Chapter 5-6

5.

“Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody. I've got some money 'cause I just got paid

Now, how I wish I had someone to talk to

I'm in an awful way”

Sam Cooke

 

Did she sleep? She probably did, a bit at least, but at five she was up again and by the computer. Another email was waiting for her.

Good night Kristin,

I had a wonderful time at my favorite place tonight, but I must confess I spent some of the time thinking of you. What have you done to me?

I meet this girl, spend a few hours with her and now I can’t stop thinking about her.

I’m off to bed soon; tomorrow I think I will take a walk in the morning and try to write some more. Nothing like exercise to awaken the spirits of inspiration.

Hope to hear from you soon!

Robert

She stared at the email with a strange mix of happiness and unease.

I have to tell him I’m married. I really do!

Saturday morning, she could have slept until the kids woke up. But no, here she was reading emails from a man she hardly knew. And the way they made her feel; oh shit, this is not good. But, oh so great!  She had always been a sucker for words; they went straight into her heart and soul.

Good morning Robert,

I actually spent quite some time yesterday thinking about you, too. And I couldn’t sleep! I’m not entirely sure it is purely spring restlessness.

A walk sounds lovely! I think I will try to do some work in my garden today.

Kristin

 

Saturday mornings had always been pancake mornings and normally she was relaxed and at ease but not today. John made the pancakes too slow, the kids talked to her too much and the mess in the kitchen afterwards made her cringe.

When John was in the shower she turned on the computer again.

Good morning Kristin,

My sleep was also shallow last night. I kept thinking of you Little Wolf.

This is beyond weird! What is happening to me?

I don’t know if you ever have used the chat, but perhaps we could give it a try one day.

She heard the shower and how John was singing something.

“Mommy!” Jack called.

“I will be right there! Five minutes!” she yelled back.

My father used to call me Little Wolf! How peculiar that you use the same words.

Sure, a chat sounds like fun. Maybe tonight at 8?

 

“Mommy! I pooped!”  Jack’s voice was close to screeching. She turned off the computer and ran downstairs. She felt how hot her cheeks were.

The morning dragged by. Had her life always been this slow? Nothing could distract her enough to keep her from thinking about Robert. After lunch John suggested they go to the playground. She jumped on the suggestion, happy to get out of the house for a few hours. But no matter how hard she played with the kids she kept thinking about him.

After the playground they went out for ice cream. A nice family on a nice day doing nice things. Kristin fidgeted through the whole afternoon. Eventually, John told her to take a walk. But that didn’t really help either. The only thing that gave her some peace was to dig in the garden. She dug, and pulled weeds and worked until the sweat was pouring down her back.

When she finally got to sit by the computer she was so nervous she hardly could contain herself. Her brother had sent her a video of the ice breaking up on the lake. He yelled, “Check this out sis,” and panned the whole lake. The delicate cracking noise filled her ears. Early this year!

She was just about to read another email when the grey dot next to his name turned green. Within 20 seconds a message showed up.

Robert: Hi Kristin, are you up for a chat?

He wrote and she gasped for air. She listened carefully for John; she could hear how he talked quietly to Anna through the wall.

Kristin: Hi Robert, how are you?

Robert: I am good! Had a productive day; finished the chapter I was working on, cleaned up a bit and went out for a long walk.

Kristin: Sounds like you had a nice day. The weather was great today.

Robert: yes gorgeous out today. made me wonder if the ice up on the lake has broken yet.

Kristin: funny you say that. my brother just sent me a video from today showing how the ice had started to break. they are all very excited!

Robert: Right? i remember that. did you guys also swim on may 1?

Kristin: No! that is crazy! you did that?

Robert: lol. Yes we did. Someone came up with the idea and we all jumped in. froze our balls off!

Kristin: I can imagine!

She heard John say good night to Anna and how he walked downstairs. She sat frozen until she could hear through the floor how he turned on the TV.

Robert: are your parents still up there too?

Kristin: only my mom. my father passed a few years ago.

Robert: sorry to hear that. my mother passed a few years ago too. It was hard.

Kristin: sorry to hear that too. yes even though you are a grownup it still hurts.

Robert: hell yeah! are you close to your mother?

Kristin: yes, I wish I could see her more often. Where is your father?

Robert: he never was around much. I have seen him only a few times.

Kristin: sorry!

Robert: it is ok. he wasn’t a good father anyway.

Kristin: sorry! my father was a strange mix of wonderful and horrible.

Robert: how come?

Strange, even though so many years had passed she still felt uncomfortable talking about her father’s weaknesses.

Kristin: well, he was an alcoholic with a thirst for freedom and women. But at the same time he was a very loving and tender man.

Robert: that must have been confusing when you were small.

Kristin: yes very! Then he disappeared when I was 11 and didn’t come back until I was in college.

Robert: disappeared?

Kristin: yes he left, no one knew where he was. He had left before but then he always came back after a couple of months. but he was gone for 10 years.

Robert: wow! What happened when he came back?

Kristin: she took him back.

Robert: What???

Kristin: my mother took him back without any hesitation.

Robert: why?

Kristin: she said she loved him. Then they had 12 wonderful years together before he died.

 

Both of them sat quiet for a while. She didn’t really know what to write and she guessed he didn’t either.

 

Robert: I don’t really know what to say except that it is amazing that your mother could forgive him and take him back.

Kristin: I was so angry with her and him. But she kept saying that she loved him and eventually I couldn’t be angry with him anymore.

Robert: I guess that is called true love.

Kristin: yeah! she always blamed it on the fact that he was a Leo. That the lion in him made him restless and he couldn’t help himself to go out and hunt.

Robert: he was a Leo?????

Kristin: yes

Robert: amazingly strange! I am a Leo too!

Kristin: uh oh

Robert: lol you have an advantage here. You already know what kind of man I am.

Kristin: great! Now we will either drive each other crazy or adore each other. or a combination like me and my father.

Robert: lol! I like your idea of a passionate connection.

I have to tell him I am married. I really do!

At 9:15 they said good bye. They had talked about his book project, their favorite movies, their favorite food, and their favorite songs. He had shown breathtakingly beautiful pictures from his cottage in Maine. His escape from the City life and he had asked if she wanted to come along one day. And they had talked about books and poets and things she hadn’t talked about in forever. And they gingerly touched the subject on how they felt.

She hadn’t laughed this much in; to be honest she didn’t even remember. She hadn’t been this intrigued in; perhaps ever. She sat smiling by the computer for another half an hour before she walked downstairs to say good night to John. Her face was flushed and she was jittery.

She fell asleep with a smile. He is like me. The only one I ever met.

 

At 3:30 she woke up with a sense of panic.

I have to tell him I am married. I really do!

She twisted and turned in the bed so much that it had awakened John.

“What is wrong?” he mumbled.

“I can’t sleep,” she whispered. “I think I will go and lay on the couch for a while.”

John was already asleep again when she left with her pillow.

She sat in the dark by the kitchen table wrapped in a blanket. Stared at the clock on the microwave; watched the numbers change and at 4:45 she got up and turned on the computer.

She started to write a letter.

One chilly March day a married woman with two children takes the train to the City. She has had a hard week battling demons from her past; this battle always leaves her with a hollow in her chest and a longing for something more. And she is tired of being lonely, and homesick and bitter.

This day she decides to do something she normally doesn’t do, to keep that hollow at bay. If she had known what would happen that day. If she had known who she would meet, she would probably have stayed home in her secure but tedious world.

Because she meets a man; an extraordinary meeting, an extraordinary man. And there is an instant connection. And he fills that hollow with something. He talks to her in way she hasn’t experienced in a long time, perhaps ever.

She doesn’t tell him that she is married. Why would she do such a thing, you might ask. The answer is not simple, if it was she never would have done it. Her whole life she has practiced being someone else; especially when things are hard or when things hurt. She can pretend and suppress things better than anyone.

She could simply have ignored this man, never contacted him again but he has touched her in a way she never could imagine. She doesn’t believe in love at first sight, she doesn’t believe in fate or destiny but this extraordinary meeting happened anyway and it is not leaving her any peace. She decides to be truthful, even if this means she might lose him before she even got to know him. 

This is where the story ends and my apologies start. I am so sorry I wasn’t truthful. I am so sorry that I tricked you. I will understand if you don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. But I want you to know; that everything I said I feel is true and I will always be grateful to know that you exist.”

When she was done she found his address on the internet; surprisingly simple since he was the only one with the name in the City. She printed out the letter, put it in an envelope and sealed it. All the while with a horrible sinking feeling in her chest and nauseous waves in her stomach.

He will never talk to me again. I will lose him before I had a chance to know him.

This thought was more agonizing than she ever could imagine. She walked in her pjs down to the mailbox on the corner and dropped in the envelope.  

 Then she sat with the blanket around her watching the sun slowly rise; filled with a raw ball of sorrow.

 

 

 

                                    6.

“Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely,

"and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”

                                                                    Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

 

Within the pink roses and blue buds on the wallpaper were images of dogs. One pink rose looked like a bulldog, another looked like a poodle and a third looked like a small Jack Russell.  She turned on her side and looked at Jonas and Emma sleeping in the bunk bed on the other side of the room.  Through the open window she heard how grandpa let the dogs out in the yard and she could hear how they ran around chasing each other. She slid out of bed and left the small bedroom.

Grandpa was frying bacon in the old black cast-iron skillet when she came downstairs.

“Good morning,” he said and poured out the bacon onto the big brown plate he always used.

“Good morning grandpa,” Kristin said and sat down by the wooden table.

“Did you sleep well?” He tousled her hair before he went over to the fridge and brought out the big tray with eggs.

“Yes” She reached across the table and grabbed the newspaper. Grandpa was the only one she knew who subscribed to not only one, but two newspapers. One local and the New York Times. 

“Why don’t you read some articles for me while I cook the eggs?”

Kristin opened the local newspaper and started to read. Grandpa cracked ten eggs in a bowl, whisked them with milk and a pinch of salt and poured them into the same skillet he had used for the bacon.

Mrs. Johnson had won a pie contest with her famous strawberry and cherry pie.  The library was going to have a book sale.  A local politician had been caught with a teenage girl in a motel room. After this article grandpa, mumbled something she didn’t hear.

“Go and wake the others,” he said and put the skillet with the eggs on the table.

Kristin ran up the stairs again and flung the door open.

“Breakfast,” she yelled and pulled up the blinds, and then she ran down the stairs again.

Here she was free of responsibility! She didn’t have to watch her step or worry about what would happen next. She came to a sliding stop on the kitchen floor.

“Are they coming?” Grandpa asked.

When nothing happened for a few minutes he went upstairs and Kristin started to eat. She put a heap of eggs and bacon on her plate. Nobody made better eggs than grandpa.

 

After breakfast, it was time to tend to the horses. Kristin ran first, Jonas came second and Emma sat on Grandpa’s shoulders.

She was first at the fence and climbed through it to the pasture. The Indian ponies grandpa kept came walking slowly towards her. Their heads rocking as they walked. Brown, white, black and speckled. Long wild manes and dark eyes deep as a well. Her favorite, the smallest one, walked up to her and nuzzled her shoulder. Kristin took a deep breath in and put her arms around the strong neck.

“Sweet girl,” she whispered into its ear.

Put her hands under the mane, caressed the gleaming skin. Moved her hands down the body until they rested on the pony’s back.

“May I?” She asked before she climbed up.

The horse stood absolutely still until she was sitting securely on its back.

Jonas, Grandpa and Emma stood by the fence when they came walking.

“Be back by lunch,” Grandpa said before he opened the gate and let them out.

 

She let the pony decide where to go and at what speed. Sometimes they ran, sometimes they walked and sometimes she laid on its back while the pony reached for the green grass. The sun was high in the pale blue sky and baked down on her back. She could feel the sunrays burn through her t-shirt. Golden patterns of pure ease.

For lunch they sat outside under the big maple tree. Ate fresh potatoes and vegetables from grandpa’s garden with greasy sausages.  After lunch it was nap time; Kristin would never even consider napping anywhere else but here. Naps were for babies!

Grandpa lay in the middle of the big bed and the children all around him. Emma curled up in between his legs. Jonas lay with his face against grandpa’s side and Kristin lay with her head on his shoulder and then he read. Tom Sawyer, Oliver Twist, The Secret Garden, A Thousand and One Nights, Anne of Green Gables and all of Grimm’s fairytales.

And of course her favorite, Alice in Wonderland. She had spent many hours searching for that rabbit hole in the woods behind the farm.  And she forced the others to sit and have tea at the table under the maple tree. She talked to grandpa’s striped cat, but it never answered. To her that was a good enough Cheshire Cat answer. Emma fell asleep almost instantly. Jonas lay quiet, pulling a little on grandpa’s shirt, sometimes he fell asleep.  But Kristin was wide awake, absorbing every word that he read.

At night she could stay up an hour later than the others. She laid on the rug in the living room with the two dogs next to her and a book under her nose. She was surrounded by heavy wood furniture, a wall made of oak and memories.  A chiffonier with glass doors filled with her grandmother’s old knickknacks. Two big bookcases with books from the floor to the ceiling. And the chest her grandmother had brought into the marriage filled with hand sewn sheets and towels. Kristin knew, even though she wasn’t supposed to look in there, that it now was filled with tiny little knitted and crocheted baby clothes that never had been worn.  

Grandpa sat in his old armchair, smoked his pipe and read.

“Grandpa?” she asked without looking up from the book.

“Hmm,” he said.

“When do you think they will come back?”

Grandpa took out the pipe and put it into the stone ashtray.

“You mother will be back soon, your father I am not sure. But you know I like when you are here?”

“I know grandpa.”

Mommy always came back first and always without daddy. Then they would have a few weeks or perhaps months of calmness before daddy came home. But it was always daddy she missed. With her whole body!