13.
“I met a little girl and I settled down
In a little house out on the edge of town
We got married, and swore we'd never part
Then little by little we drifted from each other's heart
At first I thought it was just restlessness
That would fade as time went by and our love grew deep”
Bruce Springsteen
Screeching
seagulls again as soon as the sun rose, but this time she was already awake.
She had been awake for hours lying as still as possible in the bed. Trying to
sleep, listening to John sleeping, trying to understand why she didn’t feel
guilty at all. But no matter how hard she searched inside of her she couldn’t
find any guilt. Only a strong sense of excitement and joy that she would see
Robert soon. And amazement that he existed and that they met.
He is like me. The only one I ever
met!
Anna woke
up first and as soon as Kristin heard the little girl’s footsteps she got out
of bed and walked downstairs.
“Good
morning sweetheart.”
Anna
stood in the kitchen with her teddy bear clutched to her chest.
“I had a
nightmare mommy.”
Kristin
got down on her knees and pulled Anna into her lap.
“Yeah,
what was it about?”
Anna’s
body was still soft and warm from her sleep.
“That you
left, mommy.”
Kristin
put her face close to Anna’s ear.
“I would
never leave you. Never ever!”
She kissed
Anna’s hair and cheeks.
“Never
ever!”
Anna
looked up at her with her hazel eyes.
“Good,
because I would miss you, mommy.”
She held
on tightly to the small body in her arms. Felt the tiny ribs, the bones in the
shoulders, the muscles in the legs. The softness and the innocence. The trust
and the love. The dreams and the resilience.
“Never
ever!” she whispered again.
As soon
as she had dropped off the kids at school, she went to the drugstore and bought
over the counter sleeping pills. 25 in the container. A month’s worth.
Just for a little while until I can
sleep better again.
When she
came home, she searched through the dresser and the closet for what she would
wear on Friday. Eventually, she made up her mind and picked jeans, a white
t-shirt and her favorite green cardigan. She put them on top of the dresser.
She stared in the underwear drawer for a long time. Picked up a pair of lace
panties but put them back again.
Wonder what he likes? But I won’t
be naked anyway so it doesn’t matter.
Cotton
panties with flowers on and a plain bra. Nice but not sexy or seductive in any
fashion.
Because I am not going to be naked
anyway.
Checked
her emails. Nothing! She sighed deeply. Put on a CD, only as loud as she could
when no one was home. Scrubbed the bathtub, vacuumed the kitchen floor again
and made a shopping list. Made a sandwich for herself and ate it standing by
the kitchen counter. Longed, yearned, ached for Friday to hurry up and arrive.
The rest
of the day went by in a blur and since John had to work late again the evening
hours went by even faster. At 8:30, she was by the computer again. One new
email and Robert was online.
Can you chat tonight?
That was
all he had written so she opened the chat window.
Kristin: yes I can chat tonight
Robert: Ha! hi little wolf
Kristin: hi professor, how’s the cat?
Robert: doing much better. she is eating
again and she used the litter box so i am more relaxed.
Kristin: you sound just like a parent.
Robert: lol! what have you done today?
Kristin: usual stuff, taking care of the
kids, cooking, cleaning etc.
Robert: you sound like a good mommy.
Kristin: well I try to be better than my own
mother at least.
Robert: my mother wasn’t that good either.
Kristin: what do you mean?
Robert: as a mother you live partly for you
kids, right?
Kristin: of course
Robert: my mother always put herself first.
perhaps because she was so young.
Kristin: and you didn’t have a father
either. that must have been hard for a boy.
Robert: I had other role male role models.
My grandfather, my teachers, my professors in college.
Role models, that is not who a
father is primarily. You never had a father who adored you, who tucked you in
at night. Someone who held your hand, someone who you could curl up next to and
feel safe, someone who told you wonderful stories about dragons and knights.
Someone who saw themselves in you and felt delight. Who was your hero? Who could teach you to be
a man? What kind of hole does that leave inside of a boy?
One day
she would ask him this but not today. Too early, too sensitive, too personal.
Kristin: my mother gave me too much
responsibility at a too young age. I wish someone had taken care of me until I
was at least 13.
Robert: I hear you!
Kristin: but I’m very enduring and I know
how to take care of myself and everybody else too for that matter.
Robert: yeah kids like us are usually good
at that. but it can be a trap.
Kristin: how do you mean?
Robert: well we tend to put others first
and maybe even sacrifice ourselves. i knew in my marriage i sacrificed a lot of
my career and in the end the marriage was a trap.
Hu, I know what he means.
Kristin: I know what you mean. I used to be
as sweet as sugar because I thought if I was someone would take care of me.
Robert: I know that feeling!
He is like me! He understands me! She shuddered, suddenly cold.
Kristin: When I talk to you it feels like
someone injects cold water under my skin.
Robert: what a perfect analogy.
Kristin: well thank you professor.
Robert: yes you’re clearly my star student.
Robert: are you nervous for Friday? When
I’m nervous I try to think about what the possible outcomes might be.
Kristin: well i wonder if this is just a hot air balloon that
will pop into nothing.
Robert: another perfect analogy.
Kristin: the other possibility is that I
will fall madly in love with you.
Robert: I guess we just have to see.
After
they had logged off, she washed up, took a sleeping pill and went into a heavy
dreamless sleep.
Thursday!
Thursday! Thursday! Thursday! The day before Friday. The day before she would
see Robert again. The day before! She
had slept the sleep of an exhausted person on a sleeping pill. Motionless and
quiet to about five in the morning. After that, not so much. But she had gotten
a good seven hours sleep and she could feel the difference in her body.
And with
a mind full of anticipation and happiness the morning routine pranced by
pleasantly. When she came home she took a long hot shower. Scrubbed every inch
of her body, shaved and put on lotion. Tomorrow she wouldn’t have time to do
such an elaborate grooming. Tomorrow is Friday! Friday! Friday!
The
grocery shopping went by as easy as the morning had and when she went to pick
up Jack at pre-school one of the mothers even commented on how radiant she
looked. She just smiled.
She probably thinks I am pregnant.
She should only know.
After
Jacks three pieces of pasta lunch (too much snack at preschool again), he asked if he
could watch some TV and Kristin said eagerly yes.
Turned on
the computer as soon as he was settled, restlessly she tapped the keyboard
while it booted. One new email from Robert.
Good morning Kristin,
Realized you need directions, it is
not very complicated. Take the train to station A, get on subway 1 to Avenue E.
Walk two blocks east on 80th Street. I live in the grey building on
the corner of 80th Street and Avenue G. If you can’t find your way,
call my cell phone. The number is on the bottom of my card that I gave you when
we first met. Tell the doorman that you are seeing Robert in 10 B.
Can’t wait until tomorrow!
Robert
She
started to write a new email when he came online.
Robert: hi there
Kristin: hi, i was just reading the
directions. i think i can find my way.
Robert: good! but just in case, you do have
my cell?
Kristin: yes i do. i will put in your number
now and then i will text you.
Robert: oh great!
Her
fingers were not cooperating when she put in the number in her contacts and
then wrote a short text message. He wrote back instantaneously.
Kristin: it worked!
Robert: yes!
Kristin: just don’t randomly text me if I haven’t
written to you.
Robert: if you don’t want me to I won’t.
Kristin: thanks!
She got
very uncomfortable all of a sudden. This, what they were doing got a bit soiled
all at once.
La, la, la, la don’t think about
that! La, la, la, la.
Robert: Do you ever feel misplaced where
you live?
Kristin: Oh, yes sometimes I feel like I am
from another planet.
Robert: Right?
Kristin: I feel like people here have no
idea how the world really works. They seem disconnected from nature and each
other.
Robert: Yes I know what you mean. I guess
when you grow up the way we did with nature right outside your door you are
bound to feel connected to the world in a different way than people that grow
up in the suburbs.
Kristin: Yes, I try to instill that in my
children but it is hard here. We try to be outside a lot and we have a garden.
We even go and climb trees.
Robert: you climb trees? That is good!
Kristin: Yeah we do! I think it gives them a sense that we don’t
need TV or cellphones or other modern things to have a good life.
Robert: I agree! The modern world is
detached from what it used to be stitched together by.
Kristin: Yes! And a lot of people here seem
to be helpless or at least not self-sufficient. And no common sense what so
ever.
Robert: I know that you mean, my students
are coddled and lazy.
Kristin: Well I guess if your life is too
easy you tend to end up like that.
Robert: Yes and you don’t appreciate
anything.
Kristin: lol we sound like some kind of
rebellious, luddite propaganda group.
Robert: ha!
Robert: I am going to a lecture tonight so
I won’t be able to talk to you but text me or call me tomorrow when you are on
your way.
Kristin: ok will do.
Robert: do you eat scrambled eggs?
Kristin: yes
Robert: good then I will make you some
tomorrow when you arrive if you are hungry.
14.
“If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older.”
Tom Stoppard
“Kristin!” Her mother had her head out the
kitchen window. “Dinner time!”
Everybody in the whole area was out tonight.
Probably 25 kids involved in a big exciting hide and seek game. Someone had
come up with a new variation; instead of counting someone kicked a football as
far as possible and then you could free everybody by kicking the same ball
again. Karen, Kristin’s best friend was there and they had been running around
for hours.
“Dinner time!” her mother yelled again.
Kristin grabbed Karen’s hand.
“Come!” she said and they ran into the
building. The shadowy stairwell was a wall of darkness after the bright evening
sun. They had to feel their way up to the apartment.
When they came into the apartment she could
smell hotdogs.
“Mom, can Karen stay for dinner?” She called
out.
“Sure,” her mother said happily from the
kitchen.
Kristin ate four hot dogs with buns and lots
of ketchup. Karen eat three, she never seemed to be as hungry as Kristin.
“More etchup,” Emma said and pointed to her
plate.
Jonas ate two then he left to watch TV.
Her mother had her hair in rollers; she was
going to a party later. Underneath the robe she was wearing a light green dress
with big pink flowers and she had been sitting with her feet on the coffee
table last night painting her toenails neon pink.
As soon as they were done, they left.
“Be back before its dark. I’m leaving later!”
Her mother called after them.
When they found the other ones again, the game
had moved to the woods. No problem for either of them since every kid in town
knew the woods by heart. If you didn’t there was something wrong with you or
you were different beyond reconciliation.
By now the soles of Kristin’s feet were hard and brown and she could run
and climb everywhere. Her shoes stood in the hallway waiting for school to
start.
The two girls sprinted away when the ball was
kicked. Kristin didn’t see where Karen went but she found a good hiding spot
behind and kind of under two big rocks. She pressed in her body and laid still.
Only just breathing, not moving a muscle but with her eyes wide open.
“Here I come!” the boy screamed after he had
found the ball and placed it at the right spot.
She heard a few groans and complaints when
someone was found. And she heard the rustling of the searcher’s feet. Closer,
closer, closer! Now she saw the dark
blue sneakers with white stripes. But still she didn’t move or hardly breathe.
You
can’t see me, you can’t see me. Look the other way! Look the other way.
The feet stopped, stood still for a moment
then turned and walked away again.
Soon they started to call for her.
“Kristin! Where are you?”
“Kristin! You can come out now.”
“Kristin!”
But she kept lying completely still.
I
can lie here all night if I have to. You will never find me! I never give up!
But then she heard Karen’s voice.
“Kristin, I have to go home now. Can you come
out?”
She turned her body slightly and saw the blue
sky up above. It had started to turn lighter, almost white, which meant that
the sun was about to set. She sighed and crawled out from her hiding spot.
“Here I am.”
Karen stood almost alone under the trees; most
other kids had gone home already. She had her hand on her hip and looked
annoyed.
“Come on! We have to go home. I don’t have any
lights on my bike.”
After Karen had gone home and mommy had left,
she sat in front of the TV. Her mother had bought a can of Cherry Coke for her
and she had popped popcorn. For some reason she wasn’t sure of, it was always
hard to go to bed when no one was home. Strangely enough it felt more secure
with a bunch of drunken grownups in the apartment than being all alone. She
would stay up as long as she could muster. Keep a watchful eye. Make sure
nothing happened until mommy came back.
15.
They ripple
tensely, they can hardly contain their happiness
That we have come
They bow shyly as
wet swans. They love each other.
There is no
loneliness like theirs.
James Wright
She was so nervous on the subway she couldn’t sit
down. She turned up the iPod until the music bounced off her eardrums. But the
thoughts kept popping around in her head. Bouncing into each other in a rapid
speed.
What
if he is a serial killer? Maybe he will rape me, kill me, chop me up into
little pieces and feed me to the cat? Or maybe put me in the freezer or dump me
in the river. No one knows where I am.
But at least he is known, he is a professor. But no one knows where I am. What
if someone sees me, what am I supposed to say then?
She looked around, no one she knew.
I
won’t have sex! That is too much, I won’t have sex. Maybe he will rape me, what
will I do then? But he seems so nice. What if I fall in love, what will I do
then? Maybe I am in love already? Can you be in love after one meeting? I hope
he won’t kill me!
50th street, 60th street, 76th
street and then it was time to get off. She had memorized the directions in her
head. The neighborhood was nice. One of her favorite classes in College had
been architectural history and walking here was a flashback to those days. The
streets were bordered with Beaux-Arts, Neo-Gothic and New Renaissance
buildings, and actually a bit hilly. Kristin missed hills; she had never felt
completely at ease in the flat landscape where she now lived. If she hadn’t
been so nervous she could have walked here for hours, maybe another time.
The doorman opened the door for her and let her into
a magnificent marble foyer with Tiffany style stained glass windows and gold
doors. She felt like exactly like the poor country girl she was when she was
little.
Don’t
stare, act normal. Smile, don’t stare!
She smiled at
the doorman and said exactly what Robert had told her to say.
“I am here to see Robert in 10 B.”
The doorman rang up to the apartment.
Fancy!
Not even two minutes passed but it felt like an
eternity before the doorman finally showed her the way to the elevator. By now
she was close to lightheaded from anticipation and nerves. The elevator was the
old fashioned kind made of wood and with wrought iron doors. She looked over at the doorman; he was younger
than her. Maybe in his mid-twenties; he stared straight ahead as the rickety
elevator moved upwards.
“Is the elevator as old as the building?” she asked.
At first it seemed like he wouldn’t answer but then
he broke out in a friendly, warm smile.
“Yes, but they changed the wiring.”
Kristin laughed.
“That is comforting,” she said and the doorman
laughed too.
She stepped out into the hallway, and what a
hallway, a crooked narrow maze. The first door she saw was 10 E. Confused she
looked around; then she heard a door open and his voice calling out for her.
“This way!”
She walked towards the voice and found her way.
He stood with the door cracked waiting for her. She
could barely look at his face; she was so nervous. He was dressed in a hooded
sweatshirt and jeans. No socks she noticed.
“Come in.”
He opened the door wider and she stepped in.
“Should I give you a hug?” she asked as she put her
bag down on the floor.
“Of course,” he said.
A quick hug, she didn’t even notice his smell. She
took off her jacket and had to stand on her tiptoes to reach on the hooks on
the closet door.
“This place is clearly made for someone that is tall.”
He chuckled a little.
His apartment was exactly how she had imagined and
when she walked into the bedroom/living room it felt like she had been there a
thousand times before. The place was
habitual to her. Not only the wood floors; the same feeling as walking in her
grandfather’s house. But also the white walls and the heavy dark wood furniture
that reminded her of her grandfather’s living room. The bookcases were filled
to the brim with books, and a hyacinth in a vase on a small table.
I
could live here. This could be my place.
A small calico cat came out from underneath the blue
sofa.
“This is Keats,” Robert said and picked up the cat.
The cat started to purr loudly in his arms.
“Hi cat,” she said and petted its head. She saw the
naked paw and the strange serrated wound. As usual when she saw a wound on
someone else she shivered and got a little nauseous, not because it made her
sick to her stomach but because she could feel the pain in her body.
The electricity between them was tangible; it was
even hard to breathe straight. And she didn’t dare to meet his eyes. If she did
she would probably jump all over him. All she wanted was to go straight up to him
and put her arms around him, bury her face against his neck. But she didn’t
dare to; she was after all the one that was married and maybe he didn’t feel it
the way she did.
They made
some small talk about the apartment (they agreed that since the layout was not
a normal apartment layout it probably used to be the maids quarters.), the
paintings, the books (she could have stood in front of his bookcases all day
long, she dragged her finger along the backs of the books, touched it the way
you touch a treasure) and his life.
They moved effortlessly around each other, the way
you do with someone you have known your whole life. Water in a creek gliding
over the rocks with no resistance. The hunter and the dog; no words necessary
for understanding. A wolf pack on hunt; each individual has its own role but
they all cooperate without effort. Naturalness perfected!
She could
feel how she slowly relaxed and with the relaxation came the hunger. The one
apple and two strawberries for her nervous breakfast were clearly wearing off.
“What about those eggs you promised?” she asked.
“Sure,” he said and got up from the sofa. She walked
after him out in the tiny kitchen and sat down on the windowsill. Watched him
as he cracked the eggs, melted butter in the pan and made scrambled eggs. It
felt as natural as if they had done this
a million times. She might as well have been at her brother’s or her grandpa’s
house.
When
did someone cook for me last? I can’t remember. He is cooking for me!
While he cleaned up she walked back out into the
other room. Keats was lying on the bed. A ball of multicolored fur. She didn’t
hesitate as she lay down on the bed and started to talk to the cat. There was
no doubt in her mind that this was ok to do. When Robert came out with their
plates he affectionately patted her feet that were sticking out over the edge
of the bed. The touch was familiar and satisfying.
The eggs were good, perfectly cooked and with just
enough milk to make them creamy. After they had finished eating she could feel
the tension in the air. Stronger than before, a thickness in between them. You
could cut it with a knife and it would bleed red hot.
“So,” she said, trying to ease the tension. “What
should we do now? Do you have any pictures?”
He tilted his head to the side and looked at her
with narrow eyes again.
“I do have pictures,” he moved a little closer to
her on the sofa, “but I would like to try something first”
And he reached over, cupped her face with one hand
and kissed her. The whole outside world ceased to exist at that moment. And he
nibbled on her lip, exactly the way she loved. And he tasted so good! She heard herself whimper in a way she hadn’t
heard in a long time. This kiss went straight down to her groin. And tentacles
shot out into her whole body and made it tingle.
Closer! She wanted to get closer to him so she
climbed on top of him and straddled him. He kissed her neck, her collarbones,
all the places she loved. After a long, long, long moment of intense kissing
she was dizzy and warm and wet. She couldn’t remember when someone had kissed
her this way. Had someone ever kissed
her like this?
She took several deep breaths and put her head on
his shoulder.
“Are you ok?” he asked.
“Yes, you just made me dizzy.”
She gave him a kiss on his neck.
“I just need to calm down a bit.”
She curled up in his arms; of course she fit there
perfectly. She twirled his chest hair
that was sticking out of his sweater. They were even breathing in the same
rhythm. Slowly and peacefully. The urge to cry overcame her but she was able to
hold it back. This was all she ever had looked for. This harmony and ease.
Almost too good to be true.
For a long time they sat completely quiet.
“Why doesn’t this feel wrong?
“Because it is right,” he said.
She sniggered.
“Is it that simply?”
“Sure,” he said, “I have learned not to constantly
ask why and enjoy the moment.”
“I wish I could do that.”
“You will,” he said certainly, “It comes with age.”
She laughed.
“So what about those pictures?”
She sat close to him and looked at pictures from his
cottage in Maine. The reddish beige cliffs, ragged against the ocean. Pine
trees and spruces, tall, reaching towards the clear blue sky. And the water,
clear, cold and wild. He told her how the fog comes rolling in from the sea and
can encapsulate everything, making it hard to see and even hear clearly. She
did not let go of him the whole time. A hand on his chest and another around
his neck.
How
can this feel so good? Why don’t I feel guilty? Why do I feel like I am home?
“It makes me sad that I can’t go for more than ten
days this year. I don’t like the City in the heat. But I have to finish this
book I am writing.”
“Well,” she said, “maybe I can help.”
He squeezed her hand.
“I was hoping you would say that.”
As soon as they were done with the pictures he
grabbed hold of her again. The intensity from before doubled. His hands were
squeezing every part of her body. Hard, close to painful but perfectly
enjoyable and very arousing.
“Are you examining me?” she said amused.
“Yes! You seem to have all the important parts”
Then his hands were down inside of her jeans and he
grabbed hold of her butt.
I
could do this all day! This is soo good!
The arousal
crooned in her body. Filled it with hot honey. Her fingers prickled, her arms,
her stomach, her pelvis. And her breasts started to ache, strangely close to
the same sensation as when her children had latched on as babies. This was
primal!
He
is a big bear devouring me!
She had to pull back again, this was too intense,
she was about to lose herself.
“You know what, I am kind of hungry,” she said and
stood up.
“You are a glutton!”
“This whole situation has made me lose weight and
then I get hungry. But I am always kind of hungry.”
“Me too! Another thing in common I guess.”
He stood up and led her to the kitchen.
“I have crab legs. Do you like crab?”
She hesitated.
“Depends on what part. I don’t like the green brown
goo in the middle of the crab.”
“Of course not!” he sounded appalled, “who likes
that?”
“My mother.”
“But that tastes like the bottom of the sea.”
“I know, it is disgusting but she slurps it up.”
He opened the refrigerator; brought out a package
with long thorny crab legs. Cracked them
open, squeezed some lemon on top and gave her a piece.
“Wow! Soo good!”
The tender white meat; sweet and salty at the same
time. She took more until she realized he wasn’t eating as fast as she was.
“Here,” she said and put a piece in his mouth. “I’m
eating all your crab.”
They stood by the counter feeding each other. She
stood as close as she could, felt his body next to hers.
I
don’t want to go home! Can I just stay here forever with this man, at this moment?
Let this never ever end.
The rest of the day was spent in his big bed;
talking, touching and exploring, eating each other. Her body was made to lie
next to his. Her hip fit together with his, her leg swung over his, her toes
reached his. Caressed them and he caressed back.
No
one has ever done that!
She got up on her elbow and looked down at him.
“Where were you when I was 25?”
“I guess I was teaching then and married.”
She stroked his chest, his shoulders, his neck.
He
is beautiful.
“I should have stolen you.”
“I would have
been easily stolen then.”
Back on the subway and she stunk. Stunk of him, and
bodies pressed together for hours and hands that hand been rubbing her body.
And his mouth on her neck and on her breasts. The thought of a shower came to
her but she realized that she didn’t want to shower. To shower him away from
her body would make what they had into something dirty and wrong. And to her it
was pure and right and wonderful.
On the train she texted him.
Thank you for a
wonderful day. I haven’t been this at ease in a very long time.
He wrote back instantly
That makes me very happy to hear.
She bent her face to her shoulder and breathed in
the smell of him. Deep, aromatic, strongly intimate.
Perhaps I should come more often, maybe once a week. If
you want me that often?
He answered right away.
Of course I do!
When she stepped off the train she noticed that the
Japanese cherry trees that lined Main Street were blooming. White pink puffs of
beauty. Something had happened to her this day. All the tension inside of her
was gone. Robert’s touch had made her muscles relax but something more
important had happened.
She felt alive and tender, touched in a way that had
never happened before. There were parts
of her soul that had been hibernating for a long time; today they had come out
of their shelter. Stretched their stiff legs, turned their faces to the sun and
yawned. Awake again after a long hard winter.
16.
“Every
heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who
wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a
poet.”
Plato
Kristin
rushed up the stairs, two steps at the time. She was going to pick up Emma and
Jonas at Mrs. Henke’s but she had to pee first. Desperate bladder exploding
pee.
She
put the key into the keyhole and turned it but she only locked the door. Her
mom must be home. Why was she home? Was
she sick? The answer stood in the middle of the hallway. Two big black
boots. Her daddy’s shoes!
Kristin’s
heart split in two. One part was dancing, skipping and jumping with joy. The
other half dried and crumbled up into black little pieces of anxiety.
Her
mom was sitting by the kitchen table dressed in her baby blue robe. Her red
hair was messy, her cheeks flushed and she smiled that puppy smile she always
had when daddy was back.
“Daddy
is back?” Kristin asked even though she knew the answer.
Her
mother rubbed the ashes of the cigarette and put down the half smoked one on
the end of the ashtray.
“Yes,
he’s sleeping. Don’t wake him up!” her mother said but there wasn’t much power
behind her voice.
Kristin
shook her head and ran across the living room to her parents’ bedroom. As
carefullyl as she could muster she opened the door. The blinds were down and
the room smelled of something that Kristin wasn’t entirely sure of.
He
was sleeping on his stomach with the blanket up to his waist. Her daddy! She
tiptoed over to the bed and crawled in. She curled up next to him and put her
nose on his shoulder. She took a deep breath. He smelled so good! Her daddy!
The
longing and the thirst inside of her lessened. She put her arm across his back
and her head next to his. And she fell asleep.
Jonas
was angry as usual when daddy came home. Emma screamed her lungs out when daddy
tried to hug her. Kristin wouldn’t leave his side.
“Did
you miss me, little girl?” he asked and picked her up and sat her in his lap.
“Yes
daddy,” she said and put her arms around his neck and leaned her cheek against
his flannel shirt. Right above his heart. She knew something no one else knew;
that his heart and her heart were beating at the same speed and rhythm. Because
they were the same.
Kristin
moved closer and closer to the kitchen, she desperately wanted to hear what
they were talking about. Jonas and Emma were lost in the TV show but what was
going on in the kitchen was far more interesting to Kristin.
“I
don’t understand! Why do you take him back?”
Her
mother’s best friend, Mary, sounded confused, even close to angry.
“Because
I love him,” her mother said softly.
“Linda!
He is no good for you!”
“I
know,” her mother sighed, “but I still love him and he is a wonderful father.”
Kristin
slid off the couch and moved silently so she could sit just outside the door.
“A
wonderful father?” Mary’s voice had turned the corner into pure anger, “He
drinks! He fights! He leaves! Doesn’t sound like a wonderful father to me!”
She
could hear how her mother got up from her chair and moved over to the counter.
A few moments later the percolator started to make its distinctive sound. Putt,
putt, putt.
“He
loves his children” her mother’s voice was filled with tenderness, “he can’t
help that he’s haunted by demons.”
Mary
laughed and sighed in one sound.
“Oh,
Linda, I wish you wouldn’t take be so naïve.”
Her
mother huffed, a sound filled with discontent.
“Everybody
only sees his bad sides,” now her mother’s voice started to get angry, “everybody
except me!”
The
two women sat quietly for a long time. Her mother got up again and poured the
coffee and soon the cigarette smoke mixed with smell of the coffee reached
Kristin . Mary would probably stay awhile.
“I
wish” her mother started gently, “I wish I didn’t take him back. I know he is
no good for me.” Her voice faltered for a moment, “But when he is not here, I
feel hollow. I’m always relieved at first when he leaves but after a few days.”
Her mother stopped short. “And when he comes back,” she laughed ruefully, “then
everything is right again.”
Then
the two women were quiet again until her mother jumped up from her chair.
“I
really have to put the kids to bed,” she said, alarmed.
“I
can wait,” Mary said.
Kristin
moved over to the couch again and pretended to watch Scooby Doo. Emma was lying
down with her thumb in her mouth, almost asleep.
“Ok,
bedtime,” her mother said and picked up Emma from the floor.
“I
don’t want to,” Emma whined tiredly. Her mother paid no attention to the little
girl.
“You
two, “she said and pointed to Jonas and Kristin “brush your teeth and wash up.”
Emma
was already sleeping when Kristin was done in the bathroom. Her mother stood in
the hallway.
“Could
you read to Jonas tonight?” she asked and caressed Kristin’s hair.
Annoyed,
she looked down at the floor.
“I
promise I will read tomorrow,” her mother said.
Kristin
nodded but didn’t look at her.
As
soon as Jonas was asleep she left the bedroom and snuck back to her spot by the
kitchen door.
“When
he touches me, when he kisses me,” her mother let out a deep sigh, “nothing
else exists!”
Mary
snickered and this made her mother laugh.
“You
know other men are good in bed too?”
Now
the two women laughed again. Kristin was not sure what they were talking about,
but what she heard in their voices made her excited.
“I
know that,” her mother said, “but this is different. I mean sex can be good
with almost anyone. As long as he knows what he’s doing.”
This
made Mary laugh out loud.
“But when Jimmy touches me my whole body
aches, and my soul and,” her mother’s voice faded again, “I can’t explain it!”
“You are too soft, Linda, too romantic. Too
loving!” Mary’s voice was not resentful, only filled with compassion.
“I know,” her mother said, “but as long as I
can be with him it’s worth it.”
Her mother got up again and poured some more
coffee.
“You know he sees other women?” Mary asked
carefully.
At first, her mother said nothing.
“I know,” she said eventually,” he needs it,
he is a Leo after all”
Mary sniggered again.
“Oh yeah, that is clear! He likes to be in the
middle of all that female attention just like a male lion.”
“He needs the hunt,” her mother said, “he
likes the thrill,” she sighed deeply. “He needs his freedom. I can’t tie him to
me, and trust me I have tried. Every time I try, he runs”
“With his tail between his legs!” Mary said
coldly.
