5.
“Another Saturday
night and I ain't got nobody. I've got some money 'cause I just got paid
Now, how I wish I
had someone to talk to
I'm in an awful way”
Sam Cooke
Did she
sleep? She probably did, a bit at least, but at five she was up again and by
the computer. Another email was waiting for her.
Good night Kristin,
I had a wonderful time at my
favorite place tonight, but I must confess I spent some of the time thinking of
you. What have you done to me?
I meet this girl, spend a few hours
with her and now I can’t stop thinking about her.
I’m off to bed soon; tomorrow I
think I will take a walk in the morning and try to write some more. Nothing
like exercise to awaken the spirits of inspiration.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Robert
She
stared at the email with a strange mix of happiness and unease.
I have to tell him I’m married. I
really do!
Saturday
morning, she could have slept until the kids woke up. But no, here she was
reading emails from a man she hardly knew. And the way they made her feel; oh
shit, this is not good. But, oh so great! She had always been a sucker for words; they
went straight into her heart and soul.
Good morning Robert,
I actually spent quite some time yesterday
thinking about you, too. And I couldn’t sleep! I’m not entirely sure it is
purely spring restlessness.
A walk sounds lovely! I think I
will try to do some work in my garden today.
Kristin
Saturday
mornings had always been pancake mornings and normally she was relaxed and at
ease but not today. John made the pancakes too slow, the kids talked to her too
much and the mess in the kitchen afterwards made her cringe.
When John
was in the shower she turned on the computer again.
Good morning Kristin,
My sleep was also shallow last
night. I kept thinking of you Little Wolf.
This is beyond weird! What is
happening to me?
I don’t know if you ever have used
the chat, but perhaps we could give it a try one day.
She heard
the shower and how John was singing something.
“Mommy!”
Jack called.
“I will
be right there! Five minutes!” she yelled back.
My father used to call me Little Wolf!
How peculiar that you use the same words.
Sure, a chat sounds like fun. Maybe
tonight at 8?
“Mommy! I
pooped!” Jack’s voice was close to
screeching. She turned off the computer and ran downstairs. She felt how hot
her cheeks were.
The
morning dragged by. Had her life always been this slow? Nothing could distract
her enough to keep her from thinking about Robert. After lunch John suggested
they go to the playground. She jumped on the suggestion, happy to get out of
the house for a few hours. But no matter how hard she played with the kids she
kept thinking about him.
After the
playground they went out for ice cream. A nice family on a nice day doing nice
things. Kristin fidgeted through the whole afternoon. Eventually, John told her
to take a walk. But that didn’t really help either. The only thing that gave
her some peace was to dig in the garden. She dug, and pulled weeds and worked
until the sweat was pouring down her back.
When she
finally got to sit by the computer she was so nervous she hardly could contain
herself. Her brother had sent her a video of the ice breaking up on the lake.
He yelled, “Check this out sis,” and panned the whole lake. The delicate
cracking noise filled her ears. Early
this year!
She was
just about to read another email when the grey dot next to his name turned
green. Within 20 seconds a message showed up.
Robert: Hi Kristin, are you up for a chat?
He wrote
and she gasped for air. She listened carefully for John; she could hear how he
talked quietly to Anna through the wall.
Kristin: Hi Robert, how are you?
Robert: I am good! Had a productive day;
finished the chapter I was working on, cleaned up a bit and went out for a long
walk.
Kristin: Sounds like you had a nice day. The
weather was great today.
Robert: yes gorgeous out today. made me
wonder if the ice up on the lake has broken yet.
Kristin: funny you say that. my brother just
sent me a video from today showing how the ice had started to break. they are
all very excited!
Robert: Right? i remember that. did you
guys also swim on may 1?
Kristin: No! that is crazy! you did that?
Robert: lol. Yes we did. Someone came up
with the idea and we all jumped in. froze our balls off!
Kristin: I can imagine!
She heard
John say good night to Anna and how he walked downstairs. She sat frozen until
she could hear through the floor how he turned on the TV.
Robert: are your parents still up there
too?
Kristin: only my mom. my father passed a few
years ago.
Robert: sorry to hear that. my mother
passed a few years ago too. It was hard.
Kristin: sorry to hear that too. yes even
though you are a grownup it still hurts.
Robert: hell yeah! are you close to your mother?
Kristin: yes, I wish I could see her more
often. Where is your father?
Robert: he never was around much. I have
seen him only a few times.
Kristin: sorry!
Robert: it is ok. he wasn’t a good father
anyway.
Kristin: sorry! my father was a strange mix of
wonderful and horrible.
Robert: how come?
Strange,
even though so many years had passed she still felt uncomfortable talking about
her father’s weaknesses.
Kristin: well, he was an alcoholic with a
thirst for freedom and women. But at the same time he was a very loving and
tender man.
Robert: that must have been confusing when
you were small.
Kristin: yes very! Then he disappeared when
I was 11 and didn’t come back until I was in college.
Robert: disappeared?
Kristin: yes he left, no one knew where he
was. He had left before but then he always came back after a couple of months.
but he was gone for 10 years.
Robert: wow! What happened when he came
back?
Kristin: she took him back.
Robert: What???
Kristin: my mother took him back without any
hesitation.
Robert: why?
Kristin: she said she loved him. Then they
had 12 wonderful years together before he died.
Both of
them sat quiet for a while. She didn’t really know what to write and she guessed
he didn’t either.
Robert: I don’t really know what to say
except that it is amazing that your mother could forgive him and take him back.
Kristin: I was so angry with her and him.
But she kept saying that she loved him and eventually I couldn’t be angry with
him anymore.
Robert: I guess that is called true love.
Kristin: yeah! she always blamed it on the
fact that he was a Leo. That the lion in him made him restless and he couldn’t
help himself to go out and hunt.
Robert: he was a Leo?????
Kristin: yes
Robert: amazingly strange! I am a Leo too!
Kristin: uh oh
Robert: lol you have an advantage here. You
already know what kind of man I am.
Kristin: great! Now we will either drive
each other crazy or adore each other. or a combination like me and my father.
Robert: lol! I like your idea of a
passionate connection.
I have to tell him I am married. I
really do!
At 9:15
they said good bye. They had talked about his book project, their favorite
movies, their favorite food, and their favorite songs. He had shown
breathtakingly beautiful pictures from his cottage in Maine. His escape from
the City life and he had asked if she wanted to come along one day. And they
had talked about books and poets and things she hadn’t talked about in forever.
And they gingerly touched the subject on how they felt.
She
hadn’t laughed this much in; to be honest she didn’t even remember. She hadn’t
been this intrigued in; perhaps ever. She sat smiling by the computer for
another half an hour before she walked downstairs to say good night to John.
Her face was flushed and she was jittery.
She fell
asleep with a smile. He is like me. The
only one I ever met.
At 3:30 she
woke up with a sense of panic.
I have to tell him I am married. I
really do!
She
twisted and turned in the bed so much that it had awakened John.
“What is
wrong?” he mumbled.
“I can’t
sleep,” she whispered. “I think I will go and lay on the couch for a while.”
John was
already asleep again when she left with her pillow.
She sat
in the dark by the kitchen table wrapped in a blanket. Stared at the clock on
the microwave; watched the numbers change and at 4:45 she got up and turned on
the computer.
She
started to write a letter.
One chilly March day a married
woman with two children takes the train to the City. She has had a hard week
battling demons from her past; this battle always leaves her with a hollow in
her chest and a longing for something more. And she is tired of being lonely,
and homesick and bitter.
This day she decides to do
something she normally doesn’t do, to keep that hollow at bay. If she had known
what would happen that day. If she had known who she would meet, she would
probably have stayed home in her secure but tedious world.
Because she meets a man; an
extraordinary meeting, an extraordinary man. And there is an instant
connection. And he fills that hollow with something. He talks to her in way she
hasn’t experienced in a long time, perhaps ever.
She doesn’t tell him that she is
married. Why would she do such a thing, you might ask. The answer is not
simple, if it was she never would have done it. Her whole life she has
practiced being someone else; especially when things are hard or when things
hurt. She can pretend and suppress things better than anyone.
She could simply have ignored this
man, never contacted him again but he has touched her in a way she never could
imagine. She doesn’t believe in love at first sight, she doesn’t believe in
fate or destiny but this extraordinary meeting happened anyway and it is not
leaving her any peace. She decides to be truthful, even if this means she might
lose him before she even got to know him.
This is where the story ends and my
apologies start. I am so sorry I wasn’t truthful. I am so sorry that I tricked
you. I will understand if you don’t want to have anything to do with me
anymore. But I want you to know; that everything I said I feel is true and I
will always be grateful to know that you exist.”
When she
was done she found his address on the internet; surprisingly simple since he
was the only one with the name in the City. She printed out the letter, put it
in an envelope and sealed it. All the while with a horrible sinking feeling in
her chest and nauseous waves in her stomach.
He will never talk to me again. I
will lose him before I had a chance to know him.
This
thought was more agonizing than she ever could imagine. She walked in her pjs
down to the mailbox on the corner and dropped in the envelope.
Then she sat with the blanket around her
watching the sun slowly rise; filled with a raw ball of sorrow.
6.
“Begin
at the beginning," the King said, very gravely,
"and
go on till you come to the end: then stop.”
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
Within
the pink roses and blue buds on the wallpaper were images of dogs. One pink
rose looked like a bulldog, another looked like a poodle and a third looked
like a small Jack Russell. She turned on
her side and looked at Jonas and Emma sleeping in the bunk bed on the other
side of the room. Through the open
window she heard how grandpa let the dogs out in the yard and she could hear
how they ran around chasing each other. She slid out of bed and left the small
bedroom.
Grandpa
was frying bacon in the old black cast-iron skillet when she came downstairs.
“Good
morning,” he said and poured out the bacon onto the big brown plate he always
used.
“Good
morning grandpa,” Kristin said and sat down by the wooden table.
“Did
you sleep well?” He tousled her hair before he went over to the fridge and
brought out the big tray with eggs.
“Yes”
She reached across the table and grabbed the newspaper. Grandpa was the only
one she knew who subscribed to not only one, but two newspapers. One local and
the New York Times.
“Why
don’t you read some articles for me while I cook the eggs?”
Kristin
opened the local newspaper and started to read. Grandpa cracked ten eggs in a
bowl, whisked them with milk and a pinch of salt and poured them into the same
skillet he had used for the bacon.
Mrs.
Johnson had won a pie contest with her famous strawberry and cherry pie. The library was going to have a book sale. A local politician had been caught with a
teenage girl in a motel room. After this article grandpa, mumbled something she
didn’t hear.
“Go
and wake the others,” he said and put the skillet with the eggs on the table.
Kristin
ran up the stairs again and flung the door open.
“Breakfast,”
she yelled and pulled up the blinds, and then she ran down the stairs again.
Here
she was free of responsibility! She didn’t have to watch her step or worry
about what would happen next. She came to a sliding stop on the kitchen floor.
“Are
they coming?” Grandpa asked.
When
nothing happened for a few minutes he went upstairs and Kristin started to eat.
She put a heap of eggs and bacon on her plate. Nobody made better eggs than
grandpa.
After
breakfast, it was time to tend to the horses. Kristin ran first, Jonas came
second and Emma sat on Grandpa’s shoulders.
She
was first at the fence and climbed through it to the pasture. The Indian ponies
grandpa kept came walking slowly towards her. Their heads rocking as they
walked. Brown, white, black and speckled. Long wild manes and dark eyes deep as
a well. Her favorite, the smallest one, walked up to her and nuzzled her
shoulder. Kristin took a deep breath in and put her arms around the strong
neck.
“Sweet
girl,” she whispered into its ear.
Put
her hands under the mane, caressed the gleaming skin. Moved her hands down the
body until they rested on the pony’s back.
“May
I?” She asked before she climbed up.
The
horse stood absolutely still until she was sitting securely on its back.
Jonas,
Grandpa and Emma stood by the fence when they came walking.
“Be
back by lunch,” Grandpa said before he opened the gate and let them out.
She
let the pony decide where to go and at what speed. Sometimes they ran,
sometimes they walked and sometimes she laid on its back while the pony reached
for the green grass. The sun was high in the pale blue sky and baked down on
her back. She could feel the sunrays burn through her t-shirt. Golden patterns
of pure ease.
For
lunch they sat outside under the big maple tree. Ate fresh potatoes and
vegetables from grandpa’s garden with greasy sausages. After lunch it was nap time; Kristin would
never even consider napping anywhere else but here. Naps were for babies!
Grandpa
lay in the middle of the big bed and the children all around him. Emma curled
up in between his legs. Jonas lay with his face against grandpa’s side and
Kristin lay with her head on his shoulder and then he read. Tom Sawyer, Oliver Twist,
The Secret Garden, A Thousand and One Nights, Anne of Green Gables and all of
Grimm’s fairytales.
And
of course her favorite, Alice in Wonderland. She had spent many hours searching
for that rabbit hole in the woods behind the farm. And she forced the others to sit and have tea
at the table under the maple tree. She talked to grandpa’s striped cat, but it
never answered. To her that was a good enough Cheshire Cat answer. Emma fell
asleep almost instantly. Jonas lay quiet, pulling a little on grandpa’s shirt,
sometimes he fell asleep. But Kristin
was wide awake, absorbing every word that he read.
At
night she could stay up an hour later than the others. She laid on the rug in
the living room with the two dogs next to her and a book under her nose. She
was surrounded by heavy wood furniture, a wall made of oak and memories. A chiffonier with glass doors filled with her
grandmother’s old knickknacks. Two big bookcases with books from the floor to
the ceiling. And the chest her grandmother had brought into the marriage filled
with hand sewn sheets and towels. Kristin knew, even though she wasn’t supposed
to look in there, that it now was filled with tiny little knitted and crocheted
baby clothes that never had been worn.
Grandpa
sat in his old armchair, smoked his pipe and read.
“Grandpa?”
she asked without looking up from the book.
“Hmm,”
he said.
“When
do you think they will come back?”
Grandpa
took out the pipe and put it into the stone ashtray.
“You
mother will be back soon, your father I am not sure. But you know I like when
you are here?”
“I
know grandpa.”
Mommy
always came back first and always without daddy. Then they would have a few
weeks or perhaps months of calmness before daddy came home. But it was always
daddy she missed. With her whole body!
