Chapter 35-36

                                                                    35.

“Swift as a deer. Quiet as a shadow. Fear cuts deeper than swords.
Quick as a snake. Calm as still water. Fear cuts deeper than swords.
Strong as a bear. Fierce as a wolverine. Fear cuts deeper than swords.”

            Arya Stark

 

One of the last days of April; flowering fruit trees, proud tulips in red, yellow, orange and pink and a bright blue sky. She sat in the shadow under the trees, her eyes locked on the entrance across the street. She had been sitting there for almost three hours, waiting patiently for him to come out.

The sparrows were now here friends; they ate crumbs out of her hand. The trees and the wind kept her company. Ten dogs had walked by, lifted their legs and peed on the corner of the wall she was sitting on. She had said hello to twelve kids and five old ladies.

 Just like a cross Atlantic flight, real time didn’t exist. She wasn’t hungry, she wasn’t bored, she simply waited.  She knew that the weather and the sunny skies would eventually pull him out of his apartment. He wouldn’t be able to resist.

She had tried to envision what would happen; she had come up with two possible scenarios:

Scenario 1: the pumped up on Pink and The Runaways scenario.

She ran across the street and stopped right in front of him. Narrowed her eyes and glared at him.

 “What are you doing here?” he asked and took a step backwards.

 “I would like to cut off your dick and feed it to the cat” she said coldly, “but I will settle for talking to you.”

He looked around, raised his shoulders nervously.

“You are crazy, leave me alone.”

“No,” she said and smiled, “I am not crazy. I am angry. Men often mistake women’s anger for craziness.”

Her heart was pounding so fiercely now that it started to be hard to focus and hear. But the sight of his uneasiness calmed her down; she realized she was in control.  Someone came out of the entrance and he had to say hello, the person looked at them so she smiled sweetly.

“I have plans,” he said and tried to pass her. She put her hand on his chest and stopped him.

“Cancel them or I will come with you and I am sure the person you are seeing would love to know who I am.”

He pulled his hand through his hair, and for a moment she remembered how soft it had been under her fingers and how sweet he had tasted.  She had to close her eyes and search for her inner wolf, when she opened her eyes again, the tenderness was gone.

“I will call the police,” he said and actually sounded scared, he reached for the phone in his pocket.

She laughed now.

“And what will you tell them? That a 5’7” woman who weighs 120 pounds and that you fucked is now trying to talk to you on the street? I am sure they will run to your side.”

The hand left the pocket and he leaned backwards on his heels.

“I won’t talk to you,” he said as he turned around and headed back towards his building.

Anger flooded her body and she took three quick steps up to him and grabbed his shoulder.

“Yes you will!” she said as she turned him around. She started to push him slightly on the chest. “You are a fucking asshole. Do you think that you can just waltz into someone’s life and take what you want?”  

He grabbed hold of her hand.

“Don’t push me Kristin.”

“No?” she said and pulled her hand out of his grip and pushed him again. “You are nothing but a hot air balloon filled with fancy words. When it comes down to the real thing you are a wuss.”  

She wished that she could growl for real as she stood there staring at him. He shook his head and smirked. He smirked!

“How dare you smirk? I have never met anyone as full of shit as you are. You are not a lion! You are nothing but a spoiled housecat. You are afraid of going outside in the real world.”

“I won’t talk to you!” he said again.

She pushed him hard on the chest.

“Ah fuck you!” she said and turned around and left.

 

Scenario 2: “we are grownups and can talk to each other” scenario.

She ran across the street and stopped right in front of him. He almost walked straight into her but stopped at the last second.

“Kristin!” His voice was surprised and a little shrill. “What are you doing here?”

He looked around and behind her until he finally stopped at her face.

“I want to talk to you.”

He took two steps backwards.

“No,” he said, “I won’t talk to you.”

“Yes you will. Your choice; either I yell at you here on the street or we go back to your apartment and talk.”

He shook his head and looked very uncomfortable. She leaned a little closer.

“Don’t think I will hesitate to yell.”

He looked at his watch, pulled his hand through his hair and then he met her eyes. His pupils slightly dilated.

“Ok, you can come up for a moment.”

 He walked in front of her up the stairs and in the door again,  the doorman was the same as the last time she was here.

“Hi George,” she said and Robert flinched, this made her smile.

They each stood in a corner of the elevator. Not looking at each other, staring straight ahead. So different than last time.

The familiarity of his apartment was overwhelming. How could she feel so at home here and now she wasn’t welcome anymore? She opened her jacket but didn’t take off her shoes; she walked down the hallway into the living room. His bed with the white bedspread, a black hole about to pull her in. They stood several feet away from each other, he had his glance on the wall behind her and she stared at his chest.

 “Ok,” he said, “What do you want?”

“Well, I would like to talk to you because I am not sure what really happened.”

He leaned against the wall.

 “I know I scared you somehow.”

She looked down at the floor, hoping he would say something. Anything!

“I am no good at casual relationships,” she hesitated, “I panicked!”

“I could tell. I wasn’t ready for the intensity of your feelings.”

Was the man she had fallen in love still there somewhere? She looked at him, stared into his eyes. She tried to reach into him, find the person she thought she knew.

“I had stopped believing in true love or belonging or that someone would get me. But you made me believe.”

Don’t cry! Kristin, don’t cry!

“And now you won’t even talk to me.”

And here came the tears.

Fuck!

She wiped her face and tried to stop the tears, stared down at the floor until she was calmer.

“There were others too, right?”

She lifted her head again and looked at him. He nodded without saying anything. She nodded to confirm to herself something she already knew.

“Well,” she said, “it was good anyway, those few moments we had.”

“Yes,” his voice warmer now, closer the voice she felt was his. His face not a hard mask of distance. But he didn’t say anything more. She waited for another moment but he stayed quiet.

“Ok, I think I will leave now.”

He moved so she could walk by him without having to touch him. She stopped in the doorway and looked at him.

“Bye Robert.”

“Bye Kristin.”

 She hoped that he would take the few steps in between them and grab hold of her and kiss her passionately. And whisper in her ear that he loved her and couldn’t stay away from her anymore. She would push him down into the blue sofa, rip her clothes off and have her way with him. And she would bite him, and claw him and leave a line of blue hickeys all over his neck. To show that this man is taken!

She wasn’t sure which one she wanted to happen the most. Her pelvis voted loudly for number two, but her heart and soul were not that easily convinced.  But what really happened she hadn’t imagined.

At 1:34 the door opened and he stepped out onto the sidewalk. Quickly she jumped down on the street and walked across. She stopped in front of him and he froze in his track, at first he simply stared at her, surprised.

“Kristin? What a coincidence.”

She smiled slightly

“This is no coincidence. I have been waiting for you for three hours.”

“You have?”

“Yes, since you won’t answer when I call or email, that is not cool. And I want to talk to you.”

“I’m going somewhere.”

Of course you are.

“Will you be long?”

“One of my friends is sick so I will be gone the whole evening.”

Of course you are.

“Are you walking there?”

“No, I’m going on the subway.”

Strange! The subway is the other way.

“I will walk you to the subway then.”

All the things she had wanted to say. All the things she had planned left her mind. And she got the strongest urge to protect her tender heart. He didn’t not deserve to hear how she had suffered and longed for him. What she really wanted was to hear what he had to say about all this.

“So Robert, what happened?” she asked.

“You freaked out.”

He didn’t look at her; he kept his eyes on the ground. And she realized that the last month had meant nothing to him. Nothing at all! Or was it pure shock at being asked to answer something. Something unplanned. To actually have to act responsible for someone else and not just hide in his Ivory Tower. His Ivory Tower built of elaborate words and detachment.

“Yes, because I fell in love with you.”

“You can’t fall in love when you have seen someone only a few times.”

“You can’t?”

He shook his head.

“Your feelings are too intense.”

“Well, you said some pretty intense things before I said them to you and you even thanked me for making you feel intensely again.”

“But,” his voice was bothered, “when you say that you are willing to risk your marriage for me. That is too intense!”

She felt amazingly calm.

“If you cheat, you put your marriage at risk.”

They had come to an intersection and they stopped.

“But I didn’t sign up for that.”

“I didn’t know that you singed a contract when you were dealing with people.”

“That is just an expression.” He sounded annoyed, which was thrilling. “You can’t do this.” He started to sound angry. “You can’t ambush me like this.”

They stood still for a moment looking at each other. She couldn’t help to stare at the grey wonderful chest hair that was peeking out over the shirt.

This is really pointless! We will just bounce words off each other. He will never tell me the truth.

“So where are you going now?” she asked.

“Oh,” he said, slightly confused, “the subway.”

She just had to put a little pressure on him.

“I will ride with you.”

“No, you won’t.”

Did she detect a sense of panic in his voice?

“Ok,” she said and turned around and left.

 After a minute she started to laugh. Not hysterically, just joyful.

I did it! I actually stood outside his building and waited and then I talked to him. I didn’t let him dictate everything.

Now the hunger came so she stopped at the fruit stand and bought some nectarines. It felt good to walk after three hours of sitting still. The sun was out and it truly was a very beautiful day.

She strolled down the avenue with a big smile on her face. Then she turned a corner and thought she would walk by the water instead. When she was halfway down the block she stopped short. He was straight in front of her, by the big monument, doing that circle walk people do that are waiting for someone. Craning their neck, turning their head first one way then the other.

First she was thinking about going up to him and saying,

“I thought you were going on the subway.”

But then she couldn’t be bothered. She walked by pretending not to see him. She wasn’t sure if he saw her.

Ha! I was right! I didn’t mean anything! He replaced me in less than ten days.

She was pretty sure he was going to see another woman.

As she walked down the street she got filled up with the strongest urge to go home, to be with her children, to see her husband, to leave all this behind her.

 

 

                                                                        36.

 

“He no longer dreamed of storms, nor of women,

nor of great occurrences, nor of great fish, nor fights, nor contests of strength, nor of his wife.

 He only dreamed of places now and of the lions on the beach.”

Ernest Hemingway, The Old Man and the Sea

 

 The rain had been pounding the house for three days straight. Grandpa’s vegetables in the garden lay on the ground, slimy and limp. They had all started to get restless, especially Kristin. She walked up and down the stairs, loudly, banging her feet on the steps.

I want daddy back!

I want Emma back!

I want daddy back!

I want Emma back!

I want daddy back!

 “Kristin,” grandpa called out, “can you please try to walk a little softer?”

She stopped in the middle of the stairs, stood still for a moment, then jumped down the last seven steps and landed on the floor with a loud crack. She slipped and hit her head. Grandpa came running out of the living room, where he and Jonas were playing Monopoly. She sat up and glared at him as he came to a stop in front of her.

“What happened?” He sat down next to her. “Are you hurt?”

She shook her head and stood up.

“I’m fine.” She walked away from him and into the kitchen. The dogs were lying under the kitchen table. “Can I take the dogs out?” she yelled. As soon the dogs heard the word out they came crawling from underneath the table, wagging their tails and licking her hands.

“Sure,” grandpa called back, “take your rain jacket and boots.”

She pulled on her yellow rain jacket and boots and opened the door. The dogs rushed out, but stopped when they felt the rain, one of them tried to sneak back in.

“Don’t be a sissy!” she said and slammed the door in the dog’s face. The dog looked up at her with pleading eyes but she ignored it and walked down on the wet grass.

The ground was soft after all the rain; the lawn was full of small rills and it squished around her feet. She found a stick under the big maple and started to throw it so the dogs could run and catch it. After a little while the stick was slimy and almost chewed to nothing.

“Come here,” she called out and the smaller of the two dogs came up to her, the bigger one stood and stared at her, disregarding her completely. “Come here!” she raised her voice. The dog wouldn’t move, he even narrowed his eyes as he looked at her. “Well you can stay home then.” She turned her back to the dog and started to walk towards the woods. She thought the smaller of them would come after her but nothing happened, and then she heard a shriek, ear splitting and full of pain.

The bigger of the dogs had attacked the smaller one and was now biting it everywhere. The little one was shrieking, whimpering, yelping.

“No!” Kristin yelled, “No! Stop!”

But the bigger dog wouldn’t stop; he bit the little one with a raised lip and a deep growl. Hopped backwards and then attacked again. The little one curled up on the ground, its ears pinned to its head and its tail wagging anxiously.

“No!” Kristin ran up to the bigger dog and tried to grab it and pull it away. The dog snarled at he, she fell landing  on her back on the grass. “Grandpa! Grandpa! Grandpa!” She yelled as loud as she could.

The door flew open and grandpa came out in his socks. He hesitated for a short moment then he grabbed the broom on the porch and ran up to the dogs.

“Moses! Stop!” Grandpa’s voice was cold as steel. The dog didn’t stop; grandpa lifted the broom and hit the big dog on the back. “Moses! Stop!” The big dog turned his attention towards grandpa and growled. Grandpa lifted the broom again. “Kristin, see if you can pick up Esther and bring her in the house.”

She was so scared it was hard to move. Slowly, slowly she walked up to the little dog. Moses growled from somewhere deep in his stomach. When Kristin picked up Esther, the little dog whimpered. She walked backwards to the house, watching grandpa and Moses. “Kristin, put Esther in her bed and bring my shotgun and the shells. Hurry up!”

She turned around and stumbled into the house, put the small dog in her bed and walked back out in the hallway. Took the key from behind the mirror and opened grandpa’s gun cabinet. Took the shotgun, had no time to look at the engraving of the flying ducks, grabbed the box of shells and slammed the door behind her.

Moses and grandpa stood exactly the way she had left them. She walked carefully up to grandpa and handed over the shotgun.

“Take Jonas and go into the bathroom. Cover your ears!”

She backed away, saw how grandpa cocked the shotgun and loaded it with two shells. Ran the two last yards into the house. Jonas stood inside the door and looked scared.

“What’s happening?”

She grabbed his hand and started to pull him towards the bathroom.

“Grandpa said we should go into the bathroom and cover our ears.”

The bathroom only had one window facing the back of the house; Kristin turned on the light and covered her ears. Jonas did the same and then they waited.

After a few minutes grandpa came into the bathroom. He was sopping wet and looked tired.

“I’m going out to the woods for a while. Cover Esther with a blanket and put the oven on 175. We can heat the leftover pancakes for dinner.”

Kristin nodded and grandpa left again.

The small dog licked her hand when she covered her with a blanket. Kristin got nauseous when she saw the bite marks on its ears; she had to swallow hard a few times. She turned on the oven and put in the plate with the pancakes, set the table and then she and Jonas stood by the window and looked for grandpa.

After about 30 minutes, he came out from the woods with a shovel in his hand. He put the shovel against the barn wall and rinsed his hands under the hose.

After dinner grandpa washed Esther’s wounds and fed her a few pieces of pancake. Then he sat down heavily in his chair and stared at the wall. The two children knew better than to bother him. Kristin helped Jonas get ready for bed and she read him a story. When she came down to the living room again to say good night to grandpa, he wasn’t there. He stood in the bathroom brushing his teeth. She stood in the doorway and looked at him.

“Good night grandpa. I’m going to bed now.”

He spit out the toothpaste and put his hand on her head. Caressed her hair.

“Me too, I’m really tired,” he said and sighed deeply, “maybe we should go to the library tomorrow.”

“Yes, that would be good. I need a new book to read.”

“Good, good night then. See you tomorrow!”

 Sometime during the night the rain stopped and when she woke up the sun was shining from a forget-me-not blue sky. She ran downstairs; she wanted to go outside in the sun, maybe have breakfast on the porch. Downstairs was quiet; she looked in the kitchen, no grandpa there. She looked in the living room. She opened the door and looked on the porch. Stood bewildered with the door open. Ran across the yard, opened the barn door, totally empty. Had grandpa gone down to the horses without them? She looked down at her watch, a quarter to eight. She hadn’t over slept!

Walked back to the house, grandpa’s shoes stood inside the door.

“Grandpa!” she called quietly. No answer!

Could he still be sleeping? She tiptoed to his bedroom door, it was never closed, always open if they needed anything.

“Grandpa!” she said and put her head in the door.

Saw him lying on his side with his face the other way.

“Grandpa,” she whispered now.

He didn’t move or say anything. Slowly she walked around the bed and looked at him. He was sleeping deeply.

“Grandpa,” she whispered.

Nothing happened. She reached out her hand and poked him on the shoulder. He didn’t react. She stood still, looking at the old man, feeling utterly confused.

“Grandpa,” she said a little louder this time.

She clapped her hands and snapped her fingers. Nothing happened. The realization seeped into her body and she sank to her knees. Crawled out of the bedroom and closed the door.

She heard Jonas walking down the stairs and he stopped in front of her.

“Call mommy!” she said. “Call mommy!”

“Why?” he asked and rubbed his eyes.

“Call mommy!” she yelled at him. He ran to the phone and dialed the number.

Kristin didn’t know what to do, her whole body was hurting and her stomach was churning. Then she ran across the hallway to the bathroom and threw up.