Chapter 11-12

                                    11.

“The night Max wore his wolf suit and made mischief of one kind

and another

His mother called him “WILD THING!”

And Max said “I’LL EAT YOU UP!”

So he was sent to bed without eating anything.”

Maurice Sendak, Where the Wild Things Are

 

She couldn’t believe it; the stupid seagulls woke her up again, at 5:45. She was completely exhausted. Too little sleep had started to affect her, she could feel a slight headache and it was increasingly hard to focus on things. Thankfully, the kids were cooperating and there were no tantrums or dramas. 

She had forgotten that on Tuesdays she always took a long walk with her friend Jenna. So when she came home she turned on the computer to write Robert an email and tell her she couldn’t chat. But there was already one waiting for her.

I can’t chat in the morning today. My cat woke me up at 4 because she had chewed on her own paw. There was blood everywhere. I have to take her to the vet. I’m exhausted! Sorry! Perhaps some other time?

She wrote a quick short email telling him how sorry she was that his cat had hurt herself. She changed into tights and her good walking shoes. When she stepped out of the house Jenna was already there.

They walked briskly away from the house talking about the kids, and the weather and some TV show Jenna liked. When they came into the park Kristin blurted out, “Have you ever cheated?”

Jenna looked over at her with a curious look on her face and her brown eyes a bit wider than usual.

“Yes, one time. It was horrible!”

“What happened?”

“I actually cheated with Tom.”

The park was filled with daffodils and the bushes had started to open up.

“Well, he ended up being your husband so that is not too bad.”

Both of them laughed.

“I can tell you, that when it happened the guilt was horrible.”

“Did you go all the way?”

“Yeah, and before I got around to break up with my boyfriend, I was a wreck. He was away at college and it took a few weeks before I saw him.”

“Did you tell him?”

“No, I just broke up with him. He didn’t know Tom at all so it wasn’t like he could know. Why are you bringing this up?”

Jenna nudged her in the side.

“I don’t know, I was just thinking.”

They crossed the little bridge over the stream and came over on the other side.

“If I could choose, and I have been on both sides, I think I would rather by cheated on than cheat.”

“Really?” Kristin was surprised.

“Yeah, when someone cheats on you people feel sorry for you, but when you cheat you are the bad person.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Kristin thought carefully over how to word the next question. “What is worse, to physically cheat or to feel emotionally connected to someone?”

“What do you mean?”

They met a few other people and said “hi”.

“Well, you know you can have sex with someone without being in love. But isn’t it worse if you have feelings for someone?”

Jenna thought this over for a second.

“I guess, I mean I don’t think I would tell Tom if I was out and got drunk and made out with a guy and it didn’t mean anything.”

Kristin shook her head.

“No, I don’t think I would say anything either. But what if you, let’s say start to email someone or talk on the phone a lot. And you feel a really strong connection to this person. That is kind of bad, right?”

Jenna looked at her again, more thoughtful than curious this time.

“Yeah, then I think you are dealing with something completely different. And that can be dangerous, more dangerous than a one night stand.”

“Yeah.”

The came to the hill and walked up. They couldn’t talk since it was too steep, both of them were out of breath.

“Do you think that you can be married for maybe 40 years and never fall in love with someone else?” Kristin asked when her breathing had calmed down a bit again.

Jenna shook her head.

“No, I think that will happen, for sure. But the thing is what you do with it. Do you act on it or do you pretend nothing is going on?”

“Yeah, I don’t know.”

They walked out of the park again and started to walk home.

“Are you sure nothing is going on?”

Kristin smiled.

“No, I was just thinking.”

“Ok,” Jenna said and looked skeptical.

 

Before she went to pick up Jack she took a shower, stepped on the scale.

Ok those five pounds came off pretty easy.

Stress always had that effect on her. No sleep and no food= bleary eyed with skinny hips.

 Made the beds, cleaned up in the kitchen and vacuumed. She checked her emails but nothing new. Robert was probably busy with the cat.

Got Jack, made lunch, sat on the couch and read all the Dr. Seuss books. Tried to get Jack to tell her what they had done in pre-school but he kept insisting it was a secret. Drew a treasure map that they used when they went to pick up Anna. Made a snack, helped Anna with her homework while Jack was doing puzzles. Thought about Robert 2000 times.

At a quarter to four they had to leave for Anna’s soccer practice.

“Jack, it’s time to go!” she yelled.

“Soon!” he yelled back.

Anna stood outside the door in her soccer outfit waiting.

“Ok, I will count to 20 and if you are not down here then I will come upstairs and bring you down.”

She started to count loudly; at twelve Jack came down the stairs. He was wearing Anna’s yellow skirt with blue and red flowers.

“Maybe we should put some pants on?” Kristin suggested.

“No, I don’t want to wear pants!”

Kristin looked at her watch and then she looked over at Anna who had started to run on the lawn.

“It’s pretty cold out.”

The little boy shook his head.

“Can we at least put pants underneath the skirt?”

Jack thought about it for a moment.

“Ok,” he said.

Kristin ran upstairs and found a pair of long johns, and then she ran downstairs again and helped Jack put them on.

 

“Why is he wearing my skirt?” Anna asked when she saw them

Kristin shook her head.

“He is just borrowing it.”

Anna didn’t look happy but she had learned that sometimes it was better to stay quiet as to not induce a screaming tantrum.

Rode the bikes faster than she wanted to try to get there in time, they were still a few minutes late. The other mothers stared at Jack but didn’t say anything. Cheered on Anna, got back on the bikes, and rode home. Set the table, waited for John to bring home pizza while the kids watched TV.

The first thing John said when he got in the door was, “Why is Jack wearing a skirt?”

“Because he wants to!” She said irritated. “Let’s eat!”

John put the pizza on the table and the kids came running.

“He didn’t wear that out of the house?” John asked and pointed to Jack.

“He wore my skirt to soccer practice.” Anna said with her whole mouth full of pizza.

John glared at her.

“You can’t let him do that!”

Kristin swallowed down the half chewed pizza.

“And why not?”

“Because he is a boy!”

Kristin closed her eyes and tried, oh she tried her hardest to not get angry. But she failed!

“And so what? Do you think he will become gay because he wears a skirt?”

John looked bothered.

“What is gay?” Anna asked.

Kristin was just about to answer her.

“Don’t!” John said and looked at her with blazing eyes.

“Why don’t you stay home every day and we will see how many times you will give in because you are so damn tired of arguing and negotiating everything.”

Kristin threw away her half eaten pizza slice and left the table.

Sometimes I just want to divorce my whole life! Go somewhere else!

 

Suppressed the anger enough to be able to put Anna to bed with a smile and a kiss.

“I want you to read ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ ”. Anna stood with the book in her hand.

“Ok, we haven’t read that one in a long time.” Kristin sat down on the bed and Anna sat next to her.

“BE STILL!” Anna said and jumped up and stared Kristin in the eye.

And then they had the usual discussion about what kind of animal each of the wild things looked like. A bull, an eagle and of course, a lion. Kristin got a twitch in her stomach. A Leo!

“Good night sweetest little girl,” Kristin said by the door.

“Good night mommy.”

Then she basically rushed to the computer. He was already online!

Kristin: Hi Robert

Robert: sorry I missed our morning date

Kristin: it’s ok! how’s the cat?

Robert: She is ok. They put the cone on so she can’t lick her paw.

Kristin: she most love that! and how’re you?

Robert: lol! she is not crazy about the cone! I’m ok, a bit tired. how’re you?

Kristin: I’m ok, I didn’t have a bloodbath in my house at least.

Robert: do your kids sleep through the night?

Funny question coming from a man without children.

Kristin: of course

Robert: you are lucky!

Kristin: lol. they didn’t for the first 18 months. I was a wreck!

Robert:  I can imagine, my cat gets hurt and I am a wreck.

Kristin: lol. try losing blood, have someone suckle liquid from your body and not be allowed to sleep more than 2 hours straight for 6 months.

Robert: No thanks darling!

Robert: needless to say I am very excited about Friday.

Kristin: yeah me too! and if I know myself right I probably won’t sleep to well and then I will be starving.

Robert: I will feed you.

I will feed you! Can’t get more romantic than that.

At nine o’clock she started to get crossed eyed and they said good night.

 

 

 

 

                                                                        12.

“Sail on Silver Girl

Sail on by

Your time has come to shine

All your dreams are on their way”

Paul Simon

 

Her beautiful mother stood by the stove and sang loudly to Simon & Garfunkel, while she was mashing potatoes and frying sausages. Kristin loved her mother at this moment. Loved that she was so young, and so beautiful and full of songs.

Mommy had been back for about a week without daddy and now everybody was relaxed again. Food on the table and peaceful sleep at night. No one used the money to buy whiskey, no one invited people over for a party in the middle of the week and no one was fighting until blood sprayed all over the walls.

Jonas slept across the whole mattress again with his tiger by his side. Emma slept on her mattress on the floor and Kristin had her own mattress to herself.

“Kristin, go out and get the Jonas and Emma at the playground,” her mother said.

Kristin jumped down from the chair and rushed out.

Emma sat in the sandbox and Jonas was on the swings.

“It’s dinner!” she yelled to them and grabbed Emma by the hand.

Jonas made the swing go higher and higher until he leaped out in the air and landed feet first. Not as scared at the moment.

“I did it!” A big proud smile spread over his face.

When they were almost at the door, two teenage boys showed up. Kristin knew who they were and she knew that she should be afraid of them from what she had heard from other kids.

“Look!” the blonder of them said and pointed at them. “Where is your daddy?”

He smiled at them and Kristin felt how her stomach tightened.

“Fuck you!” she said.

At first they looked surprised but that left quickly and anger took over.

“What did you say?” the other one said.

He had a bit longer hair and a scar over his left cheek. The rumor was that he had been cut in a fight.

Kristin tried to get closer to the door so she could protect Jonas and Emma but both boys got in their way. And before she could react the blonder one got hold of Jonas.

“Leave him alone!” she screamed. She wasn’t afraid yet but she could feel that it wasn’t far away.

Jonas looked so small in their arms, and she could see that he would start to cry very soon. Emma stood with her thumb in her mouth, pressed against her leg.

The one with the scar grabbed Jonas arm and bent it behind his back.

“Ouch,” Jonas whimpered and both boys laughed.

Kristin started to feel a growl grow in her stomach and she heard her daddy’s voice inside of her. “You are my little wolf.”

She took several deep breaths before she rushed at them. She jumped on top of the one that held onto Jonas and started to bite and claw and pull his hair. Emma started to howl. Kristin was a rage filled animal. She was foaming at the mouth when she got hold of the boy’s ear with her teeth and bit down.

“Oooouuuh!” he screamed.

 She tasted blood in her mouth. He pushed her away and she fell to the ground.

“Jesus!” the boy screamed and held a hand over his ear. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Kristin sat crouched down on the ground with narrow eyes.

“Leave us alone!” she snarled.

“Crazy bitch!” the boy said and backed up.

 Then both of them turned around and walked slowly away.

Kristin was breathing heavily, she felt like she had been running for hours. Emma was sobbing and Jonas stood with his head hanging.

“Let’s not tell mommy,” Kristin panted.

Jonas shook his head. She picked up Emma in her arms and kissed the little girls face until there were no more tears.

 

 

Chapter 9-10

                        9.

“Too late too late a fool could read the signs

Maybe baby you better check between the lines

Please read the letter I wrote it in my sleep

With help and consultation from the angels of the deep”

 

Michael Lee, Jimmy Page, Charlie Jones and Robert Plant

 

Something was pulling her out of her sleep; a strange shrieking noise. She didn’t want to wake up yet. She could feel in her whole body that she was still tired. But it was useless; she rolled to her side and looked at the alarm clock, at least it was 5:30 in the morning.

What the heck is that sound?

She got out of bed and walked downstairs. The noise was fainter here but she could make out that it came from outside;  looked out the kitchen window but she didn’t see anything. She walked to the front of the house and looked out on the street. The noise was louder here. She opened the door, the noise intensified.

Seagulls had landed in the big oak tree across the street. Seagulls in suburbia! They were making a ruckus; screeching and flapping their wings. She backed away into the house again.

Hitchcock warning! Where did the sparrows, the wren and the cardinal go?

Her stomach growled; she hadn’t been eating well the last few days. Not really since her lunch with Robert on Thursday. She stood by the kitchen counter and ate two bowls of Cheerios and milk before the kids woke up.

Then the regular morning rush; go potty, eat breakfast, say bye to daddy, brush teeth, braid hair, get dressed. Jack refused to leave the house without his stuffed dragon. She had to search the whole house until she found it deep under his blanket in bed.  Anna stood outside yelling.

“Mommy! We will be late! Mommy!”

They were running late so she had to take Jack on her shoulders and convince Anna to not say “hi” to the neighbor’s dog and not pick up every stick she saw. The little girl pouted her lips and looked solemn the whole way. Two quick kisses and she was on her way home again.

Rushed up the stairs and turned on the computer. While it booted she had to eat some more. An apple and some almonds. Another email was waiting!

Hope you could sleep well.

It’s 2am and I haven’t been able to fall asleep yet. I can’t stop thinking of you!

And I must confess I am very excited that I might see you on Friday. What would you like to do? Go to a museum again? Have lunch? I am up for anything.

I don’t remember when I felt like this last!

I will try to go to bed now and do my best to not think of you.

She looked at the clock, 9:15, she couldn’t call the grandparents yet.

Oh, please don’t let them have plans! I want to go on Friday! I want to go!

Restless she started to clean off the desk, straightened papers, and threw out old junk. Went over to the bookcase and started to move the books around. Grabbed a rag, started to dust. At 9:45 she couldn’t keep herself from calling anymore.

They didn’t have plans! They could pick the kids up! She almost started to giggle before she hung up. Then she had to run through the house. Yes! Yes! Yes!

Good morning Robert,

I will be all yours on Friday from 11 to 5. Just writing that gives me goose bumps.

Could I come to your place first so we can talk a little and then we can see what we are up for?

I’m so excited!

Kristin

She sent the email and then she went out and checked her Facebook page. She liked a few posts, said “happy birthday” to one friend and shared a link about the environment. Then it started to blink up in the corner. new message from robert.

She went out on her email page.

Robert: good morning! So happy to hear that you are coming.

Kristin: yes it will be fun!

Robert: of course you can come here if you want first and then we can see what we are up for. How did you sleep by the way?

Kristin: I slept well until seagulls woke me up.

Robert: Seagulls?

Kristin: Yeah they were sitting in the oak tree across the street. Making a ruckus!

Robert: Do you normally have seagulls there?

Kristin: No!

Robert: When I’m in my cabin in the summer I can hear them when I wake up.

Kristin: That is one thing. Bu not here in suburbia and not only one, but many.

Robert: Strange!

Kristin: Very!

Robert: Like us.

He said us! Us as in two.

Kristin: How do you mean?

Robert: Strange, extraordinary that we met

Kristin: Yes

Robert: And that we seem to have this strong connection already.

Kristin: Yes. Strange like seagulls in suburbia.

Robert: Lol yes but more enjoyable

Kristin: Yes! You do understand that you are dealing with someone that easily loses herself in emotions.

Robert: How do you mean?

Kristin: Well I tend to rush into things wholeheartedly and my happiness is as high as my sadness is low.

Robert: If you mean that you follow your emotions, then I am the same way. And I believe you have Scandinavian roots (am I right?) and we all know about their dark moods. So I have been forewarned.

Kristin: yes my mother’s grandparents came from Sweden.

Robert: Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Kristin: yeah I guess you are right.

He doesn’t really understand? Or does he mean that he can handle anything?  

Robert: just wanted to say how excited I am. I have to rush now so I will be on time for teaching.

Kristin: ok good luck

Robert: can we chat tomorrow morning?

Kristin: sure around 9

Robert: perfect! See you then.

 

Ok, Kristin, normal life calling!

Sheets to be washed, bathrooms to be cleaned and a garden to tend to.  She stripped the sheets off the beds and put them into the machine. Cleaned both bathrooms; how can something get so dirty in seven days?  When the laundry was done she decided to hang it outside for the first time of the year. The wind was fresh and less filled with ice than just a couple of days ago. The sheets would smell wonderful tonight. Like they always did at grandpa’s.

The tulips were about to burst open and there was a real sense of Spring in the air. She decided to take the kids to the park in the afternoon after Anna had been let out from school. So she prepared dinner; made a meatloaf with mixed root vegetables to just put in the oven when they came home.

Then she pulled the weeds in the front in between the concrete blocks. Looked over at the other’s gardens. So neat! So tidy! So sterile! Not like hers. Hers was filled with flowers everywhere and bushes and shrubs. A reminder of where she came from.

When Jack came home from pre-school he wanted to watch a movie. Normally, Kristin would sit with him in her lap and watch with him, or take the opportunity to read a book or make a phone call. But now she was too restless. She checked her emails ten times but of course she hadn’t gotten anything from Robert. He was teaching but it still felt empty and dull.

She pulled down the sheets, they were very close to dry and they smelled sweet. She made the beds and then she packed her back pack with some juice boxes and crackers.

The park with its ponds and trails made a good distraction for her. The kids were running wild and free. And asked her questions about the birds and the plants.

 

John called and said he had to work late. So her evening hours got rushed. When she finally had both kids in bed and Anna’s lunch made for the next day, it was already 8:50 and she was exhausted.

 

She turned on the computer again. Another email.

 

I got your letter today; it is extremely well written and very moving. Whatever happens between us I will always be a fan orf your writing (lol). I am grateful to you for telling me the truth, for making me feel intensely again.

You should know that you're not the only one who is frightened about this situation and intrigued and scared at the prospect of meeting.

 

I was not only deeply hurt by my ex-wife, but my life turned upside down. Not only did I lose my home; a house I loved and had poured my energy, my hopes and dreams into. Far worse, I lost a whole circle of friends and colleagues that had given me a sense of community.

 

I have dated a few women; but no one has made me feel strongly. I have not even been sure they have liked me as a person or only the surface. (my profession, where I live, etc.). Many women are too occupied with themselves or their career to be capable of true intimacy.  After a few relationships I have learned to be on my guard. And I have been very careful, up until very recently, to keep careful watch over whom I let get close to me. You somehow managed to break through this protective armor that had been impregnable before now. 

 

For the first time in a long time I am starting to feel like myself again. Getting to know you has confirmed this feeling that I am myself again as you seem to like who I am, at least as it is possible to know me through one short meeting, emails and chatting.

 

 

Inside of her a spiky pine cone started to grow. It rubbed against her chest bone and made her very uncomfortable. I am walking on thin ice. If it breaks my whole life will change.

 

She laid awake until 2am, then she finally fell asleep.

 

 

 

 

                                                                    10.

 

“There can be no knowledge without emotion.

We may be aware of the truth, yet, until

we have felt its force, it is not ours.”

Arnold Bennett

 

“Linda!” her grandpa yelled. “Come and help me with the mattresses.”

Her mother came running; her hair in a ponytail and her cheeks flushed.

Grandpa was there to clean up. He always came after daddy left. Now they were going to clean the kid’s room. Kristin knew that Emma’s mattress smelled like pee but she didn’t say anything.

“Kristin!” her mother said out of breath. “Why don’t you take Jonas and Emma down to  Eddie’s Ice Cream?”

“Ok.”

“Here,” grandpa said and reached for his big leather wallet. “Take some money.”

He gave her a five dollar bill. Kristin’s mouth started to water.

“And go to the playground after so grandpa and I can clean up. Don’t’ forget Emma’s pail and shovel.”

“Ok.”

They walked down the street, newly bathed and with newly washed clothes. Emma’s curly blond hair was pulled back into to pigtails and Jonas’ hair was trimmed. Mommy had French braided her hair this morning when it was still wet. Tomorrow for church it would be wavy and her mother had promised she could use one of her fancy clips to keep it away from her face.

Eddies Ice Cream was packed. People even stood in line.

“I want strawberry.”  Emma said and reached her arms up for Kristin to pick her up.

“You can have whatever you want. Grandpa gave us money!”

Jonas craned his neck and tried to look at the board.

“I want a cone with one orange sherbet and one rocky road. Can I have whipped cream too?”

“Sure!”

The 5 dollar bill burned in her hand. Just waiting to be turned into velvety frozen sweetness.

Mint chocolate chip and cherry vanilla. Or butter pecan and chocolate? Or rum raisin and strawberry?

The options, to be able to choose for once, gave her a stomach ache. And her lungs shrunk.

There won’t be any ice cream left when it’s our turn. Because we actually have money today they will run out of ice cream. Don’t want it too much! Then it will run out!

She tried to not even think about the ice cream. But the anxiety was still there.

 

Finally, up by the counter and she could relax.

“I would like one cone with one scoop of orange sherbet, and one scoop of rocky road and whipped cream on top. And one scoop of strawberry in a cup with whipped cream. And one scoop of mint chocolate chip and one scoop strawberry with whipped cream in a cone.”

Jonas stood with his face pressed against the glass. His breath made a foggy circle.

“Hey kid! Stop breathing on the glass.”

Jonas jumped backwards. Anxiously pressed himself into Kristin.

 

She laid in the shade under the tree. Her mouth was cold and the sugar from the ice cream made her a bit woozy. Jonas was swinging and Emma was sitting in the sandbox building sandcastles. Kristin looked at her watch. Soon they could go home. Not yet, maybe in half an hour.

 

The whole apartment smelled of Pine Sol. Emma had gotten a new mattress and the rugs on the floor had been beaten outside. No more bottles on the counter, no more overfull ashtrays and no more dirty clothes overflowing the hamper.

Mommy had made spaghetti and meat sauce and they all sat around the kitchen table and ate. Grandpa had Emma in his lap and fed her small pieces from his plate. Jonas twirled the spaghetti o to his fork and finished his plate as fast as he could.

“Can I watch Scooby Do?” he asked and got up from his chair.

“Yes,” their mother said.

Kristin ate three big plates until her stomach hurt. There was no shortage of food tonight and no one was drunk or screaming.

Grandpa helped to put Jonas and Emma to bed, then he went home.

“Do you want to watch some TV?” Mommy asked and Kristin nodded.

They curled up on the couch together. Kristin leaned into mommy’s body. They watched Dallas. Kristin thought it was boring but it was nice to sit here with mommy.

“Do you miss him?” her mother suddenly asked.

“Yes,” she whispered.

“Me too, but it’s better like this for a while.”

Kristin nodded.

“Until he gets whatever it is out of his system.”

She nodded again.

“Then you know he will be back, and he will be good again.”

“Yes,” she whispered.