Chapter 3-4

“If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.”

                                                                        Mark Twain

At 11:30 the night before she had heard John coming home from work, the sound of the car on the driveway, the garage door and then how he entered the house. She had looked over at the alarm clock wondering when she would finally fall asleep.

When John came to bed at 12:30 she pretended that she was asleep and he didn’t notice that she wasn’t. He fell asleep quickly as usual and she laid in the dark listening to him breathing in his sleep. Every time her mind started to drift off the image of Robert popped in to her head. She almost felt hexed; like someone had put a spell on her. Her mind kept repeating their conversation from the day.  And the way he had narrowed his eyes when he had looked at her.

 Eventually, she must have dozed off because the next time she looked over at the alarm clock it was 4:30 in the morning. She really tried to fall back asleep but at 5:15 she gave up. The house was dark and quiet when she crept downstairs. The first thing she did was to turn on the computer.

Had he written back to her? Yes he had! Cold water trickled down her spine and her heart skipped a beat.

Hi Kristin,

I too had a really good time today! Our encounter and lunch kept me smiling the whole day. It’s not often you run into someone you have as much in common with as you and I seem to have”

Perhaps you would like to have lunch some other time?

Robert

The house was cold but that was not why she trembled. She rubbed her hands together and blew on the fingers. The heat wouldn’t kick on for another hour; they all slept well in the chilly house. But it was one thing to lay under a thick comforter and a completely different thing to sit in your pajamas.

Good morning Robert,

Yes, our meeting was surely unexpected and intriguing. And yes, I would love to have lunch with you some other time. I’m a bit busy at the moment but perhaps in a week or so.

Do you have any plans for the day?

Kristin

When she was done writing she was sweating and shaking.

I have to tell him I’m married! I really do!

She logged off and turned off the computer. Then she sat still trying to get her racing heart to calm down. Her hands were even shaking a little.

At 6.15 John woke up, soon after Anna came down to the kitchen.

“Mommy,” she said and pulled Kristin out of a pleasant daydream.

“Yes, sweetheart?”

Anna came up to her, climbed into her lap and wrapped the little arms around her neck. She put her face against the soft hair on the little girl’s head and breathed in the smell of baby shampoo. The hair was golden silk under her fingers and she gently combed it away from Anna’s face.

As they were sitting there in peace, Jack woke up. You instantly knew when he was awake; he would run across the floor with heavier footsteps than matched his body weight then he would throw up the door and yell.

“I am awake now!”

This morning was the opposite of the day before. Things moved so smoothly that Kristin started to anticipate that something horrible would happen. But no, it was simply one of those days when the gods smile upon you.

 They left the house in time and walked to school in bright and cool sunshine. One of the other mothers started to talk to her but all she could think of was to run home and turn on the computer and see if she had gotten another email.

“Sorry,” she said with an apologetic smile, “I have to go home and make a phone call.”

And she rushed home, turned on the computer and waited impatiently for it to boot. Yes! Yes! Yes! She mad a little victory dance on the floor. He had written back!

Good morning Kristin,

Wow! You are up early in the morning.

Let me know when you are free for lunch. Let’s keep in touch in the meantime.

Today’s plans are to do some research and hopefully finish the chapter I have been struggling with for the last few days. And perhaps reading one or two emails from you.

Tonight I’m meeting a friend for drinks and dinner at my favorite place in the City; where one sits outside by the water. It will be my first visit there this season. I’ll ride my bike there which always makes me happy.

What are you doing today?”

 

She walked back and forth in the house for a while. Cleaned up the after-breakfast mess in the kitchen, made the kid’s beds, and threw in some laundry but all she could think of was what to write to him. Him! Him! Him!

In the middle of walking upstairs she froze. What am I doing? Why am I so happy that this man is writing back to me? Am I cheating now?

Ignore and suppress! Ignore and suppress! Ignore and suppress!

And I deserve some fun too!

After about an hour, she was back by the computer.

Well the early bird catches the worm…to be honest I’m not a very good sleeper.

Don’t know if you have been outside yet today but it’s a beautiful and crisp spring morning.

Today I will go grocery shopping and try to avoid buying too much junk food. Wonder what would happen with the population if the government removed all sodas, candy, cookies and snacks? Perhaps an uprising or revolution?

Sounds like you will have a nice evening with your friend. I actually have a bike too, so convenient and good for the environment.

 

After she had put in apples and pears in her cart at the store she realized she had forgotten the shopping list. She tried to remember what it said.

Apples

Pears

Bananas

Potatoes

Carrots

Tomatoes

Then a strong urge filled her up. She desperately wanted to leave her cart behind, go to the train station and jump on the next train headed for the City. Then she would walk from one restaurant to another along the waterline and look for him. Stunned, she dropped the bag of tomatoes on the floor. Surely, she must be hexed! Or why would she feel this strongly for a man she spent a mere four hours with.

Love at first sight? No, she had never believed in that nonsense, she didn’t even believe in destiny or faith.

She tried as hard as she could to not turn on the computer for the rest of the morning. She cleaned out the fridge, she folded the laundry and went outside to pull some insignificant, tiny little weeds.  But right before she left to pick up Jack she couldn’t resist anymore. And he had written to her again.

Ha! A junk food revolution! The country is in need of some change. A lot of my students are already obese or overweight. And they have no passion or dreams left. Should I blame the parents or their diet of junk food?

Next time I see you I will take you to my favorite place and we can watch the boats go by. I have always dreamt of being a captain on a riverboat, to be close to the water and be able to glide by life on land. To be in the midst of everything and at the same time merely a spectator.

I was outside a little while ago for a long walk. It is a wonderful day! Reminds me of spring back home by the lake.

She sat and read his email five times before she realized she had to run get Jack.

 

Out of breath, she rushed down the stairs to pre-school.

“Does anyone have any questions?”

That was all she heard of what the teacher had told the others. She shook her head; feeling like a kid in third grade tumbling through the door into the classroom too late.

“Ok,” the teacher said and opened the door, “Jack, you are our leader today. Come on out!”

Jack came prancing out with a big grin on his face.

“Mommy!” he screamed when he saw her and ran up to her. Everybody in the line smiled.

“Hi bumblebee!” she said and picked him up. He started to get heavy but she couldn’t resist; after all he was her baby. “What did you do today? Did you have a good day?”

Jack put his head close to hers and whispered into her ear.

“It’s a secret! But we had cupcakes.”

She could smell the frosting all over his face.

No lunch today either!

 

At two o’clock they left to pick up Anna. Jack had a sandwich in his hand and he talked non-stop the whole way. Kristin listened absentmindedly; to write to Robert had been the most intellectual stimulating experience she had had in a long time. That part of her brain hadn’t been used for ages.  All she ever talked about was her kids or someone else’s kids, or what to cook for dinner, or who should do laundry. Or something else that felt absolutely uninteresting and boring.

Anna came bouncing out with her pigtails flying, hand in hand with her best friend Isabella. The two little girls’ features were the complete opposite of each other. She gave Anna a hug and kiss before she turned to Isabella.

“Hi Isabella, how are you?”

“Good, have you seen my grandma?”

Kristin looked around.

“No, but you can wait here with us until she comes”

“Ok,” the little girl said with the kind of trust a child has who never had been let down by any grown-ups.

A few minutes later Isabella’s grandma showed up, red faced and apologetic.

The rest of the sunny spring afternoon was spent outside. The kids played by themselves for a while then they had a snack. Then it was time for dinner. A regular, normal day in Kristin’s life but on this day she felt no satisfaction at all, only agitation.

The last thing she did before she went to bed was to check her emails. He hadn’t written to her since this morning. Sure, she hadn’t written to him either but she still got disappointed. Annoyed, she went to bed.

 

           

                                                4.

 

“Light is meaningful only in relation to darkness, and truth presupposes error. It is these mingled opposites which people our life, which make it pungent, intoxicating. We only exist in terms of this conflict, in the zone where black and white clash.”

Louis Aragon

 

“Don’t lie! Say what you mean and mean what you say! Keep your promises!”

That was what grandpa said.

“Yes, grandpa,” she said.

“Well little girl,” daddy said, “sometimes, you see, we have to lie to keep ourselves safe. A little lie is fine. The world is not black and white. It’s grey and sometimes we have to do things that might not be completely right.”

“Yes, daddy,” she said.

“Always treat people with respect! Turn the other cheek! Don’t fight!”

That was what grandpa said.

“Yes, grandpa,” she said.

“You are like me,” daddy said, “we’re not like anyone else. You’re my little wolf.  And sometimes we have to fight. You can’t let people walk all over you.”

“I know daddy,” she said.

So when the boys in school were not nice she punched them in the face.

When the old lady couldn’t open the door she was there right away.

“Why didn’t you do the homework again?” the teacher asked and Kristin answered.

“I forgot. I’m sorry”

But she hadn’t forgotten.

Instead of telling the truth that day at school that late last night grandpa had to come and pick them up because her daddy was fighting with another man. Blood all over and screams and they had to run to Mrs. Henke to call for help. Her homework was done, lying on the floor in their room.

When there was only one spot left in the Christmas play and the other girl cried Kristin offered the spot even though she had won the vote.

She was not black and white. She was a terrible, messy grey!