Chapter 43-44

                                                                        43.

"When you run into someone who is disagreeable to others, you may be sure he is uncomfortable with himself; the amount of pain we inflict upon others is directly proportional to the amount we feel within us."

                                                                                                Sydney J. Harris

At seven she had called home; she had heard the stress in John’s voice and how the kids were talking very loud in background. “I want to talk to mommy” Jack screamed and John had tried to make him get dressed first. Jack had started howling and Kristin urged John to give the phone to him. As soon as Jack got the phone he sounded as happy as can be and talked about how he was going to bring his stuffed dog to pre-school for “show and tell”. Anna on the other hand, still mad at her for not being allowed to come, refused to talk to her.

As her mother got ready for work and then left, Kristin ate breakfast slowly, read the paper, took another piece of toast and then another. Spread on her mother’s homemade strawberry jam in thick layers and washed it down with two cups of coffee. Then she decided to walk out to see Jonas on the farm.

She walked through town, passed the church and Main Street, and then she crossed the bridge and she was out of town. When she was a child the three miles out to the farm had been like going to the other side of the world but now the farm showed up faster than she remembered. Jonas had cleared some of the old pine trees around the farm and you could clearly see it from the road. When Jonas was old enough to take over and the tenants lease was up, he moved in. In the beginning he was alone and worked two or three jobs to be able to keep the farm. Then he met Heidi, seven years older than him, married with a three month old daughter and she left everything for him. Two years later they were married, and she was pregnant again. Now they had profiled themselves as one of the first and few organic farmers in the area. Their farm stand was widely popular and renowned.

The cows had been released from the barn for the spring and grazed the green pasture. Two of them started to jump and run. Still the joy of being free for the summer was left in their bodies.

When she came closer to the farm the dogs came running. They started to bark loudly and ran around her in circles. Anyone who didn’t know them would be terrified but Kristin crouched down and let them lick her face.

“Hi Freya,” she said and petted the bigger one.

“Hi Hedda.”  The smaller one tried to climb up on her lap. She was an exact copy of her great-grandmother Esther. 

She heard the door open and her brother stepped out on the porch.

“Kristin?” His voice was filled with disbelief.

She got up and the dogs ran to Jonas.

“Hi brother.”

They stood and looked at each other for a while.

I should come here more often.  

“When did you come? Did you come alone?” He stepped down on the gravel and she walked right into his arms. His hug reminded her of grandpa and her father at the same time. Her shoulders fell down and she leaned her forehead against his chest.

“Has something happened?” Ever since he became old enough, tall enough, strong enough he had been her protector even though she had four years on him.

She let go and looked up at him, her father’s blue eyes and her mother’s curly hair, a shade darker but still red.

“Let’s go inside.”

The house was warm, the hallway cramped with kid’s clothes and kid’s shoes and a couple of toys. Jonas walked out in the kitchen and she followed.

“You want some coffee?” Not as much a question as a statement.

“Sure, where is Heidi?”

She couldn’t see her sister-in-law anywhere.

“She is upstairs nursing Albert. He loves that mama milk.”

“They all do,” she said and sat down by the table. Watched her brother move around in the kitchen, put on the coffee, get some cups from the cabinet. Now this house was his as much as grandpa’s.

“How are Holly and James?”

Jonas put the cups on the table together with the milk and a plate with cookies.

“They are good! Holly likes second grade and James seem to enjoy Kindergarten. How are Anna and Jack?”

“They are good.” They looked at each other over the table; she could tell that Jonas was waiting for her to tell him why she was here. He lifted his head and looked at the ceiling.

“I think Heidi is done.”

The ceiling creaked and then the stairs squeaked and Heidi came into the kitchen. She stopped dead in the doorway, her dark blonde hair was a mess and her big blue eyes flew open.

“What? Kristin? When? Why didn’t you tell me?” Heidi pointed a finger at Jonas. He shook his head.

“I didn’t know, she just showed up.”

Heidi looked over at Kristin to confirm the story and Kristin nodded.

They sat around the table, Kristin and Jonas drank coffee and Heidi drank her fourth glass of milk. They had made a little small talk but she could tell that Jonas was still waiting for her to say why she was there.

“I feel in love with another man.” She looked down at the table when she said it but then she lifted her head and looked at both of them. Both stared back at her, no one said anything for a moment. Then Heidi started to smile.

“Wow! Did you cheat?”

Kristin nodded.

“Sis!” Jonas said seriously at first but then he started to laugh.

“What happened?” Heidi asked curiously.

“Well, I met him at a museum and we got this strange strong connection at once.”

Heidi looked excited and amused.

“And then we saw each other twice and then I freaked out and put some pressure on him and he freaked out and won’t even talk to me anymore”

“What?” Jonas looked perplexed, “What do you mean?”

“I got this feeling that I was not the only one maybe,” she had to think about it, “and I felt so close to him that I got that feeling. You know…” she looked over at Jonas, “the feeling we used to get right before dad was about to leave.”

He nodded and she could see the little boy he once was within his eyes.

“I don’t know if he would disappear, but I got so scared he would because I felt so close to him. And when I asked for a little reassurance that, you know,  he wouldn’t just leave. Well then he vanished.”

“Vanished?” Now it was Heidi’s turn to look confused.

“He won’t answer when I call, he won’t answer my texts and he won’t answer my emails”

Jonas stood up suddenly, his cheeks got red and he narrowed his eyes.

“What a fucking asshole! Do you want me to come with you and talk to him?”

She knew he was serious but she had to smile.

“Well it’s kind of hard to get hold of him since he lives in a building with a doorman.”

“Oh, is he rich?” Heidi asked with interest.

“A bit I guess.”

Jonas still looked pissed off.

“But I could wait outside his building a whole day,” he said and grounded his teeth.

“I know, brother, I know. Thank you but I don’t think it will go over too well.”

“I could bring Brian.”

Now both Kristin and Heidi laughed. Brian, Jonas’ best friend; 6 feet 6 inches and 220 pounds with a lot of experience breaking noses.

“I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

“Ok.” Jonas sat down again; he took a cookie and shoved the whole thing in his mouth.

“What does he do?” Heidi asked.

“He is a history professor and writes scholarly books”

First, both of them looked bewildered and dumbfounded, and then they started to laugh.

“Of course sis!”

They laughed so hard that she started to laugh too.

“How old is he?” Heidi snorted.

“He’s 52.”

Both of them started to laugh even harder. Jonas and Heidi, Heidi and Jonas, she didn’t know two more compatible people. If they ever argued, both of them started to laugh midway through the argument.

“But sis, if you are going to cheat I though you would do it with a hot 30 year old and not some old college professor.”

Kristin shook her head and rolled her eyes.

“You two clearly don’t understand.”

But she wasn’t angry; it actually felt nice to laugh at the whole fucking mess. After some more coffee Jonas needed to tend to the farm and Albert woke up so Heidi started to nurse again. Kristin decided to go out in the woods.

She walked behind the house, down the crooked trail. She still knew every bend, every root, and every rock. Each step brought her a sense of calm. Her feet pounding the same ground as she did as a child, her mother did as a child and her grandmother did all those years ago. The birds were chirping loudly, fearlessly, happily high up in the trees. Spring is here, spring is here, spring is here.

The river was filled with fresh clear water from the spring rains and from snow that had melted. The gravelly bottom; a beige gold treasure glistening in the sun. She took off her shoes and her socks and rolled up her jeans. The water was numbingly cold and shot shock waves of pain up her legs. But the joy in the streaming water pushing against her legs and the round pebbles under her feet were worth the pain. The pain was soothing, physical pain instead of emotional pain. She picked up a white stone, round as a tiny bird egg; it fit perfectly in the cup of her palm. Next to it was a small dark brown stone, the same color as her father’s hair; she picked this one up too and placed both in her pocket.

She walked for a few minutes and then she stopped. The maple tree was still there, hanging heavily over the water. Perhaps a little greyer, a little bit older looking but still there. She climbed up the riverside and walked up to the beginning of the big branch. Stroked the uneven, rough bark with her hand; it tickled her palm in a sensory satisfying way. 

“Hello, brother tree.”

She climbed out on the branch and lay down. Her feet almost touched the water now but she still felt completely safe lying there. She took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly, put her head down and relaxed. Listened to the river purling and the wind caressing the almost bare branches of the deciduous. And let this moment fill her with rest from fretting thoughts.

                                                                 44.

 

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. .”

                                                               Alphonse Marie Louis de Prat de Lamartine

“Her sister drowned.”

“Her daddy is gone.”

“Her grandpa died.”

“Poor girl! Look at her!”

First day of school for Kristin, three weeks later than the others. She had begged to go back before but her mother had refused until now. But today they were back at school and mommy was back at work, finally. Kristin had hated to watch her mother walk around in her robe all day crying, she had almost wished she was back at Mrs. Henke.

The days were still summer warm but the nights had started to get cooler. Fall was not far away, some of the smaller trees had started to turn yellow and in the morning she had to wear a sweater.  But in the afternoon the sun was still warm enough to walk in her t-shirt.

Last year at this time, grandpa, daddy and Kristin had gone Canadian goose hunting. Early in the morning, when the sun had started to show and smoke rose from the lake they stepped into the boat. The silence was never-ending. Kristin had sat close to daddy in the front of the boat, spooked by the stillness and the upcoming hunt.

Grandpa and daddy were different than usual. Serious, quiet and focused. They chewed tobacco and didn’t say much. When the guns went off Kristin covered her ears and closed her eyes. She didn’t want to look at the dead geese. She couldn’t stand the instant transformation in the animals. One second alive and the next nothing but a limp nonentity covered in ruffled feathers.

Everything was different this year. Everything! She walked slowly down the hallway, tried to not hear what the others were saying. Tried to not see how they looked at her. Tried to pretend it didn’t bother her.

At lunch time she fled, didn’t even bring her bag. Ran out in the clear September day, ran down the street. Ran away from all those eyes, all those words.

The library was quiet. Smelled of old paper and books, and as always she felt instantly soothed.  The light came in through the big windows and made the dust in the air sparkle like little stars of gold. She walked across the wood floor, making no sound with her sneakers. No one was here now, everybody was in school. She searched through the shelves until she found “Alice in Wonderland”. She took out the book, looked at the cover, and touched it tenderly.

Then she went over to the one and only couch they had in the library. Took off her shoes, sat down cross legged and started to read. Not until she was sure everybody had gone home from school did she put down the book and leave.

Jonas was already home, laying on the floor with his cars.

“Did you eat something?” she asked.

He shook his head.

The cabinet was starting to get empty but there was some bread left and some sugar. In the fridge she found some butter and applesauce. She took a big blob of butter and melted it in the pan, and then fried the bread and put sugar on top.

Jonas sat by the kitchen table talking about something. She didn’t really listen; she was so hungry she couldn’t pay attention. She put two slices of bread on a plate and some applesauce on top and set it in front of Jonas. She took the last three slices herself and sat down.

“Do you have any homework?”

Jonas nodded.

“What is it?”

He blushed and looked down at the table.

“Math,” he said quietly.

She knew Jonas hated math; no matter how much anyone helped him and explained it he just didn’t get it.

“Give it to me and I will do it.”

He lifted his head and smiled at her.

Second grade math was easy; it only took her 15 minutes to do it. Then she did her own homework. If things were like they should be, if things were like they used to be she would have left the house now. Gone over to Karen’s or to the playground, but today she didn’t feel like it.

She lay on the floor with Jonas and played with his cars until mommy came home.

“Is daddy coming back?”

Her mother didn’t meet her eyes, only shook her head.

“I don’t know.”

And Emma is not. Grandpa is not. They are gone, gone, gone!

She didn’t say anything. Took the notion and pushed it deep into her stomach, far away from her heart. Pushed, buried it, and covered it up. Until it turned impregnable, diamond hard, heavy.  Until she didn’t feel a thing.  Then she stood up, looked at her mother. She seemed distant now, the color of the wallpaper bleached and the voices from the TV muffled.

“Ok,” she said and went into the bedroom. Laid down on the mattress, decided that she would never let herself be close to anyone again, because losing them was too hard. She closed her eyes, and fell soundly asleep.

But she was only a little girl, a child of barely 12 years and of course she didn’t have true understanding of how a human soul functions or what a human soul needs. She did what was wisest at that moment; she did what she had to do to survive. A soul can only take so much pain, and so much loss. And as you know by now she had more in only a few child years than could fit into a normal life time.

But sometimes what we do to survive is merely life support and not a full, true life. And one day, it might take 10 or 20 or even 30 years, someone shows up with the key, a blowtorch or a soft hand and cracks the diamond hard protective shell. Perhaps it is a friend, perhaps a lover or it might be a child.

Because what she didn’t know, is that every soul needs true belonging, pure closeness and warm tenderness.

What will happen when the starving soul is set free?  Let me tell you this; if a soul likes the taste of all this it is impossible to rein her back in. She will only want more!

And she won’t be a beggar child pleading with her hungry, enormous eyes.

She will be a wolf sensing the deer in the wind. The mouth waters and she will hunt that deer down until she can sink her teeth in the warm meat, over and over again. The mouth full of hot bubbling blood.