas and go into the bathroom. Cover your ears!”

She backed away, saw how grandpa cocked the shotgun and loaded it with two shells. Ran the two last yards into the house. Jonas stood inside the door and looked scared.

“What’s happening?”

She grabbed his hand and started to pull him towards the bathroom.

“Grandpa said we should go into the bathroom and cover our ears.”

The bathroom only had one window facing the back of the house; Kristin turned on the light and covered her ears. Jonas did the same and then they waited.

After a few minutes grandpa came into the bathroom. He was sopping wet and looked tired.

“I’m going out to the woods for a while. Cover Esther with a blanket and put the oven on 175. We can heat the leftover pancakes for dinner.”

Kristin nodded and grandpa left again.

The small dog licked her hand when she covered her with a blanket. Kristin got nauseous when she saw the bite marks on its ears; she had to swallow hard a few times. She turned on the oven and put in the plate with the pancakes, set the table and then she and Jonas stood by the window and looked for grandpa.

After about 30 minutes, he came out from the woods with a shovel in his hand. He put the shovel against the barn wall and rinsed his hands under the hose.

After dinner grandpa washed Esther’s wounds and fed her a few pieces of pancake. Then he sat down heavily in his chair and stared at the wall. The two children knew better than to bother him. Kristin helped Jonas get ready for bed and she read him a story. When she came down to the living room again to say good night to grandpa, he wasn’t there. He stood in the bathroom brushing his teeth. She stood in the doorway and looked at him.

“Good night grandpa. I’m going to bed now.”

He spit out the toothpaste and put his hand on her head. Caressed her hair.

“Me too, I’m really tired,” he said and sighed deeply, “maybe we should go to the library tomorrow.”

“Yes, that would be good. I need a new book to read.”

“Good, good night then. See you tomorrow!”

 Sometime during the night the rain stopped and when she woke up the sun was shining from a forget-me-not blue sky. She ran downstairs; she wanted to go outside in the sun, maybe have breakfast on the porch. Downstairs was quiet; she looked in the kitchen, no grandpa there. She looked in the living room. She opened the door and looked on the porch. Stood bewildered with the door open. Ran across the yard, opened the barn door, totally empty. Had grandpa gone down to the horses without them? She looked down at her watch, a quarter to eight. She hadn’t over slept!

Walked back to the house, grandpa’s shoes stood inside the door.

“Grandpa!” she called quietly. No answer!

Could he still be sleeping? She tiptoed to his bedroom door, it was never closed, always open if they needed anything.

“Grandpa!” she said and put her head in the door.

Saw him lying on his side with his face the other way.

“Grandpa,” she whispered now.

He didn’t move or say anything. Slowly she walked around the bed and looked at him. He was sleeping deeply.

“Grandpa,” she whispered.

Nothing happened. She reached out her hand and poked him on the shoulder. He didn’t react. She stood still, looking at the old man, feeling utterly confused.

“Grandpa,” she said a little louder this time.

She clapped her hands and snapped her fingers. Nothing happened. The realization seeped into her body and she sank to her knees. Crawled out of the bedroom and closed the door.

She heard Jonas walking down the stairs and he stopped in front of her.

“Call mommy!” she said. “Call mommy!”

“Why?” he asked and rubbed his eyes.

“Call mommy!” she yelled at him. He ran to the phone and dialed the number.

Kristin didn’t know what to do, her whole body was hurting and her stomach was churning. Then she ran across the hallway to the bathroom and threw up.